Friday, 2 March 2018

Nostalgia (brothers)

Living with anxiety coupled with regret freezes you. In a moment, in a minute, for a month, for a year. Living with chronic anxiety is reliving every embarrassing moment and every tearful moment. When you remember most moments in your life, it is because of the emotion you felt at the time. More likely to remember the sad moments than that of a happy moment. So, when you say "I don't remember the last time I was happy", it is mostly true.

I remember a lot of my youth. I looked up to my brothers a lot. They were my biggest role models. I wanted to learn guitar for my older brother. I do not have the patience for that shit. I wanted to learn hockey, I wanted to skate (until I skated), I went to every game. I wanted so much more from my brothers. I wanted to me the punk emo Gordie Howe. Surprisingly, that has not happened.... Yet. My brother was always good at school. Even during his "I don't give a fuck phase" he crushed school. He writes with an elegance that I will never reach. I remember reading one of his essays from high school. He wrote with so much flow and eloquence. It became part of the reason why I started writing this blog. Once again, as my brother as a role model I decided to write. I have no flow, comma splices, and zero eloquence 0/3. 

There's enough that my brothers have done that have left me bruised. They were crusher in the wrestling ring and hand hockey tournaments. They were pretty much all I had growing up. Grudges held my best friends away from me. My brothers were what I knew would be around forever...

...

I became so much more aware of how much they meant to me as I got older. For just another minute of playing Mario Party in the old basement with the insulation hanging out. Just another powerbomb or suplex on thin mattress on top of a concrete floor. Just another minute of a 5-5 next goal wins hand hockey tournament. Just another minute of being brothers and talking to each other. Going to flea markets to find the latest DVD that they are underselling. Watch one last period of a hockey game that my brother is playing in. One last game of "don't play catch in the house". Just one last minute of nostalgia to make the moment stay. 

You are not given a set amount of time with your family and you are not able to see when everything turns. 

Savor each moment with your family, from the sad ones to the happy ones. Being brothers was never easy. But, they helped shape the person I am. For better or worse. 

Best Regards.

Devon

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