My longwithstanding issues with being a son

I am a son, a brother, a cousin, an uncle and a friend.

I am a son to my Mother. For all intensive purposes, my uncle raised me for what I am today.

At the turn of April 20th of 2013, I had a stepfather I was calling dad, and a grandfather who I was planning to be close to. Learn from and play crib with.

2 weeks later I lost the rock of our family. My grandfather passed.

5 months later I lost my stepfather because he pursued selfish endeavors

For the next year, I wore the face of a man who lost nothing, who was becoming his own man.

I was not that. I will probably never show my cards to you. I only write about my cards; metaphorically.

I was dealt a shit hand in terms of having a father early. I never knew my biological father. It didn't effect me to not know who he was.

Losing my stepfather in the manner I did crushed me. Crushed me then. Crushed me for a year and as of recently it is crushing me repeatedly like a garbage compactor. My brain is missing that piece. My stepfather did not do much. What he did do, is provide stability. He was not smart, he was not proactive. He did what he needed to do to make us stable.

It is something that I have not experienced since he up and vanished. Nothing ever really feels stable. Money may never be stable for me and my family.

I want it to be. I don't want to admit that him leaving has effected the person I am today.

 ...

It has, I am a ball of anxiety waiting for the teeter totter to push back to the other side. Somedays the other side is weightless and nothing happens. Other times I may never come down because the weight is on the other side. It is the fear of the latter that cripples me.

No stability.

I should not complain, we fought our way through him leaving, became a cohesive household. I just was not ready to be thrust into the man of the house role and go to school.

I do have longstanding father issues. Or rather just an issue with the thought that all the male role models in my life are lost, or forgotten.

...

There will never be a day where I forgive those trespasses of my father or Dave.

Simply, pulling the sheet out from under an entire household is one of the most painful things you can do.

I have unresolved issues, I don't want to talk to a therapist or even a person. Rather broadcast it on the internet.

Because you cannot see the pain. You cannot see the face of a man so worn by the lack of stability in his life.

"We call them cool, the heart that have no scars to show. The ones that never do let go and risk the tables being turned" Garth Brooks.

Best Regards,

Devon