Most Days

 I thought as I got older I would learn to appreciate the idea of the unknown. Whether at a conversational level or at an ethereal level. I've become infatuated with this notion that it gets easier to deal with the longer I fight through life. I am finding I am more apathetic to what the unknown is. But, never understanding why people enjoy the "unknown". Every moment of speech in my life is usually followed by 4 or 5 thought chains of what the consequence of that conversation might be. I am truly shackled to my brain and he can be an asshole. I am conscious of nothing in life can truly be planned for you. Everyday is a sequence of events, where you are, who you are with and what you are doing. 

I can appreciate a sunset

I can appreciate a heartfelt conversation

I can appreciate my own reflection

I can appreciate an awkward silence

... most days. 

I am frustrated that the questions I have posed to the older people who have lived life with anxiety and depression never yields the answer I want. It kinda seems like you life with your anxiety and depression but it never goes away. You just fill life with vices, conversation, laughter so you don't have to deal with your own crippling depression. I understand there will never be a cure all, and now that science is catching up with mental health; I hope that gets better.

On the other side of the coin, unknown is what leads to the most important things in your life. People you meet, people you laugh with, people who care. It can lead to those moments where you stop in your tracks and think, "maybe everything does happen for a reason". Though, in your head you know that that's really a placebic reaction that makes the bad consequences easier to deal with. It beats thinking that some deity just really has it in for you

If not for the people close to me I'm not sure I could fight through everyday. Getting scared of how each interaction is becoming a little commonplace. Which, is fine as an introvert. But... There is a fine line. I'm getting better at recognizing when I am slipping. I think that is what the people who have talked to me about anxiety and depression is easier to deal with; is that the notion that you get better at recognizing when the fear of the unknown puts you into a hole with your demons. It's better to not jump in the hole than to jump in to give your demons the satisfaction.

Adulthood with depression is so much harder than I thought it would be. As a kid, depression is really just an overwhelming sadness when you do not know why you are sad. Depression in adulthood is replaying those sad memories and try to find some attachment and rationalize them, for better or worse. Every memory of yelling, and pain, and frustration, and tears have a place. It is to make you appreciate the feeling of a positive memory. For me, positive memories are behind a wall of bad memories. Aging is just chipping away at the wall so you can see the light of the good memories.

I can appreciate my depression

I can appreciate why not everyday is going to be great

I can appreciate my own insecurities

I can appreciate why death exists

... Most Days.

Regards,

Devon

Adulthood

 The past 5 years have been a rather interesting journey. 

Through the first 15 years of my life I would say I grew up faster than anyone else my age. I noticed things, I had to grow up quickly because of the constant medical procedures and appointments. From 15-23 I would say there was very little growth as a human being. I never made a complete realization of what transitioning into adulthood looked like. Constantly shielded by my mother to how an adult should act and behave. It created a toxic feeling of needing my mother instead of allowing me to grow. 

over the past 5 years I would say I have learned a lot and tried to grow into the man that is honest, hardworking, selfless and empathetic. I have learned what makes my depression does to me. I have learned that I am not defined by my anxiety and depression and it is okay to tell people that I ain't feeling it sometimes. I have learned to process my emotions and thoughts on a deeper scale. Learned what makes my psychology kick. I fell in love with myself, for the first time in my life. I learned to love the body I am. Learned that maybe I didn't need as many surgeries as I had after the age of 15. I learned to take care of myself because the constant apathetic attitude of "oh well, I will die eventually" isn't the way to live life. I learned the dichotomy of good vs evil in the world is truly beautiful. I have learned to not ingest every little bit of news as it is not healthy for me. 

I have discovered that my wife is truly my rock. She shows me the world. She drags me out to see the world because there is beauty in every corner. 

Heading into 29 next week is kind of terrifying and sobering. I am on the cusp of 30 and what I would consider the next part of life. I'm not sure what my health looks like over the next decade. 

I hope I continue to grow to love myself. I hope I can tell me wife everyday that I love her. I hope that my friends realize that I am not a dick for not texting to check up. I am constantly working on me, constantly working on my introversion and constantly working to be empathetic and selfless. I am not good at small talk, I'm not good at carrying a conversation. I am not perfect, but I am working towards what I think is perfect for me. I do not want to lose friends. I do not want to lose the people who help shape my identity everyday. I am sorry I am not a great friend in the times of a pandemic, I do not know how to navigate my anxiety when it comes to these. Growing up a person who had my anxiety played with to be afraid of somethings makes me a little paranoid of things. Of saying the wrong things, of upsetting people with trivial things. I may not have the life experience of most people my age but I am humble. Know that I over-analyze every interaction I have. I over-analyze what my hands are. I still think of the shitty things I said to my family, my friends, and most heartbreaking; I remember all the shit I put my wife through. Being an angry, suicidal, opiate addicted young adult ruined some relationships I would've rather kept. Being constantly told I don't need anyone but my mother put me in a arrogant, self-serving mindset. I remember every thing I broke, everything I said. I remember every spiteful action I made just to get a piece of someone weighs on me. I taunt myself with these thoughts.

I wish I knew now what those actions were going to do. That at the age of 28 and 356 days (or however it works out). I would be terrified of asking a question because I am haunted by past memories of my asshole self. That it would cause me to be introspective to the point that I am scared to be confident. 

I am growing everyday. I am truly devastated by myself. I am hoping I keep true to myself and not just use this post as a way to clear my guilty conscience. I want to be a guide, a leader and most importantly, a friend.

I love y'all

Regards,

Devon Hunt