New Territory

Maybe I thought this would be easier. Maybe I thought that what I had done in my life would make sense.

At the age of 27, when you realize you have no redeeming prospects, kinda leaves you lost. I have battled, I have jockey'd for position. I have been lazy, I have watched life slip through my hands. Talking about myself has never been easy. Despite what you may think. If I were to talk about myself all the time it would be Eeyore mixed with Squidward. I have become a lot more self-reflective. I use humour as a way to distract from the true pit of despair I feel most days. I can flip any conversation about myself with a dumb joke or self-deprecating humour. Unfortunately, most of the time I am self-deprecating, I am actually expressing my feelings.

"I do nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing" Is a general theme that runs through my head. I had multiple conversations with people of some stature. When the topic of what I do came up, how do I tell them that I play video games for 12  hours and have panic attacks and manic moments where I think I am nothing, where I have gotten so good with faking my emotions. That the crushing anxiety I have I can hide it so well. There is no social cue to discuss this. "I got laid off. I applied for jobs, I sit on a broken couch and wonder if 16 year old me would be proud" Cause 27 year old me is not proud. for the past 2 years, life has put me through more than what I would've thought imaginable. I was sure I was an adult before. I am an adult now.

I am trying not to be eaten alive. My demons did not get the memo. How do I tell them that I am controlled by my anxiety and depression. The social construct of meeting new people is "Hi, how are you. What do you do for a living". It is all I can do to not say "I am 27, Unemployed, and feel like life hates me" or "I really wish I was someone else, because I am struggling"  That's not a way to lighten up a party.

I am figuring it out, step by step. My wife will support me every step of the way. I just cannot shake the feeling that I am disappointing her, because everyone around us seems more stable (up front anyways). I feel like I disappoint most people I come across. That may not be the truth, but my mind will keep rattling me.

I hope I can come back to this in a year and be happy, or at least...less disappointed in myself.

Regards,

Devon