Sunday, 17 March 2013

Crossing the Threshold

Heavy breathing
sudden flush of senses
heart drops
Muscle aches
stomach pain
tears.... For 30 minutes

I cried, like a little bitch.

When? about 30 minutes ago. I think I broke the threshold from having my anxiety under control to a level of depression.

Who am I?
I'm human, I'm caring... somedays. I crave people worrying about me because it makes me feel some sort of self worth. My life has been a constant reminder that you can battle through it. That's what I want people to take from my life. It is not sunshine on either side. Every day is struggle.

Do I know where I went wrong? Do I know where I end up?
No... The thrill of it is entertaining/frightening. More so frightening.
Surgery in October was a God send. I had an excuse. To stop putting pressure on myself. To stop the constant berating of my feelings. I could focus on comedy, having a shitty job just to yuk it up and take a court side seat and just watch life. Sometimes you don't want to be in the drivers seat. I wanted that sending, I craved it. It was the only silver lining. It was how I was going to break the mold my brother had made. I was going to use 2 years of experience and gain to turn myself into something presentable, and something fitting to the rest of my life.... Unorthodox. I've never been one to do things in the order they are presented. Being different, being weird.

 I told people around me it sucked that I was out a year... It didn't. I don't care anymore. My surgery got moved to April, so... You know, I can go to school in September.
I don't want to do it, I didn't after the first semester of this year. My body is toast, I've now sacrificed my body for what... The off chance at a future? somewhere? where does someone like me fit in?
 I've promised myself for too long, that I wouldn't sacrifice personal health or family relationships for school/work. I broke that promise to myself. That hurts the most. I couldn't even admit to myself that I was making a mockery on any ideals I have.

That's bad. I've reached the breaking point with school. Somewhere something/someone was looking over me with the October date. I was going to be able to rest, I want to do stand-up. Lord knows it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm 21 years old, I would give anything to tell 15 year old me that life is going to suck. But, occasionally you will get those moments that show you why, "Life is Beautiful."

Those moments are overshadowed by my constant need to feel anxious. My constant need to not feel depression. These words write themselves

I grew up faster than anyone should. It is not healthy how quickly some kids grow up today. Age is the number, experience of life's events is the true person. I'm 21. I feel 45-55. I don't even fucking know what my name is anymore. I don't want to wear the name 'Hunt'. I do not associate with that side. My name is Devon. Like, Seal or Cher or some shit now. Until I officially change my name.
It is generational, It is not experienced by only me. I fear what is to come for the next generation.

I won't sleep tonight, I'm fine with it. Depression brings many sleepless nights. Daryl Strawberry describes depression as "The Want to Hide, so nobody can see you." That's the truth. Here I am friends, family and twitter. I'm not hiding. I'm not healthy, dimensions of health is what I learned this year. There is 7 of them. Emotional relationships with friends and family is an aspect of social domains. It is the only semblance of 'good'.  I'm not at a scary place. I'm not at the point of self harm or harming others. Don't worry about that. But, the threshold. The threshold has been crossed, 13 kilometers ago.

Thanks for reading.

Devon Hunt.

 Those people around me, who make me happy. I appreciate everyday with you. That's the beauty in life. How fragile everything or everyone you touch, really is. I love you Mom, Fiancee, friends, family, strangers on twitter. You are keeping the train moving.

At this moment of writing. I love you, Devon. For being able to write this, instead of crawling into the deep dark hole like you've done so many times in the past.

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