Thursday, July 14, 2016

Assessing everything to do with the politics that is "all lives matter"

Fascinating at a glance. Piercing. The fact that all lives matter is said in today's age is baffling.

So, let's hit rewind

A few years back some white people dressed in blue clothing decided they did not like the way people who had different coloured skin were acting in front of them. So, they decided to shoot them. Social media and major cities had created the movement black lives matter to empower black youth as a way to say do not become a statistic. Which is flooring and exactly what they should do. They should hold peaceful protests. They should hold public inquiries. They should ask for videos of incidents be put on the public record. They should make these cops who have failed as human beings be put on blast.You only get one chance on this Earth. You should really make it count. Shooting first should never be the answer.

Fast forward to a week ago. Well, some white people in blue clothing did not like the way some people with different coloured skin were acting. So they shot them, execution style, in broad daylight and this time with ample video coverage to go with it. I have questioned from the beginning if it was two black youth holding down a white man and shooting him execution style, what would this debate be like. The south would be frying him on the six o' clock news. Yet, because it was two white police officers holding down a black male who was not resisting or posing a threat or reaching for a gun. They held him down and shot him four fucking times. In cold blood.

So, now to all lives matter and your right wing agenda. Yes, all lives matter, at first glance, to you. But, to the rest of us. Only white lives matter for you. Aboriginal lives do not matter. Black lives do not matter. Latino Lives do not matter. Muslim Lives do not matter. Asian Lives do not matter. So on and so forth. Unfortunately, when you say all lives matter, it means nothing. It actually angers the majority of people that reads it. It does not matter to you. You say it so you can stay in your cocoon where nothing happens. Your cocoon of the white picket fence, your pinterest recipes, your 3 dogs and your kids that aren't potty trained til 5 or breast fed until 32.

These same people who say all lives matter always say the same thing. "I hope a cop is not feeling too down or lazy or however you describe on that day you will need them". Look. In the 21 years of my life. I have bought 5 meals for cops and roughly 10 cups of coffees for them. I say hi, thanks. Hold open doors. I want to believe that there is some good left in people. That underneath that blue. There is a person who sees that I am human, they are human. There has to be one. I'm a cynical asshole everywhere in life. But, I guess I'm stubborn when it comes to that.

So, conservative right wing republican asshats. Please stop saying all lives matter.

Best Regards,

Devon


Monday, March 7, 2016

Love

You are everything I am. Everything I want to be.

Unfortunately, I am afraid to reach my own potential. Too afraid to be comfortable. I remember the first time we kissed. The butterflies, the endorphin release and the love that I felt down to my core. Through will, patience and determination I had won your heart. A prize that is priceless to be. To be the keeper of your heart and love is more than I can handle most days. Some days it is the only thing that reaches out to me to grab onto.

I'm alive today because of your heart. You have the biggest heart I've seen. A person who has a storied past and an understanding of what brought you to where you are today. I do not write many love letters anymore. That's my fault. I apologize. There is not enough words in the English language. Jeg Elskar Deg. The first words you spoke to me that truly hit me. It was you sharing a piece of your culture with me. When I'm afraid to show my culture to the world. I truly felt comfortable in that moment. I still get lost in that moment. You've supported me through questionable things, honest things and my decisions (though I may not think them through). Without that, I would not have motivation. I would not know what I am capable of.

I'm afraid of failure. My biggest fear is failing you. I'm probably never going to be who you want. I can accept that. I am trying to be better. To be a better husband, friend and confidant. I'm ingrained not to. I'm an introvert because of my past. I'm an introvert because of the people I once called friends. I want to be that guy you want.

Know I have, will and will continue to follow you and your heart. I will never let go.

Promise.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

A Retelling... and the years following.

Today is January 27, 2016. Bell Let's Talk.

It is a bittersweet day. It is a day that means more to me than (on most days) life itself.

Today I am here, I probably should not be. Most days I feel I should not be.

February 2012 was an awful time. The worst month I would experience for another 13 months until it was eclipsed by the death of my grandfather.

I woke up. Angry at those around me. Those in my life. The most lost I have ever been in my life. I hope.

I woke up. I didn't feel like it.

I woke up. One way or another.

I wanted a way out. It became the only thought. My only motivation that day.

I had ideas of how I wanted out. What I would leave behind. What my last acts would be.

Slowly playing out how I would end my life. Decisively. Who I would tell. At the time, was with my first and only girlfriend to date. I did not care. I felt she would heal in some way.

I woke up that day thinking it was the last day for the rest of my life. 21 years young and in pain. approaching my job with the apathy of a cat. I was going to commit the most selfish and most selfless act you could commit. The ultimate of my life.

I had planned out a couple of ways I was going out. I did not want to talk. I was scared that my family would think it was their fault. I could not talk to them. I didn't know how to start. I had been given everything (within reason) that I could ever want. I was told I was worth it, complimented, told I was smart.

I reached an apex. I was either going to end it that night or I could fight for my life.

Which brings you hear. That night I had decided to write a blog instead of ending it. It's been 4 years. I am still depressed, hopeless, anxious and often alone. I am married, loved, on some days happy and generally content.

I write every time I get depressed. It is a stress relief. Sometimes it is the only thing that soothes me. I would never criticize someone's depression unless they play it out for sympathy.

Funny thing when you reach that apex. You are never going back to it, one way or another. I put some value on my life. Not my own value. Rather I valued it in perspective of those who love me. I could not imagine how they would feel in my mind and that is what drove me to find a different way to relieve my depression. I could not cope with the thought of coping. That's why I did not do it.

It is January 27th, 2016. I am writing this for those who cannot put into words or are scared just like I was. Almost everyone in life suffers from some form of depression at some time or another.

It is January 27th 2016. I am writing this for me. for you. for the millions of faceless people who find an identity at least once a year.

Be you. Be the weird person you want to be. Be the person you thought you could be. Stay true to who you are. Talk to people, regardless if you are introvert. Be true to yourself.

#BellLetsTalk

Best Regards,

Devon.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

afraid...

I'm afraid...

It is not the reasons that usually eat people up, anxiety, depression or some big event.

Often times I just do not want to wake up.

As dreary as that sounds, it is true. I don't know what kind of pain i'll be in or what will happen.

What I do know is that I will have to be up during the day. The ironic thing about depression and anxiety. You do not pick when it effects you the most. Mine hits me hardest during the day. I'm alone. I'm afraid. I cannot find an escape.

I am afraid....

One day I might be more confident and who you want me to be.

Instead I'll sit here and dream of better days that I have not had. I will lay here and debate all the conversations I've never had. I'll overthink the words I have never said. The actions I chose to ignore.

Mostly, I'll dwell on my shortcomings, my lack of future and who I am now. Not the person I was 8 years ago.

I am afraid....

I'm well. I'm a moderately healthy 24 year old with questionable motor functions and muscle tightness.

It is beginning to define me, everyday I wake up.

It defines me to all those around me. It crushes me that it defines me in any sense. It makes me irrationally angry that at my age I've only had one or two happy memories.

I'm afraid that I am on empty, looking to escape the monotony of 24 hours of confinement to my own mind.

I'm afraid of who I am, who I will become and what I will become.

I'm afraid I cannot make you happy.

I'm afraid I cannot make me happy.

I'm Afraid....

I'm Afraid....

Monday, January 4, 2016

Hello Darkness.

I'm in the dark.

I don't see much light. I can feel some. I can move. I can pretend to see.

Right now, everything is gloomy. I'm unaware of what is going to break first. My body and my mind.

Learning I could've been living with some sort of Palsy (Which could've been treatable) to prevent pain. I am mad.

I am unsure how I've went my whole life. 22 surgeries, countless doctors, surgeons and medical professionals. Testing everything from my reflexes, my voice, my ears and my speech. Through test after test. Not one was a scan of my brain and the way it works. I know the way it works in a dark world. I have cousins and friends who reach out. I cannot go, it really is not at fault of me not wanting to. I can't. I cannot deal with the pain and anxiety of my situation. My wife tries to get me out of the house. I fail her at every chance.

I am slightly concerned of my future. All being stalled by a surgery that is never going to happen. A metaphorical look into my own life and what to look forward to. Nothing to help, nothing to please, and nothing to make me feel any more human.

My brother chose to hold out talking to me for 3 months. That hurt more than probably anything in my life. He's been my motivating factor for life. For almost anything I do. I try to give him some hope that I might be better than what I am.

I am better than what I was dealt. I am a pussy for relying on the crutch of pain. I am a pussy for relying on my depression to excuse my introversion.

I'm not sure what I was meant for. I'm opinionated, smart, and reckless. I am aboriginal, political and cynical. I am a man with so many identities and so little to show for myself.

2015 was a rough year. It did not teach me nothing. except where I stand within my family.

Bonne soiree,

I'm fine.

Devon.