Diminishing Returns

Also known as life. I am writing about Diminishing Returns as it pertains to me, my studies, and my mental health.

This semester I vowed to be happier, more upbeat and more optimistic about life. I was finally mapping out my life, was taking initiative and became myself (more or less). Some days I believe it. For the past two weeks my demons have gotten the better of me.

I dwell on them, I let them slowly overtake not only my mind, but my energy. Slowly draining the life out of me. Not being able to sleep and being sore for 2 weeks has been a learning process. I blame myself. I wanted to just say "Okay, I can battle through, I can go outside. I can go to class. I can function as a human." People who do not suffer depression have the mindset that it would be as easy as saying "Get over it." That will never be the case. There would be no depressed people in the world if that was the case. Depression is not a weakness. Depression is a sickness. A sickness that you cannot really medicate. You can moderate. You cannot escape it. You cannot dissociate. You become depression.

About 3 weeks ago, I was heading into my first midterm, feeling the best I have felt in a long time. I studied for umpteen hours over a couple days. I went in and wrote what I thought was a damn near perfect exam. I checked my mark the following week and received a 45 percent. Which normally I would take on the chin and keep going. But, the time and effort I put into something I actually enjoyed studying made it a bitter, chalky, John Goodman sweaty pill to swallow.

I turned to comedy. My own or stand up. Finding an escape, trying to stay afloat from the impending depression. I failed myself, along with that exam. I let it beat me.

Beat me down. I cannot go to my profs and tell them that I was not attending class because... "I failed class and I am feeling unbelievably depressed." It is not their problem. I'm not the only student who is depressed, I'm not the only student who failed. I am number 175****. That's how I am identified in the system. That's what I am to most professors. A face in the crowd that disappears in 4 months.
Post-secondary is starting your own future. You will put time, energy, debt, sweat, tears, and every ounce of brainpower into it. Some day you may beat it. Most days it will beat you. It will beat you down.

Best Regards,

A man who is depressed, who can't get out of bed. Who doesn't want to get out of bed. A man who uses a lot of contractions.

Best Regards,

Student No. 175****

Best Regards,

Devon Hunt.