Tuesday, August 12, 2014

for RW.

Thanks Robin Williams. Thanks to the thousands of other contributing members of society who have also passed. Before someone is a gigantic ass about this. I am not ignorant to the fact that Robin Williams lived well off, had a family and loving kids. I'm not ignorant to the fact that thousands of people have died in the past month that are also just as important to their family.

I am writing this for perspective. Whenever a heartbreaking story about suicide comes out, it hurts me deep. I don't know the person. But, I fight the same demons. It is a stark realization of what I fight everyday that I am alive. It may seem a little naive to say that Robin Williams dying has effected me immensely. But, it has. I am a amateur comedian, an ass and someone who tries his hardest to entertain. Night time is where my demons come to roost. I have no one to entertain, so my mind entertains me. It is not friendly nor is it hospitable to my well-being. However, that is what my life has been for 16 months. I don't sleep. I do not like sleeping. Yet, I will medicate my way to getting a few hours a night. I go for stretches where I eat once a day and drink water to binge eating. My weight is an atrocity. That is because my future is uncertain. As is yours. I have major surgeries and a career yet to plan.

I want to entertain, I want to help. I'd write columns for free. I'd put effort into writing this blog for a mass audience. Even moreso than now. I want it for the fame. I want it for the luxury. But, most of all I want it to do what I was born to do. Make others happy, make others think, make others love, make others enjoy life. At the expense of my enjoyment. I still plan to do stand up.

This is where this is my life hits a crux. Stand up comedians are some of the most depressed people you will ever meet. They are the epitome of a troubled case. Most comedians are self-deprecating and angry. Most of them medicate to sleep. Most of them self medicate to even get through a set.

RW battled addiction, depression and chronic anxiety.

in 1998 he was chosen to sing Blame Canada on behalf of the voice actress of Sheila Brovlovski of South Park. She committed suicide a few weeks before she was set to sing at the oscars.

He seemed to hit a crux. His stand up stalled, his movies were dark. His characters were maladjusted.
Perhaps mirroring his own mind and the cage that surrounds it.

RW gave his entire efforts into his acting, his voice acting, his singing, his entertaining, his philanthropy. RW gave everything he had until he had nothing left. No one was there to entertain, to talk or to listen to him when he needed it most. He never spoke up. His instagram activity would seem as if he is reminiscing. But, it is eerie the photos he has posted. I fear he had this plan for weeks.

Maybe great minds and comedic geniuses are meant to stay for a shorter time. Maybe they feel better if they decide how they go.

RW is one of millions of people who struggled with their depression.

RW was not weak, he was not a coward and he did not take the easy way out.

He was a father, entertainer, comedian, philanthropist, impressionist, good guy and an inspiration.

Thanks RW for the laughs and the inspiration. Without comedians like you, I would not want to entertain. I would not be the person I am.