I am emotional, I am abrasive and I am afraid. I fall back into the same patterns and same routines with my depression. I feel inadequate most days. Slowly looking back through the years and realize at 26 I am nowhere near as established as people my age. Maybe it's the fact it has taken me 26 years to learn I was not grown up. I was always sheltered from the nuances of life. Instead festering years of depression. Slowly dominating every aspect of my life; from school, home and friends. Maybe I don't want to lose friends. I want to know people. Keep people in my life. Someone to remember me. Someone to remember.
I had stopped writing because for the most part, I do not feel like my words are worth reading. I wish I was stronger in my respect for myself and creativity. I am not as introverted as I thought; however, with depression, you become paralyzed by the fear of having no one love you. The constant struggle with telling yourself that someone's life is better because they know you. Some days I think someone's day is better because I made them laugh. The trade off of being as aggressive as I am I think more people would rather avoid a conversation with me.
I have lived 25 years as a person who was not built for success or at least did not feel like I was built for success. For the last year I have tried to rehabilitate my mind, my convictions, my thoughts. Most of all, over the past year. I have tried to make the people around me feel happy. Something I have never done before. I have worked on my relationships with myself; at a mental and emotional level. I may not be where I want to be. I will get there. I will feel the self worth someday.
The depression will fade one day (hopefully). Until then, I will try to overcome it and my demons.