Monday, August 31, 2015

A week of hell and introspection

It's been an ugly week. Coming down off painkillers rationing anti anxiety meds like they are... Rations.

It's not been something I would suggest to anyone. Today,  I hit my breaking point. A sharp shooting pain in  my lower right side, that felt like i was getting stabbed repeatedly.

The idea of withdrawal is you will feel better, but first. Your body will feel like your brain is just ushering pain signals like a creepy dude at an adult theatre.

It is not anything against coming down off of them. Lower doses, or none at all have made me realize two things.

1) I need them.
2) I do not need that many.

I had become accustomed to the idea that I can wake up and take some painkillers and not think. IF I can still think I can take some anti-anxiety meds. And eventually. I might get some sleep.

I am not healthy, my joints ache. My muscles are tense, spastic, and sore. I am deteriorating at an alarming rate.

However; with medication, I have come to the realization that it doesn't help if I spam it.

That's with painkillers.

Unfortunately the past 3 years have been a sturdy test. The past 3 years have been unforgiving for me. In return I've masked it all. I am fine with that. It doesn't mean I deal with it at that second. I try to deal with it over time.

I'm more sore, more scared and more lost since upping my anti-depressant. Which is fucking terrifying. I'm scared to sleep. I want a come down. I want to calm down.

Here's the downfall with anti depressants. You run out.

___________________________________

Introspection time.

In the last blogpost I had written about the idea of having kids.

One day, that might change. Marriage has been fun. But, ultimately there is some sort of invisible clause that comes with it.

Sure, would I like a band of young asshole Devon's. Yes, fiscally, physically, emotionally and rationally I am unsure if I can handle it.


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