Thursday, March 7, 2013

I'm in limbo, not quite depressed.

I'm sitting here at 1 am, with no motivation. Sitting on twitter and finding something to laugh at. Can't find anything worth mustering up the will to laugh at. I got up this morning with the intention of going to class. Didn't have to urge to go. I can't. It makes me manic. Makes me panic. Makes me anxious as balls. I took the news hard today that any momentum I have had for post-secondary and setting up a career will be broken up 1 to 2 years. I had the most confidence in myself to come into next year mashing everything. It is earth shattering to me. It is not the first time it has broken up school for me.

I missed the first year of high school because of surgery. I paid the price in more ways than one. A botched surgery, long recovery, catheter, made fun of endlessly for being a year behind. Called dumb, and too stupid to make it onto the next grade. Goblin, Frodo, any other interesting insults they can throw  at me and the way I look.

Alas, I am not ready to call it depression, I'm not ready to call it anything. It has affected my mood and my desire to be active. Procrastination is at an all time high. Not sure what to call it. It isn't a healthy or pleasant feeling. I will break the funk, I have the tools now.

This is not a post for sympathy, this is me telling myself I am not going to slip into depression. I know what it is like. Now is not the time to go there. I'm gonna bounce back.

All my work this year, with the best grades I've had will be for nothing or if not won't mean anything for a year.

If I do fall into depression I will tell you about it, because I cannot keep it away this time. It is too painful for me to go through again alone.

It has taken the wind out of my sails. It has made me second guess most of my decisions thus far. It is a surgery that must be done. I'm showing old habits of blaming people for things who have nothing to do with it or it is out of their/my control.

I am walking around faceless, not literally. But, no emotion. Nothing to show for it. Nothing to smile to, just apathy. Apathy is the gateway to depression.

My anxiety is at an all-time high, but that I can deal with through communication with those who care.

Thanks for reading,

Regards,
Devon

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