As a follow up, today I've felt worse pain wise. It is making me increasingly frustrated. But, at the same time. I got to see my Grandma today, and had a dinner with all of the people in my house. Looked at old pictures. Missed those memories, made me miss my brother more than ever. (Which is selfish of me)
Family is what keeps people grounded, what keeps people afloat. At the end of the day, family is what you are given, and it is what you go to sleep knowing they will always be there.
I'd like to think I have helped some people, raised some awareness for depression. I also would like to think I have brought you the human, as raw as it gets Devon. When I write these blogs, I enter a part of my brain that is only sparked by these feelings. This is as human, and vulnerable as I have ever been
I've bottled up my anger and frustration for so long. My competitiveness will never cease. I want to better myself, I want to be better for some reason. I find it ridiculous, but it is so far into my brain. It would take a shovel to dig it out. It is built into my personality. I want to better myself all the time, then I just stop. Listen to music and think about why I need to make myself better than the people around me. Rather, I should be making myself better for me.
I've never been told I am attractive, or am "hot". You know what, I'm glad. Because, my attractiveness is only seen when you get to me. Not the shield I put up around myself. My humour, and rigid structure is one of a kind. You'll never meet anyone else like me. Everyone I choose to know holds their own place in my brain. In my heart. Everyone is attractive in their own way. I avoid people who are going to bring me down or use me.
I need to constantly remind myself that I am better because I want to be better, not so I measure up with someone. When I do, I hit my stride and get my self-esteem like that and learn more about myself when I do step back. I'm not happy I get that 60 % in school, but it doesn't make me break. I want to do better for me. If not, then I look at it like I am in school, and learning and I passed my exam.
I'm not going to say that there isn't days, where I get sad or mad about my pain and daily frustrations. But, they have become few and far between. Everyone has the aches and pains, but I want them to know. They are important to people. They are beautiful, they are attractive and they should live their life with easiness. Live it light. Live it bright, and love the people that mean the most.
Good night my friends and family.
Part 2 done