Wednesday, 27 January 2016

A Retelling... and the years following.

Today is January 27, 2016. Bell Let's Talk.

It is a bittersweet day. It is a day that means more to me than (on most days) life itself.

Today I am here, I probably should not be. Most days I feel I should not be.

February 2012 was an awful time. The worst month I would experience for another 13 months until it was eclipsed by the death of my grandfather.

I woke up. Angry at those around me. Those in my life. The most lost I have ever been in my life. I hope.

I woke up. I didn't feel like it.

I woke up. One way or another.

I wanted a way out. It became the only thought. My only motivation that day.

I had ideas of how I wanted out. What I would leave behind. What my last acts would be.

Slowly playing out how I would end my life. Decisively. Who I would tell. At the time, was with my first and only girlfriend to date. I did not care. I felt she would heal in some way.

I woke up that day thinking it was the last day for the rest of my life. 21 years young and in pain. approaching my job with the apathy of a cat. I was going to commit the most selfish and most selfless act you could commit. The ultimate of my life.

I had planned out a couple of ways I was going out. I did not want to talk. I was scared that my family would think it was their fault. I could not talk to them. I didn't know how to start. I had been given everything (within reason) that I could ever want. I was told I was worth it, complimented, told I was smart.

I reached an apex. I was either going to end it that night or I could fight for my life.

Which brings you hear. That night I had decided to write a blog instead of ending it. It's been 4 years. I am still depressed, hopeless, anxious and often alone. I am married, loved, on some days happy and generally content.

I write every time I get depressed. It is a stress relief. Sometimes it is the only thing that soothes me. I would never criticize someone's depression unless they play it out for sympathy.

Funny thing when you reach that apex. You are never going back to it, one way or another. I put some value on my life. Not my own value. Rather I valued it in perspective of those who love me. I could not imagine how they would feel in my mind and that is what drove me to find a different way to relieve my depression. I could not cope with the thought of coping. That's why I did not do it.

It is January 27th, 2016. I am writing this for those who cannot put into words or are scared just like I was. Almost everyone in life suffers from some form of depression at some time or another.

It is January 27th 2016. I am writing this for me. for you. for the millions of faceless people who find an identity at least once a year.

Be you. Be the weird person you want to be. Be the person you thought you could be. Stay true to who you are. Talk to people, regardless if you are introvert. Be true to yourself.


Best Regards,


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