The past 5 years have been a rather interesting journey.
Through the first 15 years of my life I would say I grew up faster than anyone else my age. I noticed things, I had to grow up quickly because of the constant medical procedures and appointments. From 15-23 I would say there was very little growth as a human being. I never made a complete realization of what transitioning into adulthood looked like. Constantly shielded by my mother to how an adult should act and behave. It created a toxic feeling of needing my mother instead of allowing me to grow.
over the past 5 years I would say I have learned a lot and tried to grow into the man that is honest, hardworking, selfless and empathetic. I have learned what makes my depression does to me. I have learned that I am not defined by my anxiety and depression and it is okay to tell people that I ain't feeling it sometimes. I have learned to process my emotions and thoughts on a deeper scale. Learned what makes my psychology kick. I fell in love with myself, for the first time in my life. I learned to love the body I am. Learned that maybe I didn't need as many surgeries as I had after the age of 15. I learned to take care of myself because the constant apathetic attitude of "oh well, I will die eventually" isn't the way to live life. I learned the dichotomy of good vs evil in the world is truly beautiful. I have learned to not ingest every little bit of news as it is not healthy for me.
I have discovered that my wife is truly my rock. She shows me the world. She drags me out to see the world because there is beauty in every corner.
Heading into 29 next week is kind of terrifying and sobering. I am on the cusp of 30 and what I would consider the next part of life. I'm not sure what my health looks like over the next decade.
I hope I continue to grow to love myself. I hope I can tell me wife everyday that I love her. I hope that my friends realize that I am not a dick for not texting to check up. I am constantly working on me, constantly working on my introversion and constantly working to be empathetic and selfless. I am not good at small talk, I'm not good at carrying a conversation. I am not perfect, but I am working towards what I think is perfect for me. I do not want to lose friends. I do not want to lose the people who help shape my identity everyday. I am sorry I am not a great friend in the times of a pandemic, I do not know how to navigate my anxiety when it comes to these. Growing up a person who had my anxiety played with to be afraid of somethings makes me a little paranoid of things. Of saying the wrong things, of upsetting people with trivial things. I may not have the life experience of most people my age but I am humble. Know that I over-analyze every interaction I have. I over-analyze what my hands are. I still think of the shitty things I said to my family, my friends, and most heartbreaking; I remember all the shit I put my wife through. Being an angry, suicidal, opiate addicted young adult ruined some relationships I would've rather kept. Being constantly told I don't need anyone but my mother put me in a arrogant, self-serving mindset. I remember every thing I broke, everything I said. I remember every spiteful action I made just to get a piece of someone weighs on me. I taunt myself with these thoughts.
I wish I knew now what those actions were going to do. That at the age of 28 and 356 days (or however it works out). I would be terrified of asking a question because I am haunted by past memories of my asshole self. That it would cause me to be introspective to the point that I am scared to be confident.
I am growing everyday. I am truly devastated by myself. I am hoping I keep true to myself and not just use this post as a way to clear my guilty conscience. I want to be a guide, a leader and most importantly, a friend.
I love y'all
Regards,
Devon Hunt
