Sunday, 19 February 2012

Unwanted, anxiety, and looking on the bright side of life.

"Don't you ever think/wish you could do more with your life?"
Simple phrase, but on a Richter scale it is about a 9.0 for your psychee.

People around me complain about grades, about not being able to drink on the weekend, and their job. Don't get me wrong, everyone's jobs suck at some point. (Especially when your boss calls you gimp 3 times a day). But really things could be much worse. Not going to throw in the Africa rant, but i am going to approach this using my realism approach to life.

I sit here at 12:30, in a hell of a lot of pain from a stomach ulcer I developed by taking prescribed ibuprofen and painkillers. I also probably developed them from a disgusting amount of pressure put upon myself. Everyone has pressure, and it is phrases like the opener ^ that just put a whole new spin on it. My hermano is very successful, and is probably my inspiration to do all I can do for me. He is my role model. If not for him, I would be working a dead end job at shoppers instead of realistically thinking about my future and helping the people around me.

I was born with a physical deformity, made fun of because of it, and ultimately spent many nights crying over it. One of my ears fell so now they aren't identical. More Hobbit jokes than you can handle. I'm 20 years old, going on 20 surgeries because of the complications of having bilateral clef lip and palate. I found a beautiful girl, and she has ultimately become a mature woman that compliments me in every way.

I could still sit here, enduring my ulcer pain. Getting 3 hours of sleep and constant cramps and spew venom at anyone who has a "better" life. I used to be that person, for the life of me I don't understand why I wanted to be that person. That is a disgusting person who only manifests the angst and pressure of being the bad guy. Not saying I am not an asshole. But I am less likely to tell you how depressing I thought my daily struggles are. Use them as some kind of sympathetic game. Things could be so much worse for me. Those surgeries, this pain, this love, my family have all bettered me and made me strong. Although my body is running off of fumes. My self-esteem is as high as it has been ever.

I really don't care how much you drink, how much you want a drink. What kind of grade you think you should get, or how much "dumber" I am than you because you scored higher. I will listen to how much your job sucked, but you can meet some special people in the work place. It can be humbling. Look at the positives. Hey, you have a job and make money which you can buy that alcohol with. You are in a post-secondary institute studying, and bettering yourself in the face of adversity. Be reasonable with yourself. You want to do better, put in the effort and try. I've witnessed people sit in chairs at Macewan just weeping at their textbooks. Dear God.

I've taken my health for granted. It caught up to me. It changed my view at life. I keep pressuring myself, my ulcer is going to destroy my gastrointestinal system. I stopped putting anxiety in my brain. I could've pushed myself into depths so far that would probably result in a long hospital stay or my own perishing. I would go to any length to make people around me understand that you are beautiful in your own way. Everyone deserves that. The unrealistic microscope they put themselves under is ridiculous. It shows, and it is a bad colour. Live to your potential and live to be healthy and help the people who matter most.

This is only part 1 of probably a long post.



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