afraid...

I'm afraid...

It is not the reasons that usually eat people up, anxiety, depression or some big event.

Often times I just do not want to wake up.

As dreary as that sounds, it is true. I don't know what kind of pain i'll be in or what will happen.

What I do know is that I will have to be up during the day. The ironic thing about depression and anxiety. You do not pick when it effects you the most. Mine hits me hardest during the day. I'm alone. I'm afraid. I cannot find an escape.

I am afraid....

One day I might be more confident and who you want me to be.

Instead I'll sit here and dream of better days that I have not had. I will lay here and debate all the conversations I've never had. I'll overthink the words I have never said. The actions I chose to ignore.

Mostly, I'll dwell on my shortcomings, my lack of future and who I am now. Not the person I was 8 years ago.

I am afraid....

I'm well. I'm a moderately healthy 24 year old with questionable motor functions and muscle tightness.

It is beginning to define me, everyday I wake up.

It defines me to all those around me. It crushes me that it defines me in any sense. It makes me irrationally angry that at my age I've only had one or two happy memories.

I'm afraid that I am on empty, looking to escape the monotony of 24 hours of confinement to my own mind.

I'm afraid of who I am, who I will become and what I will become.

I'm afraid I cannot make you happy.

I'm afraid I cannot make me happy.

I'm Afraid....

I'm Afraid....