Friday, 11 December 2015

Painfully numb

Visiting doctors, diagnosticians and professionals. I've come to learn that my pain is almost not recognized. What I say is helping me is ignored. the carousel of medications that have the same effect as writing "prayers" on someones status. I'm not sure what the end goal is. I'm not liking the journey. It has crushed self-esteem and morale trying to battle through. To be told you might have something that shouldve been diagnosed at birth hurts.

I take medication, when I am directed. Pain is there. Medication is basically bitch slapped by the pain. I feel like my doctor's believe at that my age. I am not worthy of being "given up on" so to speak. By that I mean, they won't put me on painkillers with heavy attacks on the pain I feel. At 24 they feel like I should not be on narcotics. The truth is, it is what I should be on. It allows me to function. To not be in pain just sitting down. Learning that ultimately my spastic legs have many causes. Much of which are incurable and fatal. As is everything else,

Ironically I do not care what the dignosis is. they'll still run the carousel. I'll stay up all night depressed hoping for a doctor to give up on me.

I'm not looking for something to numb the physical. I need something to numb me... period.

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