Thursday, 31 May 2018

Self-doubt

Some days are harder than others. I am constantly at a battle with my mind and self worth. I have a strong group of friends. I have family that loves me. I have a wife who only wants the best for me. I have rekindled relationships with my father and step-father. Unaware of the psychological damage that was done over 26 years. The anxiety for nothing, mostly anxiety for thinking I should feel anxious at any given moment. The increasing levels of depression I feel now. I hope eventually I will not feel anxious.

 I am emotional, I am abrasive and I am afraid. I fall back into the same patterns and same routines with my depression. I feel inadequate most days. Slowly looking back through the years and realize at 26 I am nowhere near as established as people my age. Maybe it's the fact it has taken me 26 years to learn I was not grown up. I was always sheltered from the nuances of life. Instead festering years of depression. Slowly dominating every aspect of my life; from school, home and friends. Maybe I don't want to lose friends. I want to know people. Keep people in my life. Someone to remember me. Someone to remember. 

I had stopped writing because for the most part, I do not feel like my words are worth reading. I wish I was stronger in my respect for myself and creativity. I am not as introverted as I thought; however, with depression, you become paralyzed by the fear of having no one love you. The constant struggle with telling yourself that someone's life is better because they know you. Some days I think someone's day is better because I made them laugh. The trade off of being as aggressive as I am I think more people would rather avoid a conversation with me. 

I have lived 25 years as a person who was not built for success or at least did not feel like I was built for success. For the last year I have tried to rehabilitate my mind, my convictions, my thoughts. Most of all, over the past year. I have tried to make the people around me feel happy. Something I have never done before. I have worked on my relationships with myself; at a mental and emotional level. I may not be where I want to be. I will get there. I will feel the self worth someday. 

The depression will fade one day (hopefully). Until then, I will try to overcome it and my demons. 

Best Regards,

Devon

Friday, 2 March 2018

Nostalgia (brothers)

Living with anxiety coupled with regret freezes you. In a moment, in a minute, for a month, for a year. Living with chronic anxiety is reliving every embarrassing moment and every tearful moment. When you remember most moments in your life, it is because of the emotion you felt at the time. More likely to remember the sad moments than that of a happy moment. So, when you say "I don't remember the last time I was happy", it is mostly true.

I remember a lot of my youth. I looked up to my brothers a lot. They were my biggest role models. I wanted to learn guitar for my older brother. I do not have the patience for that shit. I wanted to learn hockey, I wanted to skate (until I skated), I went to every game. I wanted so much more from my brothers. I wanted to me the punk emo Gordie Howe. Surprisingly, that has not happened.... Yet. My brother was always good at school. Even during his "I don't give a fuck phase" he crushed school. He writes with an elegance that I will never reach. I remember reading one of his essays from high school. He wrote with so much flow and eloquence. It became part of the reason why I started writing this blog. Once again, as my brother as a role model I decided to write. I have no flow, comma splices, and zero eloquence 0/3. 

There's enough that my brothers have done that have left me bruised. They were crusher in the wrestling ring and hand hockey tournaments. They were pretty much all I had growing up. Grudges held my best friends away from me. My brothers were what I knew would be around forever...

...

I became so much more aware of how much they meant to me as I got older. For just another minute of playing Mario Party in the old basement with the insulation hanging out. Just another powerbomb or suplex on thin mattress on top of a concrete floor. Just another minute of a 5-5 next goal wins hand hockey tournament. Just another minute of being brothers and talking to each other. Going to flea markets to find the latest DVD that they are underselling. Watch one last period of a hockey game that my brother is playing in. One last game of "don't play catch in the house". Just one last minute of nostalgia to make the moment stay. 

You are not given a set amount of time with your family and you are not able to see when everything turns. 

Savor each moment with your family, from the sad ones to the happy ones. Being brothers was never easy. But, they helped shape the person I am. For better or worse. 

Best Regards.

Devon

Monday, 26 February 2018

Disintegrating

I do not make friends easily, it is part of my flaws. Being afraid of having friends to disappoint. Overthink if I said the wrong joke (most of the times I did). Beginning to see after 25 years of anger, frustration and general sadness. Friends lift you up. Friends become ingrained in your culture. No matter the walks of life, race or sex. Being a friend is the best thing you can do today, tomorrow and everyday,

I also have become aware of how terrifying this blog gets. In my mind, in my life and the dichotomy of anxiety and depression. I do not hold much against the people I trust. I found it easier to end friendships before communicating. I wish I was a better friend. I wish I was a better person.

I am not an example of what I thought I would be. I am not successful, I am not well liked. I do enough to get by. I'm not sure when I stopped fighting. Everyday of my life was a fight. Eventually you get tired of fighting... Finding that switch is hard. Wanting to turn it back on is harder.

Regards,

Devon

Friday, 26 January 2018

Someday

Someday

It was the day I was to be gone. It was the day I would never talk to you again. It was the day where I realize what I needed. Trying to find a rhythm. A purpose. It was a day where I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

Someday.

It is the day I thought I would never be alive. It was the day where I never wanted to die. It is the day of days, where you do nothing and everything all at once. It was the day where my life changed for the better.

Someday.

I write to stay alive. I will live. I will make you proud. I will find a new role model. I will be a better person. I will be a stronger person. I will find out where I have gone wrong. What I have done right. I will figure this all out.

Someday.

Sunday, 17 December 2017

Wherever

Wherever you are. I hope you are happy. If not, content.

I hope that where I found you was a omen to where you will end up.

Wherever the water went, I hope it gave new life to love. I wish that life had made you happy.

I hope that one day, you find peace. In some form or another.

If there is an afterlife, I hope it found you well.

There is blooms and memories. I have no idea what brought me to that spot.

You have effected me more than I know why. For better or for worse. Fragile and delicate.

Whoever you are I hope you lived a normal life.

Wherever you are, I hope there is no more depression.

Wherever.

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Drive

There is not a lot in my life I am proud of. I am proud of the people around me. I am proud of my wife, my friends and whatever is left of my family. I make $160 dollars a week in a field that is on life support. I do not have a driver's license, I haven't had a full time job for 3 years and my depression absolutely cripples me. I have not felt this down in a few years. I want so much more out of life. But, sometimes it is too much. It is too encapsulating. I have never thought of myself as lazy, unmotivated or slothful.

But, at a certain point, breaks make themselves and if you are not paying attention they go away. I'm not there, mentally. I've never been sure of my abilities. I've never been capable of seeing where life could take me. It is where I am now. Focusing on that is what truly kicks everything into overdrive. I am not a handyman or whatever bullshit a man should be at birth. I cannot cook, I cannot be anything remotely artistic. I am good at video games. What a sentence. I am good at time wasting.

One day I will figure out life. But, killing time for the last 8 years and not setting myself up for success is what truly bugs me. I do not know if that is a product of me or what I thought my life was going to be. It is reality at this point. I'm under-qualified for "adult jobs". I am overqualified for grunt jobs. Only thing I am qualified at is annoying my wife.

Be what you want to be out of life. Cause the moment you lose the desire to want, you lose the desire to be better.

Best Regards,

Devon

Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Alone

As I sit with my headphones on, having a panic attack all alone; I wonder if my anxiety will ever be truly wrangled. As I take my last SSRI to feel some semblance of happiness, I am alone. I wish I could tell me wife, that I am scared when we sleeps. Because I do not like myself when I am up alone. It's not that I do not trust myself, it is that my health is so hit or miss, I do not know when my number will be called. 

The thing that eats me alive, is I will undoubtedly die before my wife, and the one thing I would hate to do to anyone, is leave them alone. 

Maybe I'm selfish for thinking I'm that important. She'll be more successful, intelligent, and beautiful that anything I'll ever deserve. as I try to see through the tears, I feel as if I am in a fish bowl. Forever swimming... Alone.

Part of my last blog post informed people I used to use trolling as a tool to be isolated from anyone I had a friendship with. It is what I did to feel alone, feeling sorry for myself. 

Now, I wish I could tell those people it was not their fault. I felt alone, and felt like I should be alone.

It is hard to make me feel alive. I am afraid to go to my doctor, I'm afraid to tell people my feelings and what I need. I beat myself up about the littlest things. I tell my brain that maybe being alone is not the worse thing. I am alone, working on me. I'm not the only one who feels this way. You are not the only one who feels this way. I feel whole until 12 o clock. As the world sleeps, I will feel. Alone.

Regards,

Devon