Isolation

I want to be alone

I don't want to be alone

I am alone

I am not alone


Sentences that are said to ourselves at least once a year. No matter the circumstances, no matter who is around or how much love you feel. The thing about depression is along with it comes the insane and dire need to be isolated from people. This is how people think they cope with it. Although, true for many. This is a slow process for recovering for depression

Isolation is also a math term, isolate the variable.

It can be applied to real life, if you have something that you want. Depression should be the thing isolated. Not you, you are not the variable. But, rather the equation master.

I was never good at math, so that probably makes no sense. Shoutout to my high school math teachers, I don't know anything.

Solitaire is a lonely game. Solitary confinement is lonelier. However; a lot of times, seems very necessary. A person is never truly in control of their brain. They will always have immoral thoughts and wrong feelings. That is the nature of how the brain works. The brain is able to compete the rational and irrational thoughts. That is where a lot of the crises involved with mental illness is found. If you cannot filter even the slightest amount of depressing thought it will linger and torment. Until you have no urge to get up or go outside. You can scream at your body to get up and do something, but in that moment where you are isolated. Nothing or no one can move you.

I find a middle ground. I am not one for isolation, I write this blog. I try to write it actively so I can remain relevant and a pretentious knob. No, just kidding. I write these blogs as a way to isolate myself from my thoughts and get whatever I can onto paper or into this textbox. It soothes me, for the moment if gives me temporary release.

I have isolated myself from others

"Fine"
"I'm fine"
"I'm good"

All lies I tell everyone when I try to isolate myself. My brain says don't tell them anything. But, it does not have to. When you isolate yourself, your body language does all the talking.

I've hurt people mentally and emotionally. I've fucked with peoples feelings. I've made people hate me so much they don't want to talk to me. Just to isolate myself from things. These are the things that did not help me in my younger years. I took it out on other people because I could not cope.

I wish I could apologize to those people for the things I have said. I wish I could be there to help them when they got into my situation in life.

I wish I was a better friend to most people.

I don't want to be alone.

I want to be alone

I am alone

I don't want to be alone.

Regards,
Devon