Visiting doctors, diagnosticians and professionals. I've come to learn that my pain is almost not recognized. What I say is helping me is ignored. the carousel of medications that have the same effect as writing "prayers" on someones status. I'm not sure what the end goal is. I'm not liking the journey. It has crushed self-esteem and morale trying to battle through. To be told you might have something that shouldve been diagnosed at birth hurts.
I take medication, when I am directed. Pain is there. Medication is basically bitch slapped by the pain. I feel like my doctor's believe at that my age. I am not worthy of being "given up on" so to speak. By that I mean, they won't put me on painkillers with heavy attacks on the pain I feel. At 24 they feel like I should not be on narcotics. The truth is, it is what I should be on. It allows me to function. To not be in pain just sitting down. Learning that ultimately my spastic legs have many causes. Much of which are incurable and fatal. As is everything else,
Ironically I do not care what the dignosis is. they'll still run the carousel. I'll stay up all night depressed hoping for a doctor to give up on me.
I'm not looking for something to numb the physical. I need something to numb me... period.
This is my life, contains anxiety and the constant struggle with the unknown.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Thursday, December 3, 2015
The 'indian'
What does it mean to be called an Indian? It is derogatory and defamatory (unless from India).
You know what, you are never just called an "Indian". There is typically an adjective that follows. Things like
1. Drunk
2. Dirty
3. Stupid
4. Welfare
We are the oft-forgotten or at least the people that people want to forget exist in Canada. Luckily, they have handy little reserves (which we are told to go back to nearly everyday) that we can live on. Often told... You have your own land, why come here?
To further ourselves. Our families. Our future generations.
Recently, indigenous persons of Canada have had their first Rhodes Scholar. A phenomenal achievement that should never be taken at face value. It goes far beyond that. Every institution, every person he may have met or otherwise would discourage him to be less.
That's the mindset that most Indigenous persons have. I cannot be better. I am not smart enough.
Sadly, this will forever inhibit them if they want to believe this.
Indigenous people may never be afforded the same rights or privileges and that will never be at fault at the communities. It is a multi-system failure at the executive and legislative branch. Lack of clean drinking water, appropriate shelter and often times a scarcity of foods show how little First Nations communities are thought of.
Others wonder why the Aboriginal population lives so poorly.
Their ancestors were told to be nothing, succeed at nothing and take nothing.
Sadly, those teachings are cemented for generations to come.
I came to write about the sad state of many First Nations communities around the world. It became so much more depressing.
Only recently have we stuck up for ourselves. Through the means of Idle No More. I could not be more proud to be apart of a movement that hopefully yields change.
My brothers and sisters, make First Nations communities known. Do not let them forget that we exist. They will pay attention. Be apart of the solution.
Best Regards,
Devon
You know what, you are never just called an "Indian". There is typically an adjective that follows. Things like
1. Drunk
2. Dirty
3. Stupid
4. Welfare
We are the oft-forgotten or at least the people that people want to forget exist in Canada. Luckily, they have handy little reserves (which we are told to go back to nearly everyday) that we can live on. Often told... You have your own land, why come here?
To further ourselves. Our families. Our future generations.
Recently, indigenous persons of Canada have had their first Rhodes Scholar. A phenomenal achievement that should never be taken at face value. It goes far beyond that. Every institution, every person he may have met or otherwise would discourage him to be less.
That's the mindset that most Indigenous persons have. I cannot be better. I am not smart enough.
Sadly, this will forever inhibit them if they want to believe this.
Indigenous people may never be afforded the same rights or privileges and that will never be at fault at the communities. It is a multi-system failure at the executive and legislative branch. Lack of clean drinking water, appropriate shelter and often times a scarcity of foods show how little First Nations communities are thought of.
Others wonder why the Aboriginal population lives so poorly.
Their ancestors were told to be nothing, succeed at nothing and take nothing.
Sadly, those teachings are cemented for generations to come.
I came to write about the sad state of many First Nations communities around the world. It became so much more depressing.
Only recently have we stuck up for ourselves. Through the means of Idle No More. I could not be more proud to be apart of a movement that hopefully yields change.
My brothers and sisters, make First Nations communities known. Do not let them forget that we exist. They will pay attention. Be apart of the solution.
Best Regards,
Devon
Thursday, November 5, 2015
About Today... The Lull During Excitement
I'm excited to be going on a trip.
I'm in more pain than I have ever been. Been rejected more than Christopher Mintz-Plasse in high school. I can barely walk. I'm constantly in tensors. I have had 4 straight mornings with a migraine.
The trip is a touristy trip to Seattle. It is exciting. It is a place I've always wanted to visit.
Now: what I have I noticed since the trip has inched closer. I've become more empty. I've become more numb to what's going on. I'm alone for the day. Then have my wife for 3 hours and then alone for the night for my demons to feast on me.
I am not strong enough to fight these demons right now.
I'm not strong enough to be ... me
Whoever that is.
Unfortunately, if I bring this up, the first thing I'm gonna hear is. "You're married, strong, been through a lot, going on a trip. Everything seems nice for you."
Nothing seems nice for me inside of the dark clouds.
The ironic thing about depression is this; it will humble you whenever you feel the need to be excited. It will humble you when you think you see an end to the darkness. It will humble you when you least want or expect it to.
This is the beast that is depression. Is it a positive thing to feel depression.
Yes, I'm a proponent that nearly all of society should feel depression at some point. In a very Socratic mindset I think that if a person does not experience bad days, they will not know what a good day is.
But, I do not want to open up. I've been putting off this blog for weeks. I've only told a couple people the depths of who I am. Video games are keeping me afloat. Which becomes sad in its own right. That video games need to level me.
Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow and the next day are all different but so far; it is only different in the emptiness and self-loathing I feel. I want to tell my family that their bullshit hurt me. I want to tell my friends that sometimes I snap when I don't intend to. I'm internalizing. The last time I did that it became a darkness I've never seen before.
I'll be fine. I'm putting words on screen to help me.
Best Regards,
Devon M T Hunt
I'm in more pain than I have ever been. Been rejected more than Christopher Mintz-Plasse in high school. I can barely walk. I'm constantly in tensors. I have had 4 straight mornings with a migraine.
The trip is a touristy trip to Seattle. It is exciting. It is a place I've always wanted to visit.
Now: what I have I noticed since the trip has inched closer. I've become more empty. I've become more numb to what's going on. I'm alone for the day. Then have my wife for 3 hours and then alone for the night for my demons to feast on me.
I am not strong enough to fight these demons right now.
I'm not strong enough to be ... me
Whoever that is.
Unfortunately, if I bring this up, the first thing I'm gonna hear is. "You're married, strong, been through a lot, going on a trip. Everything seems nice for you."
Nothing seems nice for me inside of the dark clouds.
The ironic thing about depression is this; it will humble you whenever you feel the need to be excited. It will humble you when you think you see an end to the darkness. It will humble you when you least want or expect it to.
This is the beast that is depression. Is it a positive thing to feel depression.
Yes, I'm a proponent that nearly all of society should feel depression at some point. In a very Socratic mindset I think that if a person does not experience bad days, they will not know what a good day is.
But, I do not want to open up. I've been putting off this blog for weeks. I've only told a couple people the depths of who I am. Video games are keeping me afloat. Which becomes sad in its own right. That video games need to level me.
Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow and the next day are all different but so far; it is only different in the emptiness and self-loathing I feel. I want to tell my family that their bullshit hurt me. I want to tell my friends that sometimes I snap when I don't intend to. I'm internalizing. The last time I did that it became a darkness I've never seen before.
I'll be fine. I'm putting words on screen to help me.
Best Regards,
Devon M T Hunt
Friday, October 9, 2015
Voice
Today is October 9th. Ten days until arguably the biggest election in Kanata's history. We will rush to the polls to vote on each persons facial features on commercials. Key words like Balanced Budgets and lower taxes.
Remember what a vote means. Today where we stand is at a cultural stand still. Yet, the country calls for change. Today we face the fearmongering of each candidate. Every Candidate promises something different to someone else.
Our current PM is stripping rights, freedoms, culture and tradition from each individual; subtly and systematically. How many people have noticed that their coworkers, friends and relatives are fighting their own battles with the current regime.
Stand back and think about what your vote means. Simply walking to the polls. picking up the paper. Circling, checking or X'ing the person you hope to win. Or rather preventing the person you wish will never win.
Today I have read that Conservatives, Liberals are at a deadlock at early polling stations. Remember. University students are in the thick of midterms, jobs and thoughts of achieving greatness. They will vote, they are not in the early polls.
As well as the fact that I'd bet dollars to donuts that 95% of the media outlets in Canada have an intentional/unintentional Pro PC agenda. After all, they know where their bread is buttered.
Unbeknownst to me I've thrown myself into the thick of what Canada is now. I get emails, about what jobs suit me. Jobs that I'm willing to admit feel beneath me. But to be honest, these are the jobs that are beneath the supposed "second class citizens" in Canada. Sadly, that is about the only job market their is. Every regime will promise jobs. Only a certain number of jobs can be created from the Government. They need to address the economic downturn and the struggles of the middle and lower class. Instead they pad their bottom line by bragging about the rich and the supposed trickle down effect.
I've applied for jobs, I've gotten more thank you's than the average Canadian would hear in a day. It is eye opening. It is frustrating and most of all it is the realistic direction we are heading for. I'm actually glad that as a minority I've had to experienced this.
In 10 days, vote. Vote with your heart knowing that you have contributed to society. Even if it is the only thing you have going on. (Lord knows it's the only thing I'll have going on)
Best Regards,
A voice among the voiceless.
Remember what a vote means. Today where we stand is at a cultural stand still. Yet, the country calls for change. Today we face the fearmongering of each candidate. Every Candidate promises something different to someone else.
Our current PM is stripping rights, freedoms, culture and tradition from each individual; subtly and systematically. How many people have noticed that their coworkers, friends and relatives are fighting their own battles with the current regime.
Stand back and think about what your vote means. Simply walking to the polls. picking up the paper. Circling, checking or X'ing the person you hope to win. Or rather preventing the person you wish will never win.
Today I have read that Conservatives, Liberals are at a deadlock at early polling stations. Remember. University students are in the thick of midterms, jobs and thoughts of achieving greatness. They will vote, they are not in the early polls.
As well as the fact that I'd bet dollars to donuts that 95% of the media outlets in Canada have an intentional/unintentional Pro PC agenda. After all, they know where their bread is buttered.
Unbeknownst to me I've thrown myself into the thick of what Canada is now. I get emails, about what jobs suit me. Jobs that I'm willing to admit feel beneath me. But to be honest, these are the jobs that are beneath the supposed "second class citizens" in Canada. Sadly, that is about the only job market their is. Every regime will promise jobs. Only a certain number of jobs can be created from the Government. They need to address the economic downturn and the struggles of the middle and lower class. Instead they pad their bottom line by bragging about the rich and the supposed trickle down effect.
I've applied for jobs, I've gotten more thank you's than the average Canadian would hear in a day. It is eye opening. It is frustrating and most of all it is the realistic direction we are heading for. I'm actually glad that as a minority I've had to experienced this.
In 10 days, vote. Vote with your heart knowing that you have contributed to society. Even if it is the only thing you have going on. (Lord knows it's the only thing I'll have going on)
Best Regards,
A voice among the voiceless.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
The politics that comes with politics
What are politics? To the average individual it is a bunch of well-off suits talking through their ass.
Congratulations you are right. Often with politics, none of the choices are right. None of the choices make sense. I listen to people support Harper, I listen to Mulcair. I listen to Trudeau. They all have platforms. Hollow, meaningless platforms.
In order to come a politician you need too....????
I'm not sure, swear an oath? Make money? Say Words?
We have a 3 branched govermentDoes that honestly mean anything to you?
The individual should care about bringing the country up together. Not bringing the part that benefits them the most up with them
Since Parliament was formed in 1867, we have this notion that we are a country free from control. We are controlled, militarily, monetarily. culturally. ETC
I am an aboriginal. Therefore my elders have lived in Canada for longer than most. Since 1867, Aboriginals have been beaten, raped, stripped, pillaged, robbed, killed, and faced cultural genocide. That still stands true today. Today, however; since we have been forced into inhabitable lands the government even wants that for resources. We have no piece to any pie. Voices carry and I am proud of the stance of my brothers.
Kanata is home for me. It is ruled with an almost oligarchical barbaric ruling style. Slowly we are stripped from free speech, actions, thoughts and reason.
How many of you know that we are not as multicultural as we seem. The recent meetings in parliament were to discuss the banning of the iconic Niqab. A niqab is a historical and cultural icon to the Muslim culture.
Along those same lines, the Government is nicely controlling how the citizenship works. Easier for Europeans and near impossible for people from the Caribbean. Canada is slowly starting to move to a privatized health care. Pharmaceutical companies are robbing people in Canada with asinine prices. Because it pads the Governments bottom line.
What it means to be Canadian is we watch hockey, drink coffee, bitch about the cold and completely ignore the people who have ruled for decades.
The election is October 19th. Make sure you go and vote. Make sure you get yourself informed. Whether you vote for Conservatives, Liberals, Bloc, NDP or Green Party. Go out and vote. Your vote is your voice. Your voice is your vote.
Let's make Canada better. Let's be proud to be Canadian.
Congratulations you are right. Often with politics, none of the choices are right. None of the choices make sense. I listen to people support Harper, I listen to Mulcair. I listen to Trudeau. They all have platforms. Hollow, meaningless platforms.
In order to come a politician you need too....????
I'm not sure, swear an oath? Make money? Say Words?
We have a 3 branched govermentDoes that honestly mean anything to you?
The individual should care about bringing the country up together. Not bringing the part that benefits them the most up with them
Since Parliament was formed in 1867, we have this notion that we are a country free from control. We are controlled, militarily, monetarily. culturally. ETC
I am an aboriginal. Therefore my elders have lived in Canada for longer than most. Since 1867, Aboriginals have been beaten, raped, stripped, pillaged, robbed, killed, and faced cultural genocide. That still stands true today. Today, however; since we have been forced into inhabitable lands the government even wants that for resources. We have no piece to any pie. Voices carry and I am proud of the stance of my brothers.
Kanata is home for me. It is ruled with an almost oligarchical barbaric ruling style. Slowly we are stripped from free speech, actions, thoughts and reason.
How many of you know that we are not as multicultural as we seem. The recent meetings in parliament were to discuss the banning of the iconic Niqab. A niqab is a historical and cultural icon to the Muslim culture.
Along those same lines, the Government is nicely controlling how the citizenship works. Easier for Europeans and near impossible for people from the Caribbean. Canada is slowly starting to move to a privatized health care. Pharmaceutical companies are robbing people in Canada with asinine prices. Because it pads the Governments bottom line.
What it means to be Canadian is we watch hockey, drink coffee, bitch about the cold and completely ignore the people who have ruled for decades.
The election is October 19th. Make sure you go and vote. Make sure you get yourself informed. Whether you vote for Conservatives, Liberals, Bloc, NDP or Green Party. Go out and vote. Your vote is your voice. Your voice is your vote.
Let's make Canada better. Let's be proud to be Canadian.
Awoken to numbness.
Numbness, in my opinion is the worst emotion you can feel. It carries from all other emotions. Controls your actions, or inaction. Controls your care or carelessness. This is life. Everyday becomes its own adventure. None of them particularly fun, logical or even necessary.
Today I awoke to the news that bombs have went off killing doctors trying to help civillians in a war torn country.
Yesterday afternoon I could not turn on the television without hearing about a kid succumbing to his own mental illness and unfortunately taking others with them
Today I woke up to a priest coming out as homosexual. Finally some positive news... Nope, he was fired.
A world wrought with politics. A world wrought with hate. A world wrought with frustration.
Who is to blame? Government? communities? parents? schools? media? interpersonal relationships?
I'm not one to pinpoint. I am here to point out that us as a society is numb to 9 kids being killed with their whole lives ahead of them. Numb to the idea that across the Atlantic there are entire communities wiped from existence in genocidal practices.
We are numb to refugees afraid for their lives and how it will EFFECT OUR LIVES, never theirs.
We are numb to the gun debate.
Numb to our own lives.
Happiness is a veiled emotion. I would argue true happiness does not happen until the moment before you die. Or at least it would be the happiest I would think a person could feel.
It is concerning to me that gun control is not at the forefront.
It is concerning that we are in a recession with not much to look forward too.
It bothers me that within Canada there is currently a cultural genocide going on (for the last how many centuries) and no one cares.
Is it that voices are not heard? Is it that we are all truly apathetic.
We are all just waiting for our own numbers to be called.
We are all just waiting for things to change without doing anything.
Silence is a gold polished turd.
Society is numb
Those in power are numb
Those in poverty are numb
You are numb
I am numb.
Best Regards,
Devon
Today I awoke to the news that bombs have went off killing doctors trying to help civillians in a war torn country.
Yesterday afternoon I could not turn on the television without hearing about a kid succumbing to his own mental illness and unfortunately taking others with them
Today I woke up to a priest coming out as homosexual. Finally some positive news... Nope, he was fired.
A world wrought with politics. A world wrought with hate. A world wrought with frustration.
Who is to blame? Government? communities? parents? schools? media? interpersonal relationships?
I'm not one to pinpoint. I am here to point out that us as a society is numb to 9 kids being killed with their whole lives ahead of them. Numb to the idea that across the Atlantic there are entire communities wiped from existence in genocidal practices.
We are numb to refugees afraid for their lives and how it will EFFECT OUR LIVES, never theirs.
We are numb to the gun debate.
Numb to our own lives.
Happiness is a veiled emotion. I would argue true happiness does not happen until the moment before you die. Or at least it would be the happiest I would think a person could feel.
It is concerning to me that gun control is not at the forefront.
It is concerning that we are in a recession with not much to look forward too.
It bothers me that within Canada there is currently a cultural genocide going on (for the last how many centuries) and no one cares.
Is it that voices are not heard? Is it that we are all truly apathetic.
We are all just waiting for our own numbers to be called.
We are all just waiting for things to change without doing anything.
Silence is a gold polished turd.
Society is numb
Those in power are numb
Those in poverty are numb
You are numb
I am numb.
Best Regards,
Devon
Monday, August 31, 2015
A week of hell and introspection
It's been an ugly week. Coming down off painkillers rationing anti anxiety meds like they are... Rations.
It's not been something I would suggest to anyone. Today, I hit my breaking point. A sharp shooting pain in my lower right side, that felt like i was getting stabbed repeatedly.
The idea of withdrawal is you will feel better, but first. Your body will feel like your brain is just ushering pain signals like a creepy dude at an adult theatre.
It is not anything against coming down off of them. Lower doses, or none at all have made me realize two things.
1) I need them.
2) I do not need that many.
I had become accustomed to the idea that I can wake up and take some painkillers and not think. IF I can still think I can take some anti-anxiety meds. And eventually. I might get some sleep.
I am not healthy, my joints ache. My muscles are tense, spastic, and sore. I am deteriorating at an alarming rate.
However; with medication, I have come to the realization that it doesn't help if I spam it.
That's with painkillers.
Unfortunately the past 3 years have been a sturdy test. The past 3 years have been unforgiving for me. In return I've masked it all. I am fine with that. It doesn't mean I deal with it at that second. I try to deal with it over time.
I'm more sore, more scared and more lost since upping my anti-depressant. Which is fucking terrifying. I'm scared to sleep. I want a come down. I want to calm down.
Here's the downfall with anti depressants. You run out.
___________________________________
Introspection time.
In the last blogpost I had written about the idea of having kids.
One day, that might change. Marriage has been fun. But, ultimately there is some sort of invisible clause that comes with it.
Sure, would I like a band of young asshole Devon's. Yes, fiscally, physically, emotionally and rationally I am unsure if I can handle it.
It's not been something I would suggest to anyone. Today, I hit my breaking point. A sharp shooting pain in my lower right side, that felt like i was getting stabbed repeatedly.
The idea of withdrawal is you will feel better, but first. Your body will feel like your brain is just ushering pain signals like a creepy dude at an adult theatre.
It is not anything against coming down off of them. Lower doses, or none at all have made me realize two things.
1) I need them.
2) I do not need that many.
I had become accustomed to the idea that I can wake up and take some painkillers and not think. IF I can still think I can take some anti-anxiety meds. And eventually. I might get some sleep.
I am not healthy, my joints ache. My muscles are tense, spastic, and sore. I am deteriorating at an alarming rate.
However; with medication, I have come to the realization that it doesn't help if I spam it.
That's with painkillers.
Unfortunately the past 3 years have been a sturdy test. The past 3 years have been unforgiving for me. In return I've masked it all. I am fine with that. It doesn't mean I deal with it at that second. I try to deal with it over time.
I'm more sore, more scared and more lost since upping my anti-depressant. Which is fucking terrifying. I'm scared to sleep. I want a come down. I want to calm down.
Here's the downfall with anti depressants. You run out.
___________________________________
Introspection time.
In the last blogpost I had written about the idea of having kids.
One day, that might change. Marriage has been fun. But, ultimately there is some sort of invisible clause that comes with it.
Sure, would I like a band of young asshole Devon's. Yes, fiscally, physically, emotionally and rationally I am unsure if I can handle it.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Heat, and my love for winter
I hate summer.
It is hot, sweaty, stickier than a cinnabon. It is full of bugs, pollen, and sun. I'm all for the vitamin D. It helps me feel less depressed. Which is fine, but the heat balances that feeling out. sweating while sitting down. Baseball on TV everyday is great. But as soon as you hit august, you pretty much wanna die. Constant days of feeling your balls slide around with sweat pools glistening from underneath you.
C'est La Vie.
My reasons for liking winter are 3 fold
1) Hockey. Oilers fans optimism being crushed by remembrance day. Leafs fans want every player traded, and the Hawks find ways to win with 4 players.
2) You can put on layers to keep warm. Rather than removing everything but a tiny loin cloth, you can just put on 16 parkas and 23 pairs of long underwear. Oh, Canada.
3) No fucking bugs. I like spiders. But, being allergic to wasps and not having an epipen on me, I constantly live on the edge. It makes me some semblance of amazed that my life will probably end as a result of an asshole wasp. But in winter, those wasps are punks. They are scared of a little cold.
Getcha some wasps.
I'm Canadian. I've lived 70% in winter. It is comfortable. It is normal.
This heatwave has me feeling like Joan River's face next to a furnace.
Alas, I will sweat my face off, and become a human slip n slide.
I'll leave you with this thought. Everyday we have a hot day. Devon is sweating somewhere. Swearing belligerently like an old blind man trying to find his shoes.
Best sweaty regards,
Devon
It is hot, sweaty, stickier than a cinnabon. It is full of bugs, pollen, and sun. I'm all for the vitamin D. It helps me feel less depressed. Which is fine, but the heat balances that feeling out. sweating while sitting down. Baseball on TV everyday is great. But as soon as you hit august, you pretty much wanna die. Constant days of feeling your balls slide around with sweat pools glistening from underneath you.
C'est La Vie.
My reasons for liking winter are 3 fold
1) Hockey. Oilers fans optimism being crushed by remembrance day. Leafs fans want every player traded, and the Hawks find ways to win with 4 players.
2) You can put on layers to keep warm. Rather than removing everything but a tiny loin cloth, you can just put on 16 parkas and 23 pairs of long underwear. Oh, Canada.
3) No fucking bugs. I like spiders. But, being allergic to wasps and not having an epipen on me, I constantly live on the edge. It makes me some semblance of amazed that my life will probably end as a result of an asshole wasp. But in winter, those wasps are punks. They are scared of a little cold.
Getcha some wasps.
I'm Canadian. I've lived 70% in winter. It is comfortable. It is normal.
This heatwave has me feeling like Joan River's face next to a furnace.
Alas, I will sweat my face off, and become a human slip n slide.
I'll leave you with this thought. Everyday we have a hot day. Devon is sweating somewhere. Swearing belligerently like an old blind man trying to find his shoes.
Best sweaty regards,
Devon
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
"A Manly Man" and other shortcomings.
I'm never going to be a manly man. I'll fix things. I can make things. Cannot grow a beard.
As an introspective person, I've looked at my life pretty objectively. The most I can do is change a tire and work a lathe.
It goes much deeper than that. I am a thinker, I am (somewhat) intelligent. I favor those over being a gritty, gravelly bro.
The more I have thought about this, the more depressed I have become.
I have not accomplished even the most menial of tasks. I struggle with who I am. There will never be a time that I will not. I want to be so much better. I'm at fault.
I waste away playing video games and watching sports. Waiting for something to fall in my lap.
That's how I have chosen to live the last year of my life. I blame myself for that. I am not perfect. I want to be. I'm not nice, I want to be.
I want so much more out of myself. I'll never get that.
Fear of rejection, judgment and failure is magnified in my eyes. Fear of being someone else.
Maybe I would be more manly. Build a god damn boat or something. Space ship. Build a robot panda.
I will not be that man until I change my mindframe.
Comfortable is bad. Comfortable does not produce change. Comfortable does not produce robotic pandas. Comfortable produces crippling anxiety and depression.
I want a robotic panda.
Best regards,
Devon
As an introspective person, I've looked at my life pretty objectively. The most I can do is change a tire and work a lathe.
It goes much deeper than that. I am a thinker, I am (somewhat) intelligent. I favor those over being a gritty, gravelly bro.
The more I have thought about this, the more depressed I have become.
I have not accomplished even the most menial of tasks. I struggle with who I am. There will never be a time that I will not. I want to be so much better. I'm at fault.
I waste away playing video games and watching sports. Waiting for something to fall in my lap.
That's how I have chosen to live the last year of my life. I blame myself for that. I am not perfect. I want to be. I'm not nice, I want to be.
I want so much more out of myself. I'll never get that.
Fear of rejection, judgment and failure is magnified in my eyes. Fear of being someone else.
Maybe I would be more manly. Build a god damn boat or something. Space ship. Build a robot panda.
I will not be that man until I change my mindframe.
Comfortable is bad. Comfortable does not produce change. Comfortable does not produce robotic pandas. Comfortable produces crippling anxiety and depression.
I want a robotic panda.
Best regards,
Devon
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Filling up and going on empty
Hi, I'm depressed.
I do not need to prove it, I do not need to yell it. I feel it differently from the next person. As of recently there is a large push from an uneducated side of the population that is trying to dramatically reduce the number of depression sufferers. By lying, they can state that a person who is just having a bad day or a bad week is having just that... A bad day or a bad week.
Granted, those days will make you feel depressed, worthless and beat down.
You are not alone. That is what depression feels like. Whether it is sporadic or constant, it doesn't matter. Depression is real. Depression is dangerous.
I medicate to sleep. I medicate to work, I medicate to survive. I am 23 years old. I am tired. I am beat.
I may never find resolution or an end to it.
As of recently, I am hiding it more and more. I'm disconnected. isolated and rejecting. My reasons are two fold:
I have broad shoulders, I am carrying all I can and then some
I am the armor. I cannot crack. I cannot show.
It is becoming taxing on me, my body and my mind.
A hiatus from life results in me working a mundane job. Slowly watching wasted talent fall through the ground. That is a harsh realization that life has brought upon me.
I am unaware of how to show it, how to say it. I struggle just to be it.
I'm in a limbo. I'm depressed. I'm proud I am making my way through until my surgery. I'm sad that I cannot share this information with the ones I love. I'm lost within myself and who I am.
I don't have to carry everything. I do it because I have never had a father figure who would do the same. I am trying to be my own man, making mistakes and stubbornly ignoring the lessons that result.
I'm mending towards being happy.
There is more of a battle for me ahead than I can ever tell you. Or, that you will ever be able to know.
For those who carry the weight of those around you, I salute you.
For those who are depressed and talk to their loved ones. I salute you.
For those who love and understand depression. I salute you.
Much love and respect.
Best Regards,
Devon
I do not need to prove it, I do not need to yell it. I feel it differently from the next person. As of recently there is a large push from an uneducated side of the population that is trying to dramatically reduce the number of depression sufferers. By lying, they can state that a person who is just having a bad day or a bad week is having just that... A bad day or a bad week.
Granted, those days will make you feel depressed, worthless and beat down.
You are not alone. That is what depression feels like. Whether it is sporadic or constant, it doesn't matter. Depression is real. Depression is dangerous.
I medicate to sleep. I medicate to work, I medicate to survive. I am 23 years old. I am tired. I am beat.
I may never find resolution or an end to it.
As of recently, I am hiding it more and more. I'm disconnected. isolated and rejecting. My reasons are two fold:
I have broad shoulders, I am carrying all I can and then some
I am the armor. I cannot crack. I cannot show.
It is becoming taxing on me, my body and my mind.
A hiatus from life results in me working a mundane job. Slowly watching wasted talent fall through the ground. That is a harsh realization that life has brought upon me.
I am unaware of how to show it, how to say it. I struggle just to be it.
I'm in a limbo. I'm depressed. I'm proud I am making my way through until my surgery. I'm sad that I cannot share this information with the ones I love. I'm lost within myself and who I am.
I don't have to carry everything. I do it because I have never had a father figure who would do the same. I am trying to be my own man, making mistakes and stubbornly ignoring the lessons that result.
I'm mending towards being happy.
There is more of a battle for me ahead than I can ever tell you. Or, that you will ever be able to know.
For those who carry the weight of those around you, I salute you.
For those who are depressed and talk to their loved ones. I salute you.
For those who love and understand depression. I salute you.
Much love and respect.
Best Regards,
Devon
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
My longwithstanding issues with being a son
I am a son, a brother, a cousin, an uncle and a friend.
I am a son to my Mother. For all intensive purposes, my uncle raised me for what I am today.
At the turn of April 20th of 2013, I had a stepfather I was calling dad, and a grandfather who I was planning to be close to. Learn from and play crib with.
2 weeks later I lost the rock of our family. My grandfather passed.
5 months later I lost my stepfather because he pursued selfish endeavors
For the next year, I wore the face of a man who lost nothing, who was becoming his own man.
I was not that. I will probably never show my cards to you. I only write about my cards; metaphorically.
I was dealt a shit hand in terms of having a father early. I never knew my biological father. It didn't effect me to not know who he was.
Losing my stepfather in the manner I did crushed me. Crushed me then. Crushed me for a year and as of recently it is crushing me repeatedly like a garbage compactor. My brain is missing that piece. My stepfather did not do much. What he did do, is provide stability. He was not smart, he was not proactive. He did what he needed to do to make us stable.
It is something that I have not experienced since he up and vanished. Nothing ever really feels stable. Money may never be stable for me and my family.
I want it to be. I don't want to admit that him leaving has effected the person I am today.
...
It has, I am a ball of anxiety waiting for the teeter totter to push back to the other side. Somedays the other side is weightless and nothing happens. Other times I may never come down because the weight is on the other side. It is the fear of the latter that cripples me.
No stability.
I should not complain, we fought our way through him leaving, became a cohesive household. I just was not ready to be thrust into the man of the house role and go to school.
I do have longstanding father issues. Or rather just an issue with the thought that all the male role models in my life are lost, or forgotten.
...
There will never be a day where I forgive those trespasses of my father or Dave.
Simply, pulling the sheet out from under an entire household is one of the most painful things you can do.
I have unresolved issues, I don't want to talk to a therapist or even a person. Rather broadcast it on the internet.
Because you cannot see the pain. You cannot see the face of a man so worn by the lack of stability in his life.
"We call them cool, the heart that have no scars to show. The ones that never do let go and risk the tables being turned" Garth Brooks.
Best Regards,
Devon
I am a son to my Mother. For all intensive purposes, my uncle raised me for what I am today.
At the turn of April 20th of 2013, I had a stepfather I was calling dad, and a grandfather who I was planning to be close to. Learn from and play crib with.
2 weeks later I lost the rock of our family. My grandfather passed.
5 months later I lost my stepfather because he pursued selfish endeavors
For the next year, I wore the face of a man who lost nothing, who was becoming his own man.
I was not that. I will probably never show my cards to you. I only write about my cards; metaphorically.
I was dealt a shit hand in terms of having a father early. I never knew my biological father. It didn't effect me to not know who he was.
Losing my stepfather in the manner I did crushed me. Crushed me then. Crushed me for a year and as of recently it is crushing me repeatedly like a garbage compactor. My brain is missing that piece. My stepfather did not do much. What he did do, is provide stability. He was not smart, he was not proactive. He did what he needed to do to make us stable.
It is something that I have not experienced since he up and vanished. Nothing ever really feels stable. Money may never be stable for me and my family.
I want it to be. I don't want to admit that him leaving has effected the person I am today.
...
It has, I am a ball of anxiety waiting for the teeter totter to push back to the other side. Somedays the other side is weightless and nothing happens. Other times I may never come down because the weight is on the other side. It is the fear of the latter that cripples me.
No stability.
I should not complain, we fought our way through him leaving, became a cohesive household. I just was not ready to be thrust into the man of the house role and go to school.
I do have longstanding father issues. Or rather just an issue with the thought that all the male role models in my life are lost, or forgotten.
...
There will never be a day where I forgive those trespasses of my father or Dave.
Simply, pulling the sheet out from under an entire household is one of the most painful things you can do.
I have unresolved issues, I don't want to talk to a therapist or even a person. Rather broadcast it on the internet.
Because you cannot see the pain. You cannot see the face of a man so worn by the lack of stability in his life.
"We call them cool, the heart that have no scars to show. The ones that never do let go and risk the tables being turned" Garth Brooks.
Best Regards,
Devon
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Homophobia? Why? What? Where? When? Who Cares?
Hello old friends. I'm back in the saddle again. Taking a break from the darkness and demons to address something that plagues much of society today. Homophobia.
No homo,
That's gay,
You're a fag.
The extreme disconnect on societies social commentary is summed up in those 3 words. Even if a person is not homophobic they have/have in the past addressed something as homosexual.
Along the same lines as "That's stupid". However, I don't understand the necessity.
In the media you will notice a distinct clash. Sitcoms, newspapers and newscast that will use homophobic language for eyegrabbing headlines, easy jokes or to get you upset about something to create more traffic. On the other side of it are modest human beings who write blogs, essays and sometimes a thesis paper about the blatant and unfriendly use of homophobic language in the media.
Of most note, and what I have noticed more than anything else. The scene on Community where Ken Jeong's Character "Senor Chang" shouts out: "Hah, Gay". This has taken on many forms, many memes and is used and abused over and over again. When an athlete comes out, Twitter lights aflame with homophobic and the image of Ken Jeong.
Sadly, Ken Jeong is known for being a naked Korean guy who beats Bradley Cooper with a tire iron... And that image of him yelling "Gay"
To truly understand the rampant homophobia in the world, you need to grow up. I don't mean in some metaphorical sense. But, through middle school, Homophobic slurs are used as nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs. My time in Jr. High was marred with a bunch of nerds who used these terms. Many of them become trolls. I was told at an early age. Act your age. If I used something stupidly immature. All it took was someone to say "How Old Are You?" Honestly, This is the best way to approach those people who take sincere offense with a man and a man, woman and woman, trans and trans or any variation where two members of the same sex are coupled.
Saying, "how old are you" is probably one of the hardest hitting phrases you can say to someone acting stupid. That's not to say it will correct homophobia. I'm not saying it will eliminate the slurs. The terms have become so dated that it is actually jarring for me to hear them at this point in my life.
When I was about 15, I made a conscious thought of "Who cares".
The first time you hear of same sex coupling is kind of shocking. That's how we are programmed as children. From the time we are born we learn to distinguish ourselves through colours, toys and clothes. So, as we get older we accept that we like the opposite sex. It becomes more difficult for those who were raised with those gender roles to accept anything other than that.
It is a multi-leveled system failure. Education is one of my biggest gripes with it. There is no punishment for spewing hate. There is no punishment for death threats. We've become so numb to the catastrophe that our education system presents that we do not bat an eye. You are never taught in any classes that "Same Sex Marriage" is normal. In fact, through health, CALM and other biology courses you are taught there is one way. That's it.
It becomes more engrained and more reinforced through media. Books, Movies and TV Shows where a person comes out as a homosexual and is either avoided or is made fun of. They are made to feel as if they are different because of sexual orientation.
The wrap up my thoughts. Homophobia will most likely always exist at an educational level. Because stubborn, arrogant and naive parents will not let their kids learn that same sex marriage is okay. Because of this, the language will be used into adolescence and adulthood. Furthering the abilities of TV Shows and Movies to use homophobic language.
So, to those who may be a closeted homophobic who will read this post. I ask "How old are you"
Regards,
Devon
No homo,
That's gay,
You're a fag.
The extreme disconnect on societies social commentary is summed up in those 3 words. Even if a person is not homophobic they have/have in the past addressed something as homosexual.
Along the same lines as "That's stupid". However, I don't understand the necessity.
In the media you will notice a distinct clash. Sitcoms, newspapers and newscast that will use homophobic language for eyegrabbing headlines, easy jokes or to get you upset about something to create more traffic. On the other side of it are modest human beings who write blogs, essays and sometimes a thesis paper about the blatant and unfriendly use of homophobic language in the media.
Of most note, and what I have noticed more than anything else. The scene on Community where Ken Jeong's Character "Senor Chang" shouts out: "Hah, Gay". This has taken on many forms, many memes and is used and abused over and over again. When an athlete comes out, Twitter lights aflame with homophobic and the image of Ken Jeong.
Sadly, Ken Jeong is known for being a naked Korean guy who beats Bradley Cooper with a tire iron... And that image of him yelling "Gay"
To truly understand the rampant homophobia in the world, you need to grow up. I don't mean in some metaphorical sense. But, through middle school, Homophobic slurs are used as nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs. My time in Jr. High was marred with a bunch of nerds who used these terms. Many of them become trolls. I was told at an early age. Act your age. If I used something stupidly immature. All it took was someone to say "How Old Are You?" Honestly, This is the best way to approach those people who take sincere offense with a man and a man, woman and woman, trans and trans or any variation where two members of the same sex are coupled.
Saying, "how old are you" is probably one of the hardest hitting phrases you can say to someone acting stupid. That's not to say it will correct homophobia. I'm not saying it will eliminate the slurs. The terms have become so dated that it is actually jarring for me to hear them at this point in my life.
When I was about 15, I made a conscious thought of "Who cares".
The first time you hear of same sex coupling is kind of shocking. That's how we are programmed as children. From the time we are born we learn to distinguish ourselves through colours, toys and clothes. So, as we get older we accept that we like the opposite sex. It becomes more difficult for those who were raised with those gender roles to accept anything other than that.
It is a multi-leveled system failure. Education is one of my biggest gripes with it. There is no punishment for spewing hate. There is no punishment for death threats. We've become so numb to the catastrophe that our education system presents that we do not bat an eye. You are never taught in any classes that "Same Sex Marriage" is normal. In fact, through health, CALM and other biology courses you are taught there is one way. That's it.
It becomes more engrained and more reinforced through media. Books, Movies and TV Shows where a person comes out as a homosexual and is either avoided or is made fun of. They are made to feel as if they are different because of sexual orientation.
The wrap up my thoughts. Homophobia will most likely always exist at an educational level. Because stubborn, arrogant and naive parents will not let their kids learn that same sex marriage is okay. Because of this, the language will be used into adolescence and adulthood. Furthering the abilities of TV Shows and Movies to use homophobic language.
So, to those who may be a closeted homophobic who will read this post. I ask "How old are you"
Regards,
Devon
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