Maybe I should not be afraid of change. But, that is not me. Living paycheque to paycheque, asking for money, finding ways to get food. I would've thought watching those around me figure out how to navigate life with obstacles, children, and emotions mixed in would have helped me navigate change. It has not.
I have become a creature of habit to deal with my depression. I would go to bed at the same time everyday, I would eat around the same time, I would allow myself to snack. I would smoke at the same times everyday. I learned that my brain does not do well when I am up past 10 pm. I trained my body (with the help of sleep aids) to go to bed so I would not have to feel the anxiety and depression that comes with being up at night. A lot of my feelings towards being up alone have been passed onto me by my familial upbringings. My mom did not like being up alone and for whatever reason I understand why.
With a change in work I have now found myself in the deepest of fears of my mind. Being up past 11. I get home at 12:20. In that 5 minutes after I get home I will find out what Devon will be battling it out. I feel a very heightened sense of depression being up alone. It is truly emblematic of what depression is. No one to talk with. Just me and my brain.
I'll be fine... For however long this lasts. I will not be living a very happy life during this stretch that I am on evening shift. I'll be living a life of necessity to make it through the dark hours. Over the past 4 years I have sincerely worked on my mental health. I guess I will find out if I can put together some of those preparations to keep my severe depression from coming back.
In these 2 years since I have been gainfully employed I have not suffered from as severe of depression as it used to be. I haven't had a suicidal thought in about 20 months. It has been unlike any feeling I can have before. But, even as I type this, I can tell you that anxiety and depression do not move on a continuous timeline. They just mess up your day... whenever the want. I need to stay above myself. Nipping any possible negative thoughts from festering and manifesting. Maybe this is all in bad taste. Because all in all, I'm happily married, employed, have strong relationships and friends I KNOW care about me and my success. I have remained relatively healthy, saw beautiful things, have meaningful conversations. I have not had to live uncomfortably in 4 years, I have been fortunate to work on my marriage in a way I never thought possible and I have cut a lot of toxicity from my life. I do not have it as bad as most people.
But for me, at 12:25am for the next month+ I only see the negative and dwell on my own insecurities and misunderstandings.
Regards,
Devon
