Monday, September 10, 2012

Today is Suicide prevention day, a new confession

September 10th, Suicide Prevention/Awareness Day

The day after my birthday is always a sad one. One where I can identify with those around me who have the look. The empty look, the blank eye gazing, the mouth slightly open. The look of despair. I can identify with these people because at a point in my life was the same. Unaware of my surroundings, unaware how others felt around me. No self-esteem no feeling of self-worth. No appreciation for life on this earth or the people around me. I didn't appreciate much of anything anyone said to me. Positive or negative. It is a funk, a nasty funk at that. You don't know what to do. Each hour of the day feels wretched and disgustingly long. All you want is to die.

Go to sleep, hope it is gone when you wake up. The feeling of needing to vomit because of your own problems your brain creates. The thoughts of suicide, how you could do it, when, who would miss you; It is something I experienced in high school. It is a very rough time. My body deteriorated because of the lack of dopamine running through my body. So you eat, masturbate or find someway to get some dopamine flowing. Apart from physically hurting yourself or a loving hug those are the 2 that people use the most to feel some semblance of happiness. Then you abuse it, gain weight, feel shame and hate the person you are becoming even more.

I wandered around my house looking for food, never ate anything. I was one of those people who didn't eat when he felt sad or depressed. The sickness that comes with depression is tormenting on the body. Wake up and a very unsatisfying runny dump, eat, maybe go to school if I didn't have a migraine or a stomach ache from the anxiety. If I didn't go to school maybe read a textbook for 20 minutes, wonder if it is even worth my trouble to read it. Then find something to watch or play. That was my life for high school. I hated every minute of it. Find some semblance of a normal life. It was more than teenage angst. It was full blown anxiety and depression. A severe lack of empathy or sympathy for anything. Got rejected, called them a slut skank bitch waste of time. Make them hate me because somewhere in me I craved the hatred of others. Go out with people hating you so you could slide out without anything missing you. I never shared my story of depression until now. The face to match the story of my life is now uncovered from the mask. I never spoke to my family, friends, or anyone in passing, confession or just conversation. It is not something you can tell someone unless they have been there.

"oh hey, yeah i've been feeling depressed lately" "okay, why?" And that is what no person can answer rationally. It is always "the world hates me, I am never getting respect, I never get someone who is genuinely interested in me. God gave up on me, and that's all he is gonna do for you." You need to have the opinion of someone else. It needs to be juxtaposed to yours, and they won't tell you what you want to hear. But, it is what they need to tell you to snap out of the funk. They need tell you to appreciate life, and forget all of the irrational stuff that rattles in their brain every morning and every night.

It has been about a year since I have even had the thought of suicide. This past year, my health has improved and deteriorated even worse. My legs have been improving every day. My ulcer is maintained but my pills cause me problems. But, I have felt happy. My mom is my rock, my girlfriend is the main thing that keeps me sane. Keeps me wanting to go on and be successful. My brother was someone who I identified with, knowing he vested interest in my schooling and well-being. He always looks out for me.

I have the odd-day where I get back in that funk, never think about suicide though. I get sad, depressed, and fear death because, I am not done here.

I know if I did it, people would miss me. Words said, or actions taken mean nothing at the end of the day. Move on, you don't know when that person or you might pass. Be human, forgive and forget, help those around you. It is as simple as buying the persons coffee that is ahead of you. Every time I would think about who would miss me, I just think about my mother. She wouldn't be able to handle it. I think about my girlfriend, she wouldn't be able to handle it. It would probably damage my brother's journey for a Ph.d. I would never get to show my nephew the newest games, play hockey with him, give him a hug every time I see him. My niece would never have a person to go with the few pictures that are out there of me.

In conclusion, I had learned the true meaning of life and success. It is not how much money or the job you hold. It is making an impact in the lives around you. Being the awesome husband, brother, father, or the crazy uncle. Making the day of a stranger with a nice gesture. Conversing with someone about their daily problems and providing your own experiences. Being happy and having peace in your body and mind. Not being selfish and relying on others to provide you with money, or other material things.

Just appreciate the days you are alive, appreciate the moments of laughter with your family and friends. Never lose sight of what makes you... you.

Don't put any weight into suicidal thoughts, it will eat you up alive. It will make your mind turn your body against you. It self-defeats every aspect of you. Suicide is selfish and a horrible end to life.

If you know anyone who has thought about it, feels depressed or looks depressed. Please talk to them. You could save a life and make life easier to live for them.

Today is suicide prevention day, the people I love have prevented me from committing suicide 

Thanks for reading,

Best Regards,
Devon

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