Walking in my Own Shadow

Preface: This is a psychology essay I have written this semester. The reference to Mario was part of the assignment. 

Carl Jung created several aspects to psychoanalysis. One of his most prominent discoveries is archetypes. He concluded that these are the “major structures of the personality.” (Frager, Fadiman 61) The structures are ego, persona, shadow, anima, animus, and the self. In this paper, I will focus on the shadow, and how it has affected my life as a whole; as well as, day to day. The shadow is described by Jung as the material that has been repressed from consciousness. (Frager et al 65)

            When you become a student at a major university, you become so much more aware of your own surroundings. It is different from working a 9-5 job – obviously. But, in many other ways. When I started at my university I did not care for my grades, my interactions, my friends. I rode the border of sociopathic behavior. My Shadow is clinical depression. It is not uncommon across universities. A number of people will talk about it openly, but an alarming number will not. Fighting depression through three years of school has been painful. I feel my depression most when I enter the building. That first breath of anxiety-ridden air on an old campus. Passing adults, who are torn apart by a communal understanding of why we are there and the societal construct that follows it. Being inside of my university is my biggest trigger for depression. My second largest trigger is missing class. I feel inferior because of my depression. I feel worthless, yet so heavy I cannot move my body. When I am in school, I am controlled by my shadow. It eats at me, it drinks from my blood, and it becomes me. When it appears (which is at an every couple of weeks cycle) it makes me angry more than anything. Angry at myself that I cannot find a reason to get up. Angry in my everyday conversations, angry at people who do not deserve it. I live in my own shadow when I am at school, I am not happy. I have not been since I started in 2011.

           This shadow I am controlled by is bigger than me. In my mind, he is larger than life. He is Bowser and I am Mario or Luigi. It most resembles and behaves like Bowser. A big spiky turtle shell on something 3 times my size. With its own little attacking minions and it breathes fire. Most of all, it robs every aspect of my life. Success in my relationships, in my family, and with my own journey. My shadow bullies me around. 

            Bowser has at least one redeeming quality for me. It serves as a motivator in a cynical way that I can battle through school as much as I hate it. It motivates me to want to be successful; however, I will not know how success will appear. It has helped me realize that there are more important things than school. Your success in academics does not define you as a person. Sadly, we are taught differently throughout primary school and through the media. Negatively, my shadow has made my growth as an adult stagger. Through 22 surgeries and trying to find out who I am. How strong I may be, my shadow is always around to make me manic. I am not a clear cut case, I am thoughtful and concise. When I am bowser: I punch walls, I throw controllers, and I snap on the people who are closest to me.

            As I stated previously, the opposite of Bowser is Mario. I am Mario when school ends. I work on relationships and I understand my journey. I learn to grow one day at a time, instead of a year in one day. Mario is a normal everyday man who does his job. He is challenged throughout his life but continues his journey as it should. He dresses like his profession dictates. His favorite expressions would be that he is an extrovert. He announces himself when he enters the room. He has many friends and loves one woman. When I am outside of school, I am easier to communicate with. That is a sometimes a negative, as my trust is taken advantage of most of the time. Which also arrests my ability to trust, and trust is almost a mirage in my vocabulary.

            In conclusion, I walk in my own shadow. I do not enjoy school, I am there for reasons unbeknownst to me. I am told to go to school or I will not get a good paying job. It has put so much pressure on me that I have thought of suicide seriously 4 times in 5 years. What I am gaining from my shadow is that I am slowly learning about me. How I learn and how I can apply that to everyday life. For as long as I am in school. I am my shadow. I am cynical, depressed and pessimistic. I am not joyous to be around. My attitude with others is introverted and destructive. I become an asshole, a prick, and someone no one wants to be around. Somewhere there is a light at the end of a tunnel, there is someone up there, and there might be something around the corner. This is how I feel. Helpless and unaware and having faith in anything I cannot see.

My name is Devon Hunt, and I walk in my own shadow.