Disappointment

It's getting a little tough right now. There are always brighter days, but the darker days are here. When I suffered my first bout of depression at the age of 10, I thought that hopefully this does not last throughout my life. 17 years of cyclical depression is frustrating, upsetting and... well depressing. I always have hope that eventually I will reach an age where my depression is like, "Nah, I'm done". Whenever that happens I will have finally reached my own heaven.

I am becoming increasingly more aware how depression systematically fucks with your career, school and relationships. One thing that always is a depression trigger for me is disappointing people. I am a people pleaser (still an asshole some days). However, no amount of kudos or general gratitude outweighs one instance of disappointing someone. It's never myself, either. I've been disappointing myself since I was 7. From the first time I forgot how to spell "who" in 3rd grade. I guess when being introspective, I was able to rationalize most of my own disappointments, compartmentalize and repress and move on. I guess that's not healthy, but I don't know what healthy is.

I'm worried I am disappointing everyone. I feel I am disappointing my wife. I fear I am disappointing my Mother in law. I'm worried I am disappointing my uncle and my aunt. I'm worried I am disappointing my friends, by not visiting. I'm worried I am disappointing my best friends. I'm worried that I will disappoint people enough that I am alone. This is not a cry for people to say you do not disappoint me. I know I do not, but demons are stronger than my rational mind most days.

I am afraid to make jokes, some days. I am afraid to talk. I am afraid to move some days.

My biggest disappointment in life is how my demons have controlled a lot of my future, without me realizing it in the past. I have little self-respect. It wears and grinds at your aspirations. I did not try in a lot of ways. Most days my depression would dictate something like "You are probably going to fail. You are going to get fired. You are not doing enough. You are doing too much. You do not need to do that". As long as I did the bare minimum, I would have enough mental sustain to make it through another week. I did not enjoy school, for the reason that depression crushes you when you take exams. I failed relationships because the thought of "If someone else is depressed, you'll feel better." It is a dangerous way to live life with always wondering when someone will tune you up. You isolate, you forget. You forgive but the other person does not. That is when depression has won.

I am worried that no one wants to read the depressed thoughts of a 27 year old man.

I am worried I am disappointing everyone.

Regards,

Devon.