Saturday, 8 June 2013

Missing something to chew on

I had surgery on April 19th. Surgery that required 8 weeks of liquid diet afterwards. I was told I would lose about 20-25 pounds. I've lost almost double and it has weighed on my mind more than just hunger.

Food is a habit, for some it is a habit practiced too much, for others they choose not to eat. Those people are interesting. That is a mental disorder. The constant need to feel skinny by anxiety forced onto them by the media. Anxiety and paranoia are interestingly related to food and eating disorders. Right down to if someone is watching you eat or not. How you eat, what you eat and how much of what you eat. People go through drives thrus and sit in vehicles because they don't want any constant scrutiny that they super sized a meal. People don't eat much because they think skinnier is healthier.

Me? I know much about diet now. What I learned is a liquid fast is better than nothing, but can have long term effects. It is almost like a state of being bipolar. I've never experienced mood swings.

Drastic weight loss and stress have resulted in my anxiety being skyrocketed. Don't feel like doing much, can't exercise because I will lose more weight.

The miss of the crunch of chips, even the shitty feeling of eating a burger. I've missed it all. And when eating is one of your vices. It is hard to make up for it. My grandfather dying was a great stressor that I couldn't handle. Didn't know how to handle it without some habitual behaviour. Was hungry, but couldn't eat. Since anxiety carries a lot of rhythm to it. I knew something was wrong, I could not fix it.

Now 7 weeks in, I'm frustrated, I'm anxious, I'm no longer hungry. It is a constant state of insatiability now. It is making me aware how important food is to the mind. Quite literally.

Society shows that people should be skinny or else they are made fun of. I am at the skinniest I have been. I have never felt less healthy in my life. I needed that actual feeling of eating to release endorphins. That nasty yet rewarding feeling of crushing a burger.

The anxiety is eating me alive until next Friday

 Food is necessary for human survival and healthy living.

Being a creature of habit, triggers are no longer possible to avoid.

The feeling of not being able to eat does not leave much meaning to what you are doing.


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