Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Man of the house of cards.

Recently, I've been in a dark place. Many of you know, many of you don't.

I'm the "man of the house"... Whatever that means, what it means to me is. People abandon people, and someone has to be there to be the strong one for them. I am that person. I'm trying, I lose my grip occasionally, but for now. I am a grown up.

I'm a student, I feel like I should be working. Being a student thinly veils the reality of what is coming to me. That is being responsible, being a rock for the people around me.

My grandpa passed away in April and I guess that is when my life changed, I had not realized it until about a week ago. My grandpa was a man, he was a man of character and grit.

He worked everyday of his life. When his death hit, I never grieved. I never found out how. I lost another person out of my life, my stepfather. I was left stunned and unaware of the world. Unaware of what it meant for me. I've been depressed since April, I can count 0 days where I was not depressed.

People joke I'm the man of the house, there is the stark reality that I am in fact, the man of the house. I don't know how to handle the responsibility, I have to pick up my socks somewhere here and march through it.

About a week ago, I sincerely debated how much this pressure would truly hit me with. If it was worth living through it. I got hit in the face with the realization that, I would just be another person. Abandoning my family, being taken from the world.

You control your own fate most of the time, and for the past 6 months I wanted to do anything but decide my own fate. I'm still depressed. I still don't know who to love, when, why and how. I don't know where I will be. I don't know who will be there or who I want to be there.

The man of the house of cards.


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