Saturday, 3 March 2012

First comedic blogpost (Horoscopes)

Practice makes perfect, be the best that you can be.
You cannot reach the limits of possible without reaching the impossible.
"If you take these pills for 4 weeks you'll add an extra 5 inches to your cock."

Alright, maybe that last one is a stretch. Badumtsch.

I'm taking a light approach to this, people someone out there needs these quotes on a 1-a-day calender to get through their mundane 9-5 monday to friday job.

But, when someone posts them on these multiple social media platforms I am not entirely sure they know what the quote was intended for or whom it was intended for. They are posting it to feel smart, or show off their massive ego or bury some depression or angst that burrows inside them. I am all about being who you want to be and challenging yourself. But, if you are basing your daily actions off of a fucking inspirational quote. You need to find someone who betters you as well as challenges you.

These quotes are heavily found in what i like to call bullshi---- I mean horoscopes. The pseudoscientific freak show that is the whole Zodiac array. People wear shirts with their "sign", tell you what your horoscope for the day is, buy $3 dollar scrolls that tell you, "you are going to feel dumb today." I swear that is all I would write for every god damn one of them. It is no different in the paper. Besides, if a person used an ounce of reasoning, couldn't they piece together that horoscopes should match on a given day.

I mean they are so vague and uninformative it makes my eyes want to turn around and cockslap my brain for even reading one.

At Capital X this year, some old man... Probably days away from changing his own depends and catching the latest matlock had told me he had lived most of his life by his horoscopes. I will take this time to inform you, he cleans Northlands and was working as a volunteer at a horoscope booth there. If he hadn't called me "kid" to start the conversation I would've given him the time of day. If he's happy go for it but as a salesman he is about as useful as that awkward kid in your social group helping you collaborate to sound like a fucking jackass. You know who you are. (Me)

Part of me is an asshole for picking people apart for choosing quotes that logically make no sense and lead to a fallacy of security and inspiration; However, these people who choose these quotes couldn't even tell you who wrote them, what the person did or if the guy had ever said it.

"I never said most the things I said" Yogi Berra . Hall of fame catcher for the New York Yankees who now looks like a turtle in his old age.

People quote Nietzche and Plato and Steve Jobs, and Ron Jeremy.

One of those things is not like the other. Yes, it is Plato. Cause he is a fun dough to make shapes with. Herp Derp.

Please hesitate to post these asinine things, as I will see them and become the forever alone guy. Also, stop posting pictures of food like duck for instance. Or making duck faces cause someone could only wish you would become food.

This is my first comical post, if you wish to call it that.


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