Saturday, November 30, 2013

Relax to the future

Dude, the rug really tied the room together.

Relax...
Relax...
relax....
re...
Panic sets in

*wakes up groggy* tries to go to the bathroom. Can't. Stumbles back to room. Crashing against each walls like a tidal wave along a bank.

I hit my head against the door frame, take 2 steps. See an entertainment center. Collapse. I don't know if I hit my head again. I don't know if I am alive at this point. Fiancee and mother try to dress me as quick as possible, asking me basic questions.

Drifting in and out of consciousness like a drunk at last call, unable to form the thoughts necessary. I am at a brick wall. Can't answer, all I see is light. Family I haven't seen for 8 months flash before my eyes. For about a century in my mind I saw my grandfather. It was beautiful.

I recall coming back to, seeing the light in my mind while drifting out of coherency is something I did not feel comfortable with.

"I'm scared, I don't want to die!" I almost chant, twice. Or at least in my head twice. I hear ambulance being said. I snapped back, into conscious mind. Felt like I had an overdose and was given an inhibitor.

I get up, go to the kitchen drink some powerade. Never knowing what happened.

Get in the car, go to the hospital. Shrug it off, make my fiancee laugh. Talk to my uncle.

Unable to explain what happened, the nurses and doctors really did not do all they could. I was let out 6 hours later with tracing in my vision. A sore neck and shock of what has happened.

This is day 2. All I realize is I must learn to relax. I don't know how. I've never known how. I've been a nervous wreck since post secondary school. 3 years of constant stress and anxiety, waking up afraid and embarrassed that I don't want to go to school because of the severe anxiety that's produced from being in school.

I'm still scared, I'm shaken. I go to the emergency room to get diagnosed, not turned away like a salad next to a burger.

I sustained what I figure is a concussion, because I had to diagnose myself.

I'm realizing how little school will mean if I do not live to see the end of the fruits of my labour.

I am scared of everything now. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be scared. I want to relax. I'll never relax, I'm always going to be on edge. As long as I am in school.

Here is to what post secondary can do to the human body and mind. What love can do to the human body and mind. To valuing life a little more than I did before it happened.

What I saw that morning was peaceful, but I'm not done living.

Best Regards,
Devon

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