Monday, 4 January 2016

Hello Darkness.

I'm in the dark.

I don't see much light. I can feel some. I can move. I can pretend to see.

Right now, everything is gloomy. I'm unaware of what is going to break first. My body and my mind.

Learning I could've been living with some sort of Palsy (Which could've been treatable) to prevent pain. I am mad.

I am unsure how I've went my whole life. 22 surgeries, countless doctors, surgeons and medical professionals. Testing everything from my reflexes, my voice, my ears and my speech. Through test after test. Not one was a scan of my brain and the way it works. I know the way it works in a dark world. I have cousins and friends who reach out. I cannot go, it really is not at fault of me not wanting to. I can't. I cannot deal with the pain and anxiety of my situation. My wife tries to get me out of the house. I fail her at every chance.

I am slightly concerned of my future. All being stalled by a surgery that is never going to happen. A metaphorical look into my own life and what to look forward to. Nothing to help, nothing to please, and nothing to make me feel any more human.

My brother chose to hold out talking to me for 3 months. That hurt more than probably anything in my life. He's been my motivating factor for life. For almost anything I do. I try to give him some hope that I might be better than what I am.

I am better than what I was dealt. I am a pussy for relying on the crutch of pain. I am a pussy for relying on my depression to excuse my introversion.

I'm not sure what I was meant for. I'm opinionated, smart, and reckless. I am aboriginal, political and cynical. I am a man with so many identities and so little to show for myself.

2015 was a rough year. It did not teach me nothing. except where I stand within my family.

Bonne soiree,

I'm fine.

Devon.

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