Anxiety is never patient.

I've not written in sometime. This post is a little musings about anxiety. As I know it, as I've come to learn about it and deal with it.

School brings with it new hope, new fear and new dread. I live a life of constant fear of doing something wrong. This year, I really haven't given a shit. which has spun my anxiety in a different direction. Almost kind of exciting. Making mistakes are necessary in life. They are not something you can teach, but what you get out of making mistakes is more valuable than you would know. I live a more conscious life on social media, I pick up on triggers and talk to people. Compliment people, if at least I am empty inside they might feel a little bit better.

That's all I can really ask for, if people around me are happy I become a hell of a lot more content with surroundings. Not to say I'm not selfish at times. Sometimes it is about the give and take in life. If everyone buttered each other up, we could all have a little more happiness. Which is fair, and not unreasonable in today's age. But, you know what is easier? spreading hate, blocking, and shaming people. Something about social media is so polarizing in today's youth. And to be honest, it is a good thing more than it is a bad thing. If not for social media, I wouldn't know people I would genuinely care about me or want to talk to me. I wouldn't be able to express my humorous musings online or write about anxiety and get it out to a mass audience.

I've slowly changed my attitude. With life, you must surround yourself with positive people. Even strangers, as ironic as that sounds.

Over the past week I've learned that anxiety and mental illness is not patient. It does not really care what you have on your plate, or how you plan to deal with it. Therein lies the beauty of it all, as if you cannot move forward through it; You have never really experienced life. If you don't get the knowledge from it, then you can never learn. Everything happens for a reason? maybe? Everything happens is more suited. You must find beauty in true tragedy and pain, or else you will be consumed by your own mind/

Put some spin on your bullshit to make it more believable. I don't believe in much, but, I believe putting a different spin on your issues will make life a little more liveable.

Regards,

Devon.

The Ebb and Flow of the day after birth.

After Birth is a terrible choice of words to start this, oh well. Huzzah.

Let me preface this with: today I hit the same spot I did 3 years ago. Where I wanted to make the cowardly choice.

I didn't dwell on it. With the help of many key family members and new friends I battled back. I didn't want to fall into the funk, again. I know how hard it is to bring yourself out of it... Or for that matter, if you can get out of it. I was a shell today. 22 and a day old shell. I had my body moving, but my brain was pacing like a tweaker. Which is the beauty of life. Your body and mind are rarely synced. For that matter, I don't think they should be. If they are, you are most likely lying to yourself. But, I digress. What I had lacked the first time I hit the funk was Spirit. As the 3rd prong of the trident I didn't know what to do with it. The first time around I just had a fucked up fork.

Spirit, where you get it does not really matter to me. It is important to have it. Spirit can be brought about religiously, can be brought about emotionally. Something just needs to ignite inside. Today, something finally did. After 4 weeks of moping I was tired of being a little bitch. There are people who are fighting for their lives, and all I wanted to do was cease mine. How fair is that?

I scared a lot of people today, including one person who should mean much more than what he does to me. That person was me. I repeatedly said I am scared of myself, as if it were a cynical chant before going to fight a 12 rounder with Prime Time Tyson.

You are your harshest critic, but only when you want to be, I found every fucking reason to be a mope. My brother told me "You have no coping mechanism anymore." Which, struck me upside the head like a 12 round fight with Manny Pacquaio - How many more boxing references does he have left? I had stopped writing my blog over the summer, and in fact; I ignored every inkling to write a short piece of mind.  I ran away from my only source of channeling my anxiety and fear.

I took it upon my shoulders since my grandpa died to try to worry and take care of everyone's problems. I spent more money than I should've. I sacrificed more of my body and health than I should have. I did this all on my own, nobody asked me. In a way, I went into the darkness by myself. I didn't care.

I found a reason to get back to the funk, that I had successfully avoided for 3-4 years.

Why? Because, I never grieve, I never care to grieve. I'm really not that big of an asshole. I play one on social media. I truly care about people I have never fucking met. (bananas, right?) I have had more people call me an asshole in the past year than ever before. It fuels me to want to be a better person. I try to pay it forward, talk to people I normally would ignore.

__________________________________________________________________________-_____

So, this morning I woke up in uncomfortable pain and had a realization I have no motivation to get out of bed. My body did, my mind decided to take a rain cheque. My mind was still back in bed moping. Somewhere around 2 pm I started spiraling and unable to battle back. My brother had called me, knew I was down and challenged me in many ways. I cannot put into words how much that fueled me. I had old friends and new friends decide to just talk to me today.

You are never out of it in life, you are never able to truly run away.
 You should be able to battle back, you should find a way to stay.
Today, I went back and forth from down and up I suppose.
These are the problems that life can juxtapose.

I totally used juxtapose wrong. I'm a juxtaposer.

Regards,

Thanks to anyone who read this and continues to read my blog, you are awesome

Devon 

Gonna try this Birthday Rap style

Maybe if you tried something other than bitter,
You'd get to know the runt of the litter.
You'd know I'm not a quitter.
I've never needed a sitter, I've never needed help
Finding my birthday supper on Yelp.
All I'm trying to say is, don't throw me aside like kelp.
I'm a human, I run on emotion
Sometimes that emotion flows like the ocean,
I'm not coasting,
I know what I want
I know how I can
It is easy to hate the man
Who lays it out,
Like a bad case of Gout.
I'm trying to be artsy,
I don't need a reason to be
I'm trying to be on my game 24/7
I can't be anyone other than Devon
You block, you spew, you try,
Your weak shit don't fly
I give you a reason to hate an asshole
So, you won't ever know the real me

I am humble, I know my limits
I am nothing compared to you dimwits.
It takes a certain level of empathy to understand me
You never took the time to care about letting it be.
I don't cause shit unless you attack character
My values, my beliefs or my vocabulary
Sentences, lines, and flow. I'm smooth like Larry
Bird on the court, in the sky. With flight so light.
Where to go with these.
This has taken me 3 minutes to write,
This is horrible, I know.
But, if you don't try anything, You'll never know
The limit of your potent-iow.
I stretched for that last line, like a pair of large undies on a clothesline
Like an old cord on a landline.
Line rhymed 3 times like I don't give a shit,
I don't care what people think of my looks,
I'm the King on this board, you're the rook
not everyone looks like a character in a book.
So try to bring me down with your bull.
I'll leave you sitting in a lull.
I got so much lines sitting in my cull
In my queue, I'm gonna be 22.
I am tired of people not caring about people
We are all in it, we are all equal.
Fuck everything and just be you,

Good night I wish you all a better year,
For tomorrow and yesterday are too near
To constantly live in fear.
I wrote this in hopes you laughed like I did.
I couldn't write it without being candid.
I have no hard feelings for those who did
Wrong, you hate me, I can forgive.
As my compass has no leaks unlike a sieve

Happy fucking birthday to me.

Regards,
The worst rapper ever.
Devon.

Delusion, and its effects on anxiety.

"Devon, you need a little delusion in your life, you need to believe all the bad shit is happening so something good will happen later."

This was said to me very recently by a close friend. To be honest, she is absolutely right. I view the world with so much cynicism and pessimism that everything that happens is bad and bad shit always happens to me. With no pay off. I continue to struggle everyday believing that good things will happen as long as I endure the bad. In the past it has proven right.

I continue to wonder if life is a constant test of how many shitty things you can endure before it gives you a little nugget.

It is important for those who suffer from mental illness to have some ground to plant on. Over the past 2 weeks I have had none. I contemplated who would miss me if I am gone, and that crushed me. I haven't ever thought about that in years. Life is becoming harder to battle through, absolutely everyday is a struggle. For me, for you, for those who are less fortunate. There is a lot of issues in today's world.

Delusion is an interesting word. An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality,... - This is the definition of delusion.

Which has so much information in it, it is harder to define. Delusion is telling yourself things that are generally believed to be good. Like "Dr. Phil is a good doctor" is a great delusion. "The Vancouver Canucks are a great hockey team"

These are delusions, OR are they? what is generally accepted as reality? People in Vancouver believe the Canucks have been one of the better teams the last 5 years. Dr. Phill pulls in hundreds of thousands or millions of viewers in any given week. Are they really that bad?

What is generally accepted as reality in my generation is: God has no bearing on life, agnostic is the way to go, bad shit happens, move on.

Here is the great thing about that, bad shit happens. Life is a mess and is often Chaotic. You must find the middle ground. That life is shitty wall to wall, but there is some beauty in chaos. Some hope to be found.

Anxiety and Depression is often a 2-way street. Ride the highs as far as they can go, and battle the lows. Because the highs will come, it is how you bounce back from all the terrible things in your life that will allow you to truly enjoy the great aspects of life. The beauty of clouds, the jokes, the laughter, enjoy those whilst you can. The Company, conversation, even a head nod. cherish the idea that people acknowledge and love you. In a way, they could know what you are going through. They could possibly have experience to what you are going through. Know that you are not alone in anything.

I've spent 2 days now convincing myself of this. That everything happens for a reason. An optimistic view for someone who has viewed life as "Shit wall to wall" (Louis CK) It is a dumb way to view everything around you. When you are at your lowest, you will find anything to cling to, anything to stand on.

Remember: the word delusion has a bad connotation in most cases.
Delusion can also be good, delusion can be very necessary in day to day life if you suffer from poor mental health.

Best Regards,

Devon