Hopeless 51%
Overwhelmed 87%
Exhausted 82%
Lonely 61.7%
Very Sad 65.6%
Depressed 34.4%
Anxiety 52.1%
Anger 40.7%
Stress 57.1%
Consider Suicide 6.8 %
Attempt suicide 1.7%
As per 2011 poll by National College Health Assessment of 1600 students at random Sampling
In post secondary at any given day you can hear about one person having a breakdown in class, walk down a hallway see someone crying or walk through the library and watch someone scribble notes and rip them up. I am about 2 steps away from being the person to breakdown in class.
Post-secondary is never what I thought it would be. You go, get an education and learn what you need to to get that well paying job. Society has a funny way of dictating what you should do. How you should do it and why you should do it. In actuality, it is hearing stories of people who drink for 'fun', professors who don't really give a shit (as long as they earn their cheque) and severe anxiety and social problems that will feast on your mind whilst you are there. In my experience, of course.
By the looks of it that is a common theme, remember taken from 1600 students, U of A has about a 70x more than that. People are going to school now to show up more than anything. People who train their mind to remember everything out of sheer memorization like a Rat going through a maze. How much does a person actually take away from that? I have tried that, I have taken away a few interesting facts, but after the semester is done I pretty much forget anything that happened in that class. It is never how much you know, or how much you can apply to a real life situation. It is how well can you stare at notes or repeatedly write them before you are forced to learn it. Seems like a fun day to me. Which is what modern day post secondary is.
Least enjoyable 2 years of my life so far.
I did not enjoy my time at school, Elementary to high school. I thought post-secondary could revoke those feelings. I certainly feel no better about it. People tell me you gotta go to school and get your education to get your job, support your family, have good credit, and live a comfortable life. Credit: is money that you do not have. Your success in life is money you do not have.
I wanted post-secondary to be something else for me. It has caused a multitude of health problems, and those health problems are becoming the main focus. It has caused more anger to fill my soul than any one thing that has ever happened to me. It has caused my time on Earth to become less enjoyable. It turns your brain into a mouse on a wheel waiting for something to go wrong.
I have experienced all but attempted suicide from that list. In any given week in fact.
Someone seriously needs to look at these issues faced in students in post-secondary and try to work something out where that much emotion is not evoked. We will lose bright minds, and good people to the outside pressures.
Walk around a post-secondary institution, feel how uncomfortable it is, how uncomfortable the people look and how programmed it all becomes. It is heartbreaking.
I'm trying to enjoy myself, it is just not in the realm of possibilities at this moment.
Regards,
Devon
This is my life, contains anxiety and the constant struggle with the unknown.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
The Irony of the Marketplace
E. Coli outbreak in Canada, transferring into the United States, what does it mean to the average person. Not a whole lot, except for those 4 people who ate the meat that wasn't cooked properly.
I don't like eating out much, I also don't dine out much because of my fear of poorly cooked meat.
But the mass hysteria this is cause is just rikidus. E. Coli is found in almost all food, soft drinks your body digests. In fact E. Coli in moderate amounts can help strengthen immune system and digestive function. Of course that is after your insides want to be on your outsides.
You wail away at the heartstrings of others about how you shit for 3 days because you bought 'tainted meat'. The same person who complained about Pink Slime. A preservative responsible for the control of Ecoli and Salmonella bacteria. So they shut some places down, and turn a makeshift factory that pumps out maybe 100 cows every hour to 300 cows an hour. With lack of food and lack of disinfectant their hands were tied because of the media. Media dictates what happens to those farms. The families that help run it and how comfortably they live for that month.
I don't understand much about the whole hysteria. You want pink slime down, which is ammonia that neutralizes the bacteria so you can kill the bacteria along with the slime at a lower heat. As long as you learn how to cook a piece of meat. Meaning not on high you are not at risk.
So you are pregnant and don't want to chance it, I'm all for it. But, I guarantee you that mcdonalds and Dirty Greasy Chicken as if you are a saint for avoiding store bought product. Cause what's festering in that food is so much better.
Let these people do their job and you do yours. They don't go to your job and tell you to stop cleaning your desk/table.
Regards,
Devon
Tune in later when I attack Organic food and Taber Corn trucks.
Fucking Thing Sucks.
I don't like eating out much, I also don't dine out much because of my fear of poorly cooked meat.
But the mass hysteria this is cause is just rikidus. E. Coli is found in almost all food, soft drinks your body digests. In fact E. Coli in moderate amounts can help strengthen immune system and digestive function. Of course that is after your insides want to be on your outsides.
You wail away at the heartstrings of others about how you shit for 3 days because you bought 'tainted meat'. The same person who complained about Pink Slime. A preservative responsible for the control of Ecoli and Salmonella bacteria. So they shut some places down, and turn a makeshift factory that pumps out maybe 100 cows every hour to 300 cows an hour. With lack of food and lack of disinfectant their hands were tied because of the media. Media dictates what happens to those farms. The families that help run it and how comfortably they live for that month.
I don't understand much about the whole hysteria. You want pink slime down, which is ammonia that neutralizes the bacteria so you can kill the bacteria along with the slime at a lower heat. As long as you learn how to cook a piece of meat. Meaning not on high you are not at risk.
So you are pregnant and don't want to chance it, I'm all for it. But, I guarantee you that mcdonalds and Dirty Greasy Chicken as if you are a saint for avoiding store bought product. Cause what's festering in that food is so much better.
Let these people do their job and you do yours. They don't go to your job and tell you to stop cleaning your desk/table.
Regards,
Devon
Tune in later when I attack Organic food and Taber Corn trucks.
Fucking Thing Sucks.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
School and its affect on anxiety, anger and depression
Learning about your body, your systems, your bones, your cells is something incredible. Whether you learn about the squamous cell, the long bone, the humerus, the fibrocartilage, or the cell make up of a ground substance; it has the same affect, holy shit that is a lot of information
I took night classes this semester because I learn better at night.
It has taken its toll by now though, My body doesn't quite enjoy the school environment. My mind races, my heart pumps as fast as it can, I get shortness of breath.
A full on panic attack. Why? Because, if I don't get this amount of questions right. If I don't retain what a cuboidus cell is my mark is gonna hit the shitter. Because, someone dictates how I am going to be successful. Regardless if I could use it in practical environments better than I could on a piece of tree mulch.
But, that is school. What school did to me last year was nothing enjoyable. Made me susceptible to an ulcer, caused pain in my legs, caused migraines.
I could deal, this year I don't feel anxiety as bad, I am not as sad. All I feel is pure anger, at nothing or nobody in particular. I have never been so angry. I can't even explain why I am angry, or justify it. I just am
If you've ever read into the brain, it memorizes things easier based on emotion felt at the time as well as focus. Typically anger doesn't help you in the memorization department. So when I don't retain information I get angry. Which builds up.
I am writing this in hopes I can channel anger into positive. But, all this is doing is putting a new spin on it.
I guess I could say in a way, I miss my sadness and anxiety, cause it is all I have known for 5 months. I don't want to be angry anymore.
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone"
Regards,
Devon
I took night classes this semester because I learn better at night.
It has taken its toll by now though, My body doesn't quite enjoy the school environment. My mind races, my heart pumps as fast as it can, I get shortness of breath.
A full on panic attack. Why? Because, if I don't get this amount of questions right. If I don't retain what a cuboidus cell is my mark is gonna hit the shitter. Because, someone dictates how I am going to be successful. Regardless if I could use it in practical environments better than I could on a piece of tree mulch.
But, that is school. What school did to me last year was nothing enjoyable. Made me susceptible to an ulcer, caused pain in my legs, caused migraines.
I could deal, this year I don't feel anxiety as bad, I am not as sad. All I feel is pure anger, at nothing or nobody in particular. I have never been so angry. I can't even explain why I am angry, or justify it. I just am
If you've ever read into the brain, it memorizes things easier based on emotion felt at the time as well as focus. Typically anger doesn't help you in the memorization department. So when I don't retain information I get angry. Which builds up.
I am writing this in hopes I can channel anger into positive. But, all this is doing is putting a new spin on it.
I guess I could say in a way, I miss my sadness and anxiety, cause it is all I have known for 5 months. I don't want to be angry anymore.
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone"
Regards,
Devon
Monday, September 10, 2012
Today is Suicide prevention day, a new confession
September 10th, Suicide Prevention/Awareness Day
The day after my birthday is always a sad one. One where I can identify with those around me who have the look. The empty look, the blank eye gazing, the mouth slightly open. The look of despair. I can identify with these people because at a point in my life was the same. Unaware of my surroundings, unaware how others felt around me. No self-esteem no feeling of self-worth. No appreciation for life on this earth or the people around me. I didn't appreciate much of anything anyone said to me. Positive or negative. It is a funk, a nasty funk at that. You don't know what to do. Each hour of the day feels wretched and disgustingly long. All you want is to die.
Go to sleep, hope it is gone when you wake up. The feeling of needing to vomit because of your own problems your brain creates. The thoughts of suicide, how you could do it, when, who would miss you; It is something I experienced in high school. It is a very rough time. My body deteriorated because of the lack of dopamine running through my body. So you eat, masturbate or find someway to get some dopamine flowing. Apart from physically hurting yourself or a loving hug those are the 2 that people use the most to feel some semblance of happiness. Then you abuse it, gain weight, feel shame and hate the person you are becoming even more.
I wandered around my house looking for food, never ate anything. I was one of those people who didn't eat when he felt sad or depressed. The sickness that comes with depression is tormenting on the body. Wake up and a very unsatisfying runny dump, eat, maybe go to school if I didn't have a migraine or a stomach ache from the anxiety. If I didn't go to school maybe read a textbook for 20 minutes, wonder if it is even worth my trouble to read it. Then find something to watch or play. That was my life for high school. I hated every minute of it. Find some semblance of a normal life. It was more than teenage angst. It was full blown anxiety and depression. A severe lack of empathy or sympathy for anything. Got rejected, called them a slut skank bitch waste of time. Make them hate me because somewhere in me I craved the hatred of others. Go out with people hating you so you could slide out without anything missing you. I never shared my story of depression until now. The face to match the story of my life is now uncovered from the mask. I never spoke to my family, friends, or anyone in passing, confession or just conversation. It is not something you can tell someone unless they have been there.
"oh hey, yeah i've been feeling depressed lately" "okay, why?" And that is what no person can answer rationally. It is always "the world hates me, I am never getting respect, I never get someone who is genuinely interested in me. God gave up on me, and that's all he is gonna do for you." You need to have the opinion of someone else. It needs to be juxtaposed to yours, and they won't tell you what you want to hear. But, it is what they need to tell you to snap out of the funk. They need tell you to appreciate life, and forget all of the irrational stuff that rattles in their brain every morning and every night.
It has been about a year since I have even had the thought of suicide. This past year, my health has improved and deteriorated even worse. My legs have been improving every day. My ulcer is maintained but my pills cause me problems. But, I have felt happy. My mom is my rock, my girlfriend is the main thing that keeps me sane. Keeps me wanting to go on and be successful. My brother was someone who I identified with, knowing he vested interest in my schooling and well-being. He always looks out for me.
I have the odd-day where I get back in that funk, never think about suicide though. I get sad, depressed, and fear death because, I am not done here.
I know if I did it, people would miss me. Words said, or actions taken mean nothing at the end of the day. Move on, you don't know when that person or you might pass. Be human, forgive and forget, help those around you. It is as simple as buying the persons coffee that is ahead of you. Every time I would think about who would miss me, I just think about my mother. She wouldn't be able to handle it. I think about my girlfriend, she wouldn't be able to handle it. It would probably damage my brother's journey for a Ph.d. I would never get to show my nephew the newest games, play hockey with him, give him a hug every time I see him. My niece would never have a person to go with the few pictures that are out there of me.
In conclusion, I had learned the true meaning of life and success. It is not how much money or the job you hold. It is making an impact in the lives around you. Being the awesome husband, brother, father, or the crazy uncle. Making the day of a stranger with a nice gesture. Conversing with someone about their daily problems and providing your own experiences. Being happy and having peace in your body and mind. Not being selfish and relying on others to provide you with money, or other material things.
Just appreciate the days you are alive, appreciate the moments of laughter with your family and friends. Never lose sight of what makes you... you.
Don't put any weight into suicidal thoughts, it will eat you up alive. It will make your mind turn your body against you. It self-defeats every aspect of you. Suicide is selfish and a horrible end to life.
If you know anyone who has thought about it, feels depressed or looks depressed. Please talk to them. You could save a life and make life easier to live for them.
Today is suicide prevention day, the people I love have prevented me from committing suicide
Thanks for reading,
Best Regards,
Devon
The day after my birthday is always a sad one. One where I can identify with those around me who have the look. The empty look, the blank eye gazing, the mouth slightly open. The look of despair. I can identify with these people because at a point in my life was the same. Unaware of my surroundings, unaware how others felt around me. No self-esteem no feeling of self-worth. No appreciation for life on this earth or the people around me. I didn't appreciate much of anything anyone said to me. Positive or negative. It is a funk, a nasty funk at that. You don't know what to do. Each hour of the day feels wretched and disgustingly long. All you want is to die.
Go to sleep, hope it is gone when you wake up. The feeling of needing to vomit because of your own problems your brain creates. The thoughts of suicide, how you could do it, when, who would miss you; It is something I experienced in high school. It is a very rough time. My body deteriorated because of the lack of dopamine running through my body. So you eat, masturbate or find someway to get some dopamine flowing. Apart from physically hurting yourself or a loving hug those are the 2 that people use the most to feel some semblance of happiness. Then you abuse it, gain weight, feel shame and hate the person you are becoming even more.
I wandered around my house looking for food, never ate anything. I was one of those people who didn't eat when he felt sad or depressed. The sickness that comes with depression is tormenting on the body. Wake up and a very unsatisfying runny dump, eat, maybe go to school if I didn't have a migraine or a stomach ache from the anxiety. If I didn't go to school maybe read a textbook for 20 minutes, wonder if it is even worth my trouble to read it. Then find something to watch or play. That was my life for high school. I hated every minute of it. Find some semblance of a normal life. It was more than teenage angst. It was full blown anxiety and depression. A severe lack of empathy or sympathy for anything. Got rejected, called them a slut skank bitch waste of time. Make them hate me because somewhere in me I craved the hatred of others. Go out with people hating you so you could slide out without anything missing you. I never shared my story of depression until now. The face to match the story of my life is now uncovered from the mask. I never spoke to my family, friends, or anyone in passing, confession or just conversation. It is not something you can tell someone unless they have been there.
"oh hey, yeah i've been feeling depressed lately" "okay, why?" And that is what no person can answer rationally. It is always "the world hates me, I am never getting respect, I never get someone who is genuinely interested in me. God gave up on me, and that's all he is gonna do for you." You need to have the opinion of someone else. It needs to be juxtaposed to yours, and they won't tell you what you want to hear. But, it is what they need to tell you to snap out of the funk. They need tell you to appreciate life, and forget all of the irrational stuff that rattles in their brain every morning and every night.
It has been about a year since I have even had the thought of suicide. This past year, my health has improved and deteriorated even worse. My legs have been improving every day. My ulcer is maintained but my pills cause me problems. But, I have felt happy. My mom is my rock, my girlfriend is the main thing that keeps me sane. Keeps me wanting to go on and be successful. My brother was someone who I identified with, knowing he vested interest in my schooling and well-being. He always looks out for me.
I have the odd-day where I get back in that funk, never think about suicide though. I get sad, depressed, and fear death because, I am not done here.
I know if I did it, people would miss me. Words said, or actions taken mean nothing at the end of the day. Move on, you don't know when that person or you might pass. Be human, forgive and forget, help those around you. It is as simple as buying the persons coffee that is ahead of you. Every time I would think about who would miss me, I just think about my mother. She wouldn't be able to handle it. I think about my girlfriend, she wouldn't be able to handle it. It would probably damage my brother's journey for a Ph.d. I would never get to show my nephew the newest games, play hockey with him, give him a hug every time I see him. My niece would never have a person to go with the few pictures that are out there of me.
In conclusion, I had learned the true meaning of life and success. It is not how much money or the job you hold. It is making an impact in the lives around you. Being the awesome husband, brother, father, or the crazy uncle. Making the day of a stranger with a nice gesture. Conversing with someone about their daily problems and providing your own experiences. Being happy and having peace in your body and mind. Not being selfish and relying on others to provide you with money, or other material things.
Just appreciate the days you are alive, appreciate the moments of laughter with your family and friends. Never lose sight of what makes you... you.
Don't put any weight into suicidal thoughts, it will eat you up alive. It will make your mind turn your body against you. It self-defeats every aspect of you. Suicide is selfish and a horrible end to life.
If you know anyone who has thought about it, feels depressed or looks depressed. Please talk to them. You could save a life and make life easier to live for them.
Today is suicide prevention day, the people I love have prevented me from committing suicide
Thanks for reading,
Best Regards,
Devon
Sunday, September 9, 2012
20 years done, here's to 21. Thanks
Another sunset, another night of playing video games. Indecision of the plans tomorrow. Living 20 years. Heading into the 21st.
Sunday marks my 21st Birthday. I hope everyone has a wonderful today. I think of those who were lost before 21. Children today who will never see their 21st. I hope all is well for those around me on 'my' day, And that is enough.
This year I vow to help raise money for the Stollery, not sure how yet. Without them my life would be drastically different and probably worse. Thank you stollery, taxpayers, and the doctors to allow me to live a relatively healthy life.
Most importantly thank you to my family.
My godfather Morris who has tried his whole life to make sure I know he was there for me. A man who battled more than anyone probably should. Thank you uncle morris.
Thank you to my Auntie Freeda. Who I saw recently and hope one day will become close to my godmother.
Thank you Shannon, I don't see you much, but we can pick up a conversation and make disgusting jokes together like we have been best friends for our entire lives. A special connection that is shared with so few people.
Thank you Jaden, for playing shitty action figure toys when we were up at 6 am when we were 9. And knowing we are close now.
Thank you to my grandmother who humbles me, a person who has lived a very static life. I wouldn't be who I am without her. She inspires me to help those who need it most. Regardless of my situation.
My Grandpa Max - A simple man, a man with knowledge beyond anyones years. A man I wish I got to learn his stories from his past.
Auntie Diane who I haven't seen recently is always an inspiration. 20 years kicking cancers ass.
Thank you Amanda for giving me someone to snuggle every night. Share stories with and being all that I want.
Thank you Uncle Lonnie for teaching me the art of Pessimism and cynicism. Just kidding. My uncle has been willing to help me whichever way we can. Without question.
Thank you Dallas, without you school wouldn't be a reality.
Thank you Darcy, for being there through my entire life.
Thank you Dave for being my father, stepped in when other people couldn't care less.
Thank you Matt for being a 3rd brother.
Thank you to all of my friends.
Thank you Mom, who has given me all I could ask for. A rock for all I go through. Staying in the Recovery room with me for as long as I was there. Whatever gift I wanted, I got. Whatever moral support regardless of the situation. For being the mother that every kid hopes for. That is all I could ask.
Without those people in my life, it would make life sufferable.
On my 21st birthday, I don't wish for any present. Just for those to know their presence makes life worth it.
And to anyone I have wronged and you are still holding a grudge. Or anyone holding a grudge on anyone in their family. Don't bother. It isn't worth it. At the end of the day all you have is Family.
Thank you all and much love to everyone.
Regards, Devon
Sunday marks my 21st Birthday. I hope everyone has a wonderful today. I think of those who were lost before 21. Children today who will never see their 21st. I hope all is well for those around me on 'my' day, And that is enough.
This year I vow to help raise money for the Stollery, not sure how yet. Without them my life would be drastically different and probably worse. Thank you stollery, taxpayers, and the doctors to allow me to live a relatively healthy life.
Most importantly thank you to my family.
My godfather Morris who has tried his whole life to make sure I know he was there for me. A man who battled more than anyone probably should. Thank you uncle morris.
Thank you to my Auntie Freeda. Who I saw recently and hope one day will become close to my godmother.
Thank you Shannon, I don't see you much, but we can pick up a conversation and make disgusting jokes together like we have been best friends for our entire lives. A special connection that is shared with so few people.
Thank you Jaden, for playing shitty action figure toys when we were up at 6 am when we were 9. And knowing we are close now.
Thank you to my grandmother who humbles me, a person who has lived a very static life. I wouldn't be who I am without her. She inspires me to help those who need it most. Regardless of my situation.
My Grandpa Max - A simple man, a man with knowledge beyond anyones years. A man I wish I got to learn his stories from his past.
Auntie Diane who I haven't seen recently is always an inspiration. 20 years kicking cancers ass.
Thank you Amanda for giving me someone to snuggle every night. Share stories with and being all that I want.
Thank you Uncle Lonnie for teaching me the art of Pessimism and cynicism. Just kidding. My uncle has been willing to help me whichever way we can. Without question.
Thank you Dallas, without you school wouldn't be a reality.
Thank you Darcy, for being there through my entire life.
Thank you Dave for being my father, stepped in when other people couldn't care less.
Thank you Matt for being a 3rd brother.
Thank you to all of my friends.
Thank you Mom, who has given me all I could ask for. A rock for all I go through. Staying in the Recovery room with me for as long as I was there. Whatever gift I wanted, I got. Whatever moral support regardless of the situation. For being the mother that every kid hopes for. That is all I could ask.
Without those people in my life, it would make life sufferable.
On my 21st birthday, I don't wish for any present. Just for those to know their presence makes life worth it.
And to anyone I have wronged and you are still holding a grudge. Or anyone holding a grudge on anyone in their family. Don't bother. It isn't worth it. At the end of the day all you have is Family.
Thank you all and much love to everyone.
Regards, Devon
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