Reason, Rationale and Relax

I failed a midterm in the past week. It stings, I've never failed a post-secondary exam. It hurts deep. It hurts my brain, it hurts my heart. It does not hurt one thing: my pride. I failed it because I went in and wrote a shit exam. A shit exam in convention that is so ridiculous and stringent it causes every person who is writing the most severe anxiety they've experienced. It has been a learning experience. It frustrated me, it made me angry, it made me reflect at how much school really means. What I am there for. I am there to get an "education", their definition of education is how well you can re-read the same sentence and produce it on an exam. I've learned in my life so much more than that.

Since I have begun school it has taught me more about myself, and society. That being, I do not like myself and I do not like the societal norms of university.With reason, I concluded I failed an exam, I know why and how, I know that it will not change. But, I'm drowning myself in anti-anxiety meds and some delusion that I can battle back.

In fact, I can. In some strange paradox, failing has shown me that, my fears have been irrational. I feared failure more than pretty much anything in the world. I failed, I failed myself.

Now that I have failed, I do not have much to fear. I can now just go in and write my exams and hope I passed.

The convention of exams are set up for people to fail, and that is unfortunate. You are in a room, door closed, a bunch of angst 20-somethings with anxiety over if they fail their parents will not love them. If they fail, their parents will not help them. If they fail, they will not get a well paying job. Or, if they fail, they will not be "successful". As I have stated before in my blogs, having a well paying job does not make you successful, having a nice car does not cause you to be any better. Success is whatever you want it to be. For once, I am believing my own advice.

I want to get into the field I want to get into, to help people. Not for the money, which many of those in health care are.

I am successful as an individual now, I help emotionally, physically, and mentally those around me. I make those laugh who need it. I am a friend to those who deserve it. I stick up for my beliefs, and stay true to my teleology. I am a third year university student in a program that will get me a job. What job, who knows?

I have always wanted to run from my fears. I faced it, at the hands of another human.

I just have to keep a level head, make sure an exam mark does not dictate my attitude. Remain clear on my goals and relax and enjoy the time I have with family and friends.