Stocking shelves like a robot, coming from the darkness of the backroom with a cart of boxes, I hear the call. I notice a sudden panic around the Pharmacy. Look up I notice a man being helped up by a pharmacist who dropped everything to make sure he is okay. I look at the elderly man, notice him panting for oxygen and sweat on his brow.
"Devon, can you help this guy out?"(Pharmacist) "Sure" (me)
"Stay with him as long as he needs, make sure he is okay." (P)
I hold his arm, one foot in front of the other we make it out of the store with his groceries. We get to the food court, he stops and says we need to sit down. We sit on the hard seats, very uncomfortably. I don't know what to say, for once I see someone without care. His eyes were full of whatever life he had left. Mouth dry, he's still panting. I put the groceries on the table and we stare at each other for awhile. It was one of the most beautiful and saddening moments in my life.
He wets his lips, mouths a couple words. Clears his throat, looks to the side and said "I was supposed to have help today, I can usually carry my own groceries. I haven't been in a couple weeks so I had a little more to pick up."
"okay, so how are you?"
"Fine, just took a tumble, it happens more often than you think."
"What do you need?" I said
"Someone to sit with me until a cab arrives, the person who usually drives me was no longer available."
"Anything else I can do?"
*Pauses* "I just, I have 2 months to live, I'm going day to day. I have a hole in my heart, my stomach weak... I'm on Oxygen to keep me afloat"... "What happened?"
"I had a minor heart attack, valve weakened and I was given 2-4 months to live, it has been 6."
"How come you don't have anybody with you?"
"My family is working, I lost the driver because the system left me."
"I don't know what to say"
We sit for 5 more minutes. "Cab should be here soon"
"You can leave if you want"
"I'm not leaving your side until you are in the hands of another individual."
We wait, I ask him more about his life. Tells me about his family, his condition.
Cab arrives and I walk back to the store. Thinking the whole time, he knows he is near death, he wasn't mad. He wasn't all that sad. At most he was apathetic. He just willed his way to live and shared his story with me.
I've learned from that guy that any condition that afflicts you, whatever the mental state, whomever is around you. Life is worth living, as time is precious. Being on Earth is a gift.
It has been a a year and 8 months since that conversation, I have no idea where he is, what came of it. I have hopes he is alive. That 5 minute conversation that felt like a lifetime for me. Changed my perspective. Everyone should work in customer service as it affects you in different ways.
I never found out his name. He never came back, I shook his hand and felt the life be rejuvenated to me.
The lesson that he has taught me is the reason why I wanted to change my attitude and deal with my depression straight on instead of running from it.
I'm grateful for the people around me and being able to share my stories and my life; regardless of who reads it or doesn't, I want to make a difference. Every story is worth telling.
Thanks,
Regards,
Devon
This is my life, contains anxiety and the constant struggle with the unknown.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Pre-final anxiety and whirlwind that is after
Finals done, YAY.
Catch my breath and recollect my thoughts. That moment that you finish that exam is pure elation. Knowing you left it out there on the table.
The road to the show was nothing enjoyable. For 2 weeks just stressing about life, the exams, and the very unfortunate outcomes that could come of it. The stress builds and mounts.
Wait... For once in my life, I went into 2 separate exams ambivalent to my emotions. It was detachment, I wish in a good way. Something at the end of November struck me over the head with a little bit of rationality.
What is the worst that happens? what if I don't pass? Why are all the people around me crying? Where did my pants go?
Well, anyways I stumbled upon the idea that I let it be for once in my life. I go in and write, and it comes out however it comes out. Overall it is an interesting feeling, uneasy even. Going 4 years with constant anxiety from a disorder to nothing for a week is insanity. After the exams I was shaken. It was a then what? should I have been in worse shape? Did I do well? I broke down and cried for the first time in awhile.
It was something that rewarded me with relief. Crying released all the anxiety from the first semester
Yeah, I cried. Big whoop wanna fight about it?
I've talked to people about how shitty finals week went. It should be a utopia. Almost done last gasp.
I have gotten back my marks recently, I passed. Didn't hit what I wanted.
But, I left everything out there. That is something to hang my hat on. It is something for all the fellow students to hang their hat on as well.
Let yourself go and trust you have some innate knowledge that can lead you to where you want to go, as corny as that sounds. It is something that I have learned in the past 4 months. It is serving me quite well.
Regards,
Devon
Catch my breath and recollect my thoughts. That moment that you finish that exam is pure elation. Knowing you left it out there on the table.
The road to the show was nothing enjoyable. For 2 weeks just stressing about life, the exams, and the very unfortunate outcomes that could come of it. The stress builds and mounts.
Wait... For once in my life, I went into 2 separate exams ambivalent to my emotions. It was detachment, I wish in a good way. Something at the end of November struck me over the head with a little bit of rationality.
What is the worst that happens? what if I don't pass? Why are all the people around me crying? Where did my pants go?
Well, anyways I stumbled upon the idea that I let it be for once in my life. I go in and write, and it comes out however it comes out. Overall it is an interesting feeling, uneasy even. Going 4 years with constant anxiety from a disorder to nothing for a week is insanity. After the exams I was shaken. It was a then what? should I have been in worse shape? Did I do well? I broke down and cried for the first time in awhile.
It was something that rewarded me with relief. Crying released all the anxiety from the first semester
Yeah, I cried. Big whoop wanna fight about it?
I've talked to people about how shitty finals week went. It should be a utopia. Almost done last gasp.
I have gotten back my marks recently, I passed. Didn't hit what I wanted.
But, I left everything out there. That is something to hang my hat on. It is something for all the fellow students to hang their hat on as well.
Let yourself go and trust you have some innate knowledge that can lead you to where you want to go, as corny as that sounds. It is something that I have learned in the past 4 months. It is serving me quite well.
Regards,
Devon
Friday, December 14, 2012
Gun Control, Mental Health and Connecticut
A town with a population of 27,000 was marred by tragedy on 14/12/12. It is indescribable as to why this can happen in a world like today when it can easily be stopped. What are 2 semi-automatic handguns willingly handed out to people who are of no clear mental sanity. No background check, no nothing, no questions. I'm not even aware of if the screening tests they say they do when they sell a gun. Because if a person can go shoot a group of kids, he can't possibly pass a simple screening test.
What level of darkness does a person have to be in to kill 18 children. Why? If he is a parent, why is he in the school with a gun? is it too much to ask to put metal detectors in. Simple things to stop so many lives lost.
Schools around them locking down, and anarchy has developed in Newtown, how does a parent let their kids go to school after that. Free babysitting service is what a elementary school is. It isn't worth it when people are walking into schools and shooting everyone.
Columbine happened because people were bullied, depressed, and didn't know a way out. Guns were easily accessible and people were killed. 10 years later we have the same thing happen, but with children. How do we go 10 years without tightening up school regulations and gun control? How many lives need to be lost? How long until we do mental health checks on people? this is too much at this point. It is a civil war amongst the "American" citizens.
Killing unarmed children angers me so much that I am beginning to ramble.
As of an hour ago the shooter was identified. What's worse? They are going to show his disgusting face all over every news outlet, to inspire all the other little vermin to do the same thing. Show the victims maybe show these people to have a little compassion. Why do they need to show the mug of the disgusting scum of Earth.
This no longer is about something from hundreds of years ago, this is now, 2012, it is the time to change. Amend it and bring in new policies. The south can manage without guns I think. As a Canadian I beg of the United States to work on gun policy and mental health checks.
Stop lives lost and wake up finally
RIP children in Newtown
What level of darkness does a person have to be in to kill 18 children. Why? If he is a parent, why is he in the school with a gun? is it too much to ask to put metal detectors in. Simple things to stop so many lives lost.
Schools around them locking down, and anarchy has developed in Newtown, how does a parent let their kids go to school after that. Free babysitting service is what a elementary school is. It isn't worth it when people are walking into schools and shooting everyone.
Columbine happened because people were bullied, depressed, and didn't know a way out. Guns were easily accessible and people were killed. 10 years later we have the same thing happen, but with children. How do we go 10 years without tightening up school regulations and gun control? How many lives need to be lost? How long until we do mental health checks on people? this is too much at this point. It is a civil war amongst the "American" citizens.
Killing unarmed children angers me so much that I am beginning to ramble.
As of an hour ago the shooter was identified. What's worse? They are going to show his disgusting face all over every news outlet, to inspire all the other little vermin to do the same thing. Show the victims maybe show these people to have a little compassion. Why do they need to show the mug of the disgusting scum of Earth.
This no longer is about something from hundreds of years ago, this is now, 2012, it is the time to change. Amend it and bring in new policies. The south can manage without guns I think. As a Canadian I beg of the United States to work on gun policy and mental health checks.
Stop lives lost and wake up finally
RIP children in Newtown
Politics, Gun Control, and Aurora
The unfortunate events of aurora and the... unfortunate events of sociial media is resulting in the heads of liberals, democrats, cavemen, and radicals.
What happened in Aurora was disgusting, from a man who understood how the human brain functions. How the human brain reacts to the trauma from such events. This is a man who failed, failed at life. Failed his family and failed his colleagues. A man who had nothing to gain and hit a bottom with nothing to lose. He understood how the mind reacts to the thought of suicide and depression. He doped himself to give himself the energy to do it. A man going for neuroscience PhD and had to withdraw for reasons unknown. However, reports and tweets point to him failing. Taking the chance of moving to a new location with new debt and new anxiety. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't talk to anyone. Even his mother didn't have much sympathy for those who were affected from his sons rash decisions.
His mom received mail and phone calls repeatedly for candid words. She decided to release a pretty vague and disinterested response.
He made his bed and is more than content to live with the consequences. Could more have been done to prevent it. Probably, could he have been stopped before he unloaded, most likely. Cops got there within 2 minutes. Which for the people in the theatre was an eternity. But, for all the shit people say about the police they managed to get in there and get control of the situation before things got way worse.
I applaud the efforts of those in uniform who helped the people in need. These kinds of things shouldn't happen.
For the thousandth time, I say enough is enough with guns being able to be 'beared' regardless of mental health check or any kind of stability check. They need more strict gun laws. The UK has quite a bit fewer gun-orientated crimes. In no way should a person be allowed to hold an automatic rifle unless in the military. It doesn't make sense logically.
But this vicious of a crime makes it harder to understand why guns should be sold on street corners. An AR-15 is an automatic rifle that is rarely used for hunting... Unless you are a terrible shot. Uzi's are sold willingly as well. But, why? What other reason would a person have for buying an automatic weapon
Tighten up the gun accessibility and do mental health checks, or get rid of guns all together.
What happened in Aurora was disgusting, from a man who understood how the human brain functions. How the human brain reacts to the trauma from such events. This is a man who failed, failed at life. Failed his family and failed his colleagues. A man who had nothing to gain and hit a bottom with nothing to lose. He understood how the mind reacts to the thought of suicide and depression. He doped himself to give himself the energy to do it. A man going for neuroscience PhD and had to withdraw for reasons unknown. However, reports and tweets point to him failing. Taking the chance of moving to a new location with new debt and new anxiety. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't talk to anyone. Even his mother didn't have much sympathy for those who were affected from his sons rash decisions.
His mom received mail and phone calls repeatedly for candid words. She decided to release a pretty vague and disinterested response.
He made his bed and is more than content to live with the consequences. Could more have been done to prevent it. Probably, could he have been stopped before he unloaded, most likely. Cops got there within 2 minutes. Which for the people in the theatre was an eternity. But, for all the shit people say about the police they managed to get in there and get control of the situation before things got way worse.
I applaud the efforts of those in uniform who helped the people in need. These kinds of things shouldn't happen.
For the thousandth time, I say enough is enough with guns being able to be 'beared' regardless of mental health check or any kind of stability check. They need more strict gun laws. The UK has quite a bit fewer gun-orientated crimes. In no way should a person be allowed to hold an automatic rifle unless in the military. It doesn't make sense logically.
But this vicious of a crime makes it harder to understand why guns should be sold on street corners. An AR-15 is an automatic rifle that is rarely used for hunting... Unless you are a terrible shot. Uzi's are sold willingly as well. But, why? What other reason would a person have for buying an automatic weapon
Tighten up the gun accessibility and do mental health checks, or get rid of guns all together.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
CBA,Off the table? on the table? who is to blame?
Nobody, nobody is to blame. None of them care anymore, it is a pissing contest. Even the players at the bottom of the ladder appear to be getting sick of it. They are the ones who play hockey for a living and not just to be a star.
Owners made it explicitly clear that bringing Don Fehr into the room before a deal was officially signed would be a terrible move. Players did it, they paid, not literally. We paid, the employees of the stadiums paid, and the fans played. Players said they wanted this, they wanted that, and they were entitled to this. Some of it they are entitled to. But, as it is rarely looked at "don't mix business with pleasure." Even throw another cliche "don't mix work and friends." The players have done both, the Owners have shown little emotion or sympathy. Which is bad on their part, they should have a little sympathy for their 'money makers/seat fillers"
However you slice it, it is a bad PR move on both sides, and a huge blunder by the league in general. Also, those blaming Bettman as satan/jew/terrible human being. He is all of those things and more, I am right there with you (I've seen his Yarmulke). In this case he is only a messenger, ordered by the owners as now he serves no real role in how to slice the HRR. Scapegoat him if you want, but he isn't the one you want to scapegoat. He was the problem in 04, because his emotions towards Goodenow overtook the discussion during the work stoppage. Once he dealt with him, everything went business as usual. In 2012/13 he has no real purpose out there.
Players want 393 million from the 211 million offer from the owners. 300 million in the make whole provision as well as a sturdy pension plan were the focal points. Although we don't know much about what the players thought about the Make Whole, as they lied through their teeth in the media address. The pension plan was a backbreaker, because 20k difference between pension in Canada and pension in the US meant a lot to people who amass well over a couple million in their career.
Don Fehr has been the No Man, Steve Fehr tried to do all he could. They should really switch roles at this point. He won't, they won't, and the owners really don't want to deal with a guy with a limited vocabulary of "no".
NHLPA also chose some interesting people to oversee the meeting. Ron Hainsey, Campoli, Crosby, Backes, and in their biggest mistake in the whole lockout. Ryan Miller. A man who saw very little opportunity to succeed in Buffalo made that city pay to keep him. Really pay to keep him.
Players who are bitching about a 5 year max contract in UFA (7 for team extension) should really pipe down. Yes, the owners shouldn't offer that if they don't want to. The thing, is they don't have to. The players hold the ball in their court when it comes to contract talks. They want stability, and as we have seen in other sports (baseball:A Rod, any of the Redskins roster 2 years ago, Beckham) those deals never pan out. They don't help the club, they hinder it. The owners want you to earn the money and earn your contract.
I have some optimism, which is below 1% of the general hockey fan population. I believe they do reach a deal, as the players are going to start calling for Fehr's head. He is trying to get the best deal, but ripping down the bonds that owners and players may have. They could've signed last night as the deal was about half-way on all front. Something tells me Fehr told them to hold out. (via @adater on Twitter).
Anger went to apathy went to excitement and is now in a no-man's land.
Greed is a terrible thing, makes people do terrible things and it should not have a home in Hockey.
Wake up NHL and NHLPA, no mother or father wants their kid playing hockey when they know the big stage is ran by kids themselves.
Here's to the World Juniors.
Sincerely,
A hockey fan.
Devon
Thanks to @tsnbobmckenzie, @darrendreger, @jsportsnet @adater @reporterchris @NikKypreos @helenenothelen @DougMaclean for all your hard work out there.
Owners made it explicitly clear that bringing Don Fehr into the room before a deal was officially signed would be a terrible move. Players did it, they paid, not literally. We paid, the employees of the stadiums paid, and the fans played. Players said they wanted this, they wanted that, and they were entitled to this. Some of it they are entitled to. But, as it is rarely looked at "don't mix business with pleasure." Even throw another cliche "don't mix work and friends." The players have done both, the Owners have shown little emotion or sympathy. Which is bad on their part, they should have a little sympathy for their 'money makers/seat fillers"
However you slice it, it is a bad PR move on both sides, and a huge blunder by the league in general. Also, those blaming Bettman as satan/jew/terrible human being. He is all of those things and more, I am right there with you (I've seen his Yarmulke). In this case he is only a messenger, ordered by the owners as now he serves no real role in how to slice the HRR. Scapegoat him if you want, but he isn't the one you want to scapegoat. He was the problem in 04, because his emotions towards Goodenow overtook the discussion during the work stoppage. Once he dealt with him, everything went business as usual. In 2012/13 he has no real purpose out there.
Players want 393 million from the 211 million offer from the owners. 300 million in the make whole provision as well as a sturdy pension plan were the focal points. Although we don't know much about what the players thought about the Make Whole, as they lied through their teeth in the media address. The pension plan was a backbreaker, because 20k difference between pension in Canada and pension in the US meant a lot to people who amass well over a couple million in their career.
Don Fehr has been the No Man, Steve Fehr tried to do all he could. They should really switch roles at this point. He won't, they won't, and the owners really don't want to deal with a guy with a limited vocabulary of "no".
NHLPA also chose some interesting people to oversee the meeting. Ron Hainsey, Campoli, Crosby, Backes, and in their biggest mistake in the whole lockout. Ryan Miller. A man who saw very little opportunity to succeed in Buffalo made that city pay to keep him. Really pay to keep him.
Players who are bitching about a 5 year max contract in UFA (7 for team extension) should really pipe down. Yes, the owners shouldn't offer that if they don't want to. The thing, is they don't have to. The players hold the ball in their court when it comes to contract talks. They want stability, and as we have seen in other sports (baseball:A Rod, any of the Redskins roster 2 years ago, Beckham) those deals never pan out. They don't help the club, they hinder it. The owners want you to earn the money and earn your contract.
I have some optimism, which is below 1% of the general hockey fan population. I believe they do reach a deal, as the players are going to start calling for Fehr's head. He is trying to get the best deal, but ripping down the bonds that owners and players may have. They could've signed last night as the deal was about half-way on all front. Something tells me Fehr told them to hold out. (via @adater on Twitter).
Anger went to apathy went to excitement and is now in a no-man's land.
Greed is a terrible thing, makes people do terrible things and it should not have a home in Hockey.
Wake up NHL and NHLPA, no mother or father wants their kid playing hockey when they know the big stage is ran by kids themselves.
Here's to the World Juniors.
Sincerely,
A hockey fan.
Devon
Thanks to @tsnbobmckenzie, @darrendreger, @jsportsnet @adater @reporterchris @NikKypreos @helenenothelen @DougMaclean for all your hard work out there.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Syncrude, and their empty promises to okay the pipeline
http://www.edmontonjournal.com/business/Pollution+pristine+Syncrude+test+plan+turn+tailing+ponds+into+clean+lakes/7641040/story.html
There is that story, good guy Syncrude trying to come in and prove oil companies care about the zoology of nature and the humans who live around the pit. I would be more incline to believe them if they weren't currently working on a giant pipeline that runs from BC to Montreal. If you read past the first 3 paragraphs you would believe almost most of what they said about it. That they want to make clean drinking water, they want to stop dumping, and want to help work on the environment
About paragraph 12 and beyond makes me very suspicious, because the guy himself brings up time. How much albertans would tolerate before they get displeased. In the Conservative province of Alberta they don't need to focus on that, unless they are trying to win over whatever is left for people on the political spectrum.
It is a very smart maneuver on their part, gain the treehuggers, the socialists, and the liberal party supporters just by announcing they signed a tentative agreement to deal with issues surrounding the oil sands.
Those people who own or operate within an oil company think in dollars and cents, not for how people are going to live around it. They are in the biggest industry in the world, the industry that keeps the world moving (literally)
Don't be sucked in by their promises to help the environment, protect aboriginal land, and overall just making Alberta a better place to live. All of it is bologna. They choose to ignore that people in this province have a shred of intelligence to see-through their "plans."
They are trying to get you to agree on any pacts they may have, if they are helping the environment. They are there to have a take and take battle, they will never finish that treatment plant. But, it will be their platform on any discussion here on out. They would be better being completely honest about it. They are crafty, almost as good as the Cigarette companies,
But, that is something I will discuss later.
Regards,
Devon
There is that story, good guy Syncrude trying to come in and prove oil companies care about the zoology of nature and the humans who live around the pit. I would be more incline to believe them if they weren't currently working on a giant pipeline that runs from BC to Montreal. If you read past the first 3 paragraphs you would believe almost most of what they said about it. That they want to make clean drinking water, they want to stop dumping, and want to help work on the environment
About paragraph 12 and beyond makes me very suspicious, because the guy himself brings up time. How much albertans would tolerate before they get displeased. In the Conservative province of Alberta they don't need to focus on that, unless they are trying to win over whatever is left for people on the political spectrum.
It is a very smart maneuver on their part, gain the treehuggers, the socialists, and the liberal party supporters just by announcing they signed a tentative agreement to deal with issues surrounding the oil sands.
Those people who own or operate within an oil company think in dollars and cents, not for how people are going to live around it. They are in the biggest industry in the world, the industry that keeps the world moving (literally)
Don't be sucked in by their promises to help the environment, protect aboriginal land, and overall just making Alberta a better place to live. All of it is bologna. They choose to ignore that people in this province have a shred of intelligence to see-through their "plans."
They are trying to get you to agree on any pacts they may have, if they are helping the environment. They are there to have a take and take battle, they will never finish that treatment plant. But, it will be their platform on any discussion here on out. They would be better being completely honest about it. They are crafty, almost as good as the Cigarette companies,
But, that is something I will discuss later.
Regards,
Devon
Borderline insomnia and it's affect on me
For 2 weeks I have been unable to sleep, it is pretty consistent with the precautions of finals. I just want to be done them and enjoy the holidays, I have a lot to get over though
I shouldn't say unable to sleep, more like I don't go to sleep until 4 or 5, I am so exhausted at that point my leg begins to twitch and cramp. I cannot fall asleep until I hit that point however. It fills me with rage that I don't fall asleep until that point, and I cannot wake up for shit because of said exhaustion. I sleep until 1 pm usually. Feel like quite the slob and just lay there angry.
I wish I could understand the concept of it, and why the circadian rhythm gets disrupted. At this point it is only increasing my cortisol levels and affecting my psychology. It is factor right there that affects my brain and how I think. I don't think clearly in this stage, I don't think with any kind of rationale. Just mind pacing and no real reason to calm down.
It seems like small peas, but I know from experience that insomnia can lead to a lot of health problems. So watch your circadian rhythm and keep tabs on it.
Short and sweet blogpost, bigger problems in the world for me to worry about or for the rest of you to care about.
I shouldn't say unable to sleep, more like I don't go to sleep until 4 or 5, I am so exhausted at that point my leg begins to twitch and cramp. I cannot fall asleep until I hit that point however. It fills me with rage that I don't fall asleep until that point, and I cannot wake up for shit because of said exhaustion. I sleep until 1 pm usually. Feel like quite the slob and just lay there angry.
I wish I could understand the concept of it, and why the circadian rhythm gets disrupted. At this point it is only increasing my cortisol levels and affecting my psychology. It is factor right there that affects my brain and how I think. I don't think clearly in this stage, I don't think with any kind of rationale. Just mind pacing and no real reason to calm down.
It seems like small peas, but I know from experience that insomnia can lead to a lot of health problems. So watch your circadian rhythm and keep tabs on it.
Short and sweet blogpost, bigger problems in the world for me to worry about or for the rest of you to care about.
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