10 years

I don't have a picture of myself at age 17. That's probably a lie, but like fuck I'm going to try to unearth it.

If you had told me when I was 17 that I would still be here. I would call you a liar. The thoughts I had at 17 were depressing and self-deprecating. Unfortunately, that has not changed in 10 years.

If you had told me I would meet the love of my life, marry her and tell me that she would still put up with me after 9 years.

If you would have told me my thoughts on climate change would skew so far into the other direction... Well I would fucking hope so with the amount of information out there.

If you had told me that I would plan my life being over at 22, and live to 27 I would honestly have been a little disappointed.

If you would have told me that I would hold a job for graduate high school, go to university and hold a steady job for 6 years I would have been ecstatic.

If you would have told me I have made some of the raddest friends who live everywhere around the world that would have surprised me.

If you would have told me that 10 years on I would become on of the most selfless persons I know. I would be shocked.

If you told me I would stop trying to ruin people's day with trolling and vicious verbal attacks I would have probably lashed out at you.

If you would have told me that my depression is dealt with for the most part, it is still crippling and makes me afraid of the world I would have probably died when I had planned too.

If you would have told me that nearly my entire family including my brothers, mother and grandmother could give two shits about what happens to me, I would be heartbroken. That my family has outcasted and shunned me, I would have probably have wept. However, that is the harsh reality of growing up angry, bitter and depressed.

If you would have told me that I would be searching for a job for 4 months without a call back at the age of 27, I'd be a little disappointed in myself.

Trying to rebuild a person who was broken, angry and afraid over 10 years has been a frustrating endeavor. I always wonder if I have changed for the better.
Wonder if I made the right choice by living.
If life will be different in another 10 years. If I will still be pain, mentally and physically.
If I will still be outcast from my family.
If I am a better person. If I have a job I'm comfortable in.
If I am still married to the love of my life, or will she grow tired of me. Because, I've grown tired of myself.
If I will stop being as grating and aggressive.
If I would become the person I thought I could be when I was 7. If I could've changed the situation for the people who have passed. That I would hope I still stick up for the little guys. If the world would seem a little more stable and cohesive. If I would finally be happy in life.
In 10 years I hope I am still here, for better or worse.