New Territory

Maybe I thought this would be easier. Maybe I thought that what I had done in my life would make sense.

At the age of 27, when you realize you have no redeeming prospects, kinda leaves you lost. I have battled, I have jockey'd for position. I have been lazy, I have watched life slip through my hands. Talking about myself has never been easy. Despite what you may think. If I were to talk about myself all the time it would be Eeyore mixed with Squidward. I have become a lot more self-reflective. I use humour as a way to distract from the true pit of despair I feel most days. I can flip any conversation about myself with a dumb joke or self-deprecating humour. Unfortunately, most of the time I am self-deprecating, I am actually expressing my feelings.

"I do nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing" Is a general theme that runs through my head. I had multiple conversations with people of some stature. When the topic of what I do came up, how do I tell them that I play video games for 12  hours and have panic attacks and manic moments where I think I am nothing, where I have gotten so good with faking my emotions. That the crushing anxiety I have I can hide it so well. There is no social cue to discuss this. "I got laid off. I applied for jobs, I sit on a broken couch and wonder if 16 year old me would be proud" Cause 27 year old me is not proud. for the past 2 years, life has put me through more than what I would've thought imaginable. I was sure I was an adult before. I am an adult now.

I am trying not to be eaten alive. My demons did not get the memo. How do I tell them that I am controlled by my anxiety and depression. The social construct of meeting new people is "Hi, how are you. What do you do for a living". It is all I can do to not say "I am 27, Unemployed, and feel like life hates me" or "I really wish I was someone else, because I am struggling"  That's not a way to lighten up a party.

I am figuring it out, step by step. My wife will support me every step of the way. I just cannot shake the feeling that I am disappointing her, because everyone around us seems more stable (up front anyways). I feel like I disappoint most people I come across. That may not be the truth, but my mind will keep rattling me.

I hope I can come back to this in a year and be happy, or at least...less disappointed in myself.

Regards,

Devon

Self-doubt

Some days are harder than others. I am constantly at a battle with my mind and self worth. I have a strong group of friends. I have family that loves me. I have a wife who only wants the best for me. I have rekindled relationships with my father and step-father. Unaware of the psychological damage that was done over 26 years. The anxiety for nothing, mostly anxiety for thinking I should feel anxious at any given moment. The increasing levels of depression I feel now. I hope eventually I will not feel anxious.

 I am emotional, I am abrasive and I am afraid. I fall back into the same patterns and same routines with my depression. I feel inadequate most days. Slowly looking back through the years and realize at 26 I am nowhere near as established as people my age. Maybe it's the fact it has taken me 26 years to learn I was not grown up. I was always sheltered from the nuances of life. Instead festering years of depression. Slowly dominating every aspect of my life; from school, home and friends. Maybe I don't want to lose friends. I want to know people. Keep people in my life. Someone to remember me. Someone to remember. 

I had stopped writing because for the most part, I do not feel like my words are worth reading. I wish I was stronger in my respect for myself and creativity. I am not as introverted as I thought; however, with depression, you become paralyzed by the fear of having no one love you. The constant struggle with telling yourself that someone's life is better because they know you. Some days I think someone's day is better because I made them laugh. The trade off of being as aggressive as I am I think more people would rather avoid a conversation with me. 

I have lived 25 years as a person who was not built for success or at least did not feel like I was built for success. For the last year I have tried to rehabilitate my mind, my convictions, my thoughts. Most of all, over the past year. I have tried to make the people around me feel happy. Something I have never done before. I have worked on my relationships with myself; at a mental and emotional level. I may not be where I want to be. I will get there. I will feel the self worth someday. 

The depression will fade one day (hopefully). Until then, I will try to overcome it and my demons. 

Best Regards,

Devon

Nostalgia (brothers)

Living with anxiety coupled with regret freezes you. In a moment, in a minute, for a month, for a year. Living with chronic anxiety is reliving every embarrassing moment and every tearful moment. When you remember most moments in your life, it is because of the emotion you felt at the time. More likely to remember the sad moments than that of a happy moment. So, when you say "I don't remember the last time I was happy", it is mostly true.

I remember a lot of my youth. I looked up to my brothers a lot. They were my biggest role models. I wanted to learn guitar for my older brother. I do not have the patience for that shit. I wanted to learn hockey, I wanted to skate (until I skated), I went to every game. I wanted so much more from my brothers. I wanted to me the punk emo Gordie Howe. Surprisingly, that has not happened.... Yet. My brother was always good at school. Even during his "I don't give a fuck phase" he crushed school. He writes with an elegance that I will never reach. I remember reading one of his essays from high school. He wrote with so much flow and eloquence. It became part of the reason why I started writing this blog. Once again, as my brother as a role model I decided to write. I have no flow, comma splices, and zero eloquence 0/3. 

There's enough that my brothers have done that have left me bruised. They were crusher in the wrestling ring and hand hockey tournaments. They were pretty much all I had growing up. Grudges held my best friends away from me. My brothers were what I knew would be around forever...

...

I became so much more aware of how much they meant to me as I got older. For just another minute of playing Mario Party in the old basement with the insulation hanging out. Just another powerbomb or suplex on thin mattress on top of a concrete floor. Just another minute of a 5-5 next goal wins hand hockey tournament. Just another minute of being brothers and talking to each other. Going to flea markets to find the latest DVD that they are underselling. Watch one last period of a hockey game that my brother is playing in. One last game of "don't play catch in the house". Just one last minute of nostalgia to make the moment stay. 

You are not given a set amount of time with your family and you are not able to see when everything turns. 

Savor each moment with your family, from the sad ones to the happy ones. Being brothers was never easy. But, they helped shape the person I am. For better or worse. 

Best Regards.

Devon

Disintegrating

I do not make friends easily, it is part of my flaws. Being afraid of having friends to disappoint. Overthink if I said the wrong joke (most of the times I did). Beginning to see after 25 years of anger, frustration and general sadness. Friends lift you up. Friends become ingrained in your culture. No matter the walks of life, race or sex. Being a friend is the best thing you can do today, tomorrow and everyday,

I also have become aware of how terrifying this blog gets. In my mind, in my life and the dichotomy of anxiety and depression. I do not hold much against the people I trust. I found it easier to end friendships before communicating. I wish I was a better friend. I wish I was a better person.

I am not an example of what I thought I would be. I am not successful, I am not well liked. I do enough to get by. I'm not sure when I stopped fighting. Everyday of my life was a fight. Eventually you get tired of fighting... Finding that switch is hard. Wanting to turn it back on is harder.

Regards,

Devon

Someday

Someday

It was the day I was to be gone. It was the day I would never talk to you again. It was the day where I realize what I needed. Trying to find a rhythm. A purpose. It was a day where I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

Someday.

It is the day I thought I would never be alive. It was the day where I never wanted to die. It is the day of days, where you do nothing and everything all at once. It was the day where my life changed for the better.

Someday.

I write to stay alive. I will live. I will make you proud. I will find a new role model. I will be a better person. I will be a stronger person. I will find out where I have gone wrong. What I have done right. I will figure this all out.

Someday.