I turn 30 in less than a week. I have some time to reflect, and over the past month I have some thoughts to get out on paper.
I may not remember much of my time on opiates. I know that listening to someone who does not have your back is a gigantic time waste and black hole of resources. I could be so much further along than where I am at the age of 30. I could be in my own place with my wife. I would not have wasted 15 thousand over 4 years in my early 20's for someone who did not deserve it. I would not have sacrificed so many relationships over those years either. I was raised by my uncle; unfortunately, I still have so many traits of my mother. I have slowly worked on working them out. Slowly worked on the "woe is me" attitude. Slowly worked on "the art of manipulation" attitude. I have really worked hard on the boundaries that people have. Early in life I watched a lot of prodding and intruding in people's lives and relationships.
As I aged I had begun to do the same things. Friends, family, and coworkers were just part of the gambit of information and trolling. I did not understand the real world consequence of being a Nosey Norman for years. I destroyed my relationships with more people than I would even realize. From my best friend growing up, Jaden and his family. To my relationships with my in-laws. My relationships with bosses and colleagues. I never understood boundaries or where my feet are. Because I watched my mother growing up continuously absolutely slash and burn every major relationship. With the only flame left would be the hate and grudges held. Maybe that's not just emblematic of my mother, but maybe a lot of my family.
I am slowly working on my life. I think I am making good adjustments, but self-doubt will creep in all the time. I am more quiet, I am more likely not to talk unless spoken to.
Among the things of the last decade I might change is the guest list for the wedding. My own mother showed up late, held up the ceremony for a half hour. Because the world revolved around her time. (Maybe that's why I'm so paranoid about being late) My cousins of whom I asked if they would celebrate this day with me... Did not show up. I was not allowed to invite my Dad because it became a day of infighting with my mother if I did that. I didn't get to invite people like my Auntie Barbie, Patty or June because it was not worth fighting with my mother over. I invited people I thought were my brothers only to have them fight with me the night before. I would change a lot about our wedding day. except for the moment I got to look in my wife's eyes and she made me want to be a better person.
There were a lot of incredible guests at my wedding as well
People like my late cousin Jeanine had all the reasons not to attend my wedding with the death of her best friend, and she showed up. She was ever present and was genuinely happy for me. Jeanine's mother, my Auntie Edie, of whom was an absolute rock star at our wedding. She was so busy I have barely any photos of her at the wedding except for her working in the background.
My friend Matt who flew out from St Louis after knowing me for 4 months and got hammered on sangria. My uncle Lonnie who could not be happier to watch me have that moment (of whom I got to watch have his moment a few years later). He was the only uncle who showed up, not even my Godfather showed up. None of my aunts. It helped me learn the effect of the people I put my time in effort to and the effect they had on my personal relationships with my family.
I know I have a lot of people in my corner. I know I have done a lot of damage to those I admire and hold close to my heart. Maybe it's the self doubt. But, I have earned forgiveness, and I have worked on who I want to be. That is just generally a good person who wants the best for those around me. I have a lot more love in my heart. It took 3 decades to learn that love is more useful than hate and that hate in your life will forever destroy your well-being.
for a lasting thought, in regards to the self-doubt. I wish I felt the self-worth I should. If I could feel the way about myself that people who love me feel about me.
Regards,
Devon
