I thought as I got older I would learn to appreciate the idea of the unknown. Whether at a conversational level or at an ethereal level. I've become infatuated with this notion that it gets easier to deal with the longer I fight through life. I am finding I am more apathetic to what the unknown is. But, never understanding why people enjoy the "unknown". Every moment of speech in my life is usually followed by 4 or 5 thought chains of what the consequence of that conversation might be. I am truly shackled to my brain and he can be an asshole. I am conscious of nothing in life can truly be planned for you. Everyday is a sequence of events, where you are, who you are with and what you are doing.
I can appreciate a sunset
I can appreciate a heartfelt conversation
I can appreciate my own reflection
I can appreciate an awkward silence
... most days.
I am frustrated that the questions I have posed to the older people who have lived life with anxiety and depression never yields the answer I want. It kinda seems like you life with your anxiety and depression but it never goes away. You just fill life with vices, conversation, laughter so you don't have to deal with your own crippling depression. I understand there will never be a cure all, and now that science is catching up with mental health; I hope that gets better.
On the other side of the coin, unknown is what leads to the most important things in your life. People you meet, people you laugh with, people who care. It can lead to those moments where you stop in your tracks and think, "maybe everything does happen for a reason". Though, in your head you know that that's really a placebic reaction that makes the bad consequences easier to deal with. It beats thinking that some deity just really has it in for you
If not for the people close to me I'm not sure I could fight through everyday. Getting scared of how each interaction is becoming a little commonplace. Which, is fine as an introvert. But... There is a fine line. I'm getting better at recognizing when I am slipping. I think that is what the people who have talked to me about anxiety and depression is easier to deal with; is that the notion that you get better at recognizing when the fear of the unknown puts you into a hole with your demons. It's better to not jump in the hole than to jump in to give your demons the satisfaction.
Adulthood with depression is so much harder than I thought it would be. As a kid, depression is really just an overwhelming sadness when you do not know why you are sad. Depression in adulthood is replaying those sad memories and try to find some attachment and rationalize them, for better or worse. Every memory of yelling, and pain, and frustration, and tears have a place. It is to make you appreciate the feeling of a positive memory. For me, positive memories are behind a wall of bad memories. Aging is just chipping away at the wall so you can see the light of the good memories.
I can appreciate my depression
I can appreciate why not everyday is going to be great
I can appreciate my own insecurities
I can appreciate why death exists
... Most Days.
Regards,
Devon
