Trapped.

For once in my life. I am at rock bottom.
I don't feel like hurting myself.
Don't feel like myself.
Don't feel like looking at myself.
Don't know myself.
I don't know how to act.
I don't know who to talk to
How, or what about.
Nothing is really worth talking about.
I'm depressed. This is clear.
I let it eat me alive like it never has before.
I am more aware of how bad it effects me.
I don't function. I don't do anything.
Even seeking validation I don't give a shit.
Everyone has their lives.
Everyone kinda keeps up.
My life is still moving.
I am not.
I am not motivated.
I am not happy
I am not content.
I am not patient.
I am not inspired.
I don't care anymore.
I am not me.
I am not a McRee, a Hunt, a anything.
I'm without identity and slowly losing personality.
There has to be something said to post-secondary schools
about how everyday life there effects the students.
There has to be a wake up call.
I am drowning in the sea of depression.
I have a midterm tuesday. Who knows if I will even look at it.
I do not want school if it makes me want to contemplate suicide again
I live a dream that I never wanted. I live this dream because people want me to
I am smart, I do not need a university or the ability to regurgitate bullshit to prove that I am
The anxiety creeps.
The depression creeps.
I am not the only once, cynically I take some comfort in this.
Macewan, UofA, NAIT, Stanford, Yale, Brown, Notre Dame, Florida, LSU (ETC)
Have no problem taking your money, and having apathy to how your life is affected
financially, emotionally, physically.
Just give them their bread and butter.
Fuck the students, fuck the people like me who are tormented with fears of unknown and unnatural being. Fear of convention.
 You read stories of students committing suicide every week or at least attempting. This isn't enough for someone to wonder anything?
Wonder how we can fix it.
Because, having a shitty Councillor read you a book definition of chronic anxiety but not help you is not doing anything. Having a psychiatrist who does not know a damn thing about you does not help.
Outreach? For whom? I'd say the outreach is them to you, to make themselves feel better that they do not live everyday with anxiety. With the feelings of depression and regret.

Regards,
Fuck you. 

Anxiety is never patient.

I've not written in sometime. This post is a little musings about anxiety. As I know it, as I've come to learn about it and deal with it.

School brings with it new hope, new fear and new dread. I live a life of constant fear of doing something wrong. This year, I really haven't given a shit. which has spun my anxiety in a different direction. Almost kind of exciting. Making mistakes are necessary in life. They are not something you can teach, but what you get out of making mistakes is more valuable than you would know. I live a more conscious life on social media, I pick up on triggers and talk to people. Compliment people, if at least I am empty inside they might feel a little bit better.

That's all I can really ask for, if people around me are happy I become a hell of a lot more content with surroundings. Not to say I'm not selfish at times. Sometimes it is about the give and take in life. If everyone buttered each other up, we could all have a little more happiness. Which is fair, and not unreasonable in today's age. But, you know what is easier? spreading hate, blocking, and shaming people. Something about social media is so polarizing in today's youth. And to be honest, it is a good thing more than it is a bad thing. If not for social media, I wouldn't know people I would genuinely care about me or want to talk to me. I wouldn't be able to express my humorous musings online or write about anxiety and get it out to a mass audience.

I've slowly changed my attitude. With life, you must surround yourself with positive people. Even strangers, as ironic as that sounds.

Over the past week I've learned that anxiety and mental illness is not patient. It does not really care what you have on your plate, or how you plan to deal with it. Therein lies the beauty of it all, as if you cannot move forward through it; You have never really experienced life. If you don't get the knowledge from it, then you can never learn. Everything happens for a reason? maybe? Everything happens is more suited. You must find beauty in true tragedy and pain, or else you will be consumed by your own mind/

Put some spin on your bullshit to make it more believable. I don't believe in much, but, I believe putting a different spin on your issues will make life a little more liveable.

Regards,

Devon.

The Ebb and Flow of the day after birth.

After Birth is a terrible choice of words to start this, oh well. Huzzah.

Let me preface this with: today I hit the same spot I did 3 years ago. Where I wanted to make the cowardly choice.

I didn't dwell on it. With the help of many key family members and new friends I battled back. I didn't want to fall into the funk, again. I know how hard it is to bring yourself out of it... Or for that matter, if you can get out of it. I was a shell today. 22 and a day old shell. I had my body moving, but my brain was pacing like a tweaker. Which is the beauty of life. Your body and mind are rarely synced. For that matter, I don't think they should be. If they are, you are most likely lying to yourself. But, I digress. What I had lacked the first time I hit the funk was Spirit. As the 3rd prong of the trident I didn't know what to do with it. The first time around I just had a fucked up fork.

Spirit, where you get it does not really matter to me. It is important to have it. Spirit can be brought about religiously, can be brought about emotionally. Something just needs to ignite inside. Today, something finally did. After 4 weeks of moping I was tired of being a little bitch. There are people who are fighting for their lives, and all I wanted to do was cease mine. How fair is that?

I scared a lot of people today, including one person who should mean much more than what he does to me. That person was me. I repeatedly said I am scared of myself, as if it were a cynical chant before going to fight a 12 rounder with Prime Time Tyson.

You are your harshest critic, but only when you want to be, I found every fucking reason to be a mope. My brother told me "You have no coping mechanism anymore." Which, struck me upside the head like a 12 round fight with Manny Pacquaio - How many more boxing references does he have left? I had stopped writing my blog over the summer, and in fact; I ignored every inkling to write a short piece of mind.  I ran away from my only source of channeling my anxiety and fear.

I took it upon my shoulders since my grandpa died to try to worry and take care of everyone's problems. I spent more money than I should've. I sacrificed more of my body and health than I should have. I did this all on my own, nobody asked me. In a way, I went into the darkness by myself. I didn't care.

I found a reason to get back to the funk, that I had successfully avoided for 3-4 years.

Why? Because, I never grieve, I never care to grieve. I'm really not that big of an asshole. I play one on social media. I truly care about people I have never fucking met. (bananas, right?) I have had more people call me an asshole in the past year than ever before. It fuels me to want to be a better person. I try to pay it forward, talk to people I normally would ignore.

__________________________________________________________________________-_____

So, this morning I woke up in uncomfortable pain and had a realization I have no motivation to get out of bed. My body did, my mind decided to take a rain cheque. My mind was still back in bed moping. Somewhere around 2 pm I started spiraling and unable to battle back. My brother had called me, knew I was down and challenged me in many ways. I cannot put into words how much that fueled me. I had old friends and new friends decide to just talk to me today.

You are never out of it in life, you are never able to truly run away.
 You should be able to battle back, you should find a way to stay.
Today, I went back and forth from down and up I suppose.
These are the problems that life can juxtapose.

I totally used juxtapose wrong. I'm a juxtaposer.

Regards,

Thanks to anyone who read this and continues to read my blog, you are awesome

Devon 

Gonna try this Birthday Rap style

Maybe if you tried something other than bitter,
You'd get to know the runt of the litter.
You'd know I'm not a quitter.
I've never needed a sitter, I've never needed help
Finding my birthday supper on Yelp.
All I'm trying to say is, don't throw me aside like kelp.
I'm a human, I run on emotion
Sometimes that emotion flows like the ocean,
I'm not coasting,
I know what I want
I know how I can
It is easy to hate the man
Who lays it out,
Like a bad case of Gout.
I'm trying to be artsy,
I don't need a reason to be
I'm trying to be on my game 24/7
I can't be anyone other than Devon
You block, you spew, you try,
Your weak shit don't fly
I give you a reason to hate an asshole
So, you won't ever know the real me

I am humble, I know my limits
I am nothing compared to you dimwits.
It takes a certain level of empathy to understand me
You never took the time to care about letting it be.
I don't cause shit unless you attack character
My values, my beliefs or my vocabulary
Sentences, lines, and flow. I'm smooth like Larry
Bird on the court, in the sky. With flight so light.
Where to go with these.
This has taken me 3 minutes to write,
This is horrible, I know.
But, if you don't try anything, You'll never know
The limit of your potent-iow.
I stretched for that last line, like a pair of large undies on a clothesline
Like an old cord on a landline.
Line rhymed 3 times like I don't give a shit,
I don't care what people think of my looks,
I'm the King on this board, you're the rook
not everyone looks like a character in a book.
So try to bring me down with your bull.
I'll leave you sitting in a lull.
I got so much lines sitting in my cull
In my queue, I'm gonna be 22.
I am tired of people not caring about people
We are all in it, we are all equal.
Fuck everything and just be you,

Good night I wish you all a better year,
For tomorrow and yesterday are too near
To constantly live in fear.
I wrote this in hopes you laughed like I did.
I couldn't write it without being candid.
I have no hard feelings for those who did
Wrong, you hate me, I can forgive.
As my compass has no leaks unlike a sieve

Happy fucking birthday to me.

Regards,
The worst rapper ever.
Devon.

Delusion, and its effects on anxiety.

"Devon, you need a little delusion in your life, you need to believe all the bad shit is happening so something good will happen later."

This was said to me very recently by a close friend. To be honest, she is absolutely right. I view the world with so much cynicism and pessimism that everything that happens is bad and bad shit always happens to me. With no pay off. I continue to struggle everyday believing that good things will happen as long as I endure the bad. In the past it has proven right.

I continue to wonder if life is a constant test of how many shitty things you can endure before it gives you a little nugget.

It is important for those who suffer from mental illness to have some ground to plant on. Over the past 2 weeks I have had none. I contemplated who would miss me if I am gone, and that crushed me. I haven't ever thought about that in years. Life is becoming harder to battle through, absolutely everyday is a struggle. For me, for you, for those who are less fortunate. There is a lot of issues in today's world.

Delusion is an interesting word. An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality,... - This is the definition of delusion.

Which has so much information in it, it is harder to define. Delusion is telling yourself things that are generally believed to be good. Like "Dr. Phil is a good doctor" is a great delusion. "The Vancouver Canucks are a great hockey team"

These are delusions, OR are they? what is generally accepted as reality? People in Vancouver believe the Canucks have been one of the better teams the last 5 years. Dr. Phill pulls in hundreds of thousands or millions of viewers in any given week. Are they really that bad?

What is generally accepted as reality in my generation is: God has no bearing on life, agnostic is the way to go, bad shit happens, move on.

Here is the great thing about that, bad shit happens. Life is a mess and is often Chaotic. You must find the middle ground. That life is shitty wall to wall, but there is some beauty in chaos. Some hope to be found.

Anxiety and Depression is often a 2-way street. Ride the highs as far as they can go, and battle the lows. Because the highs will come, it is how you bounce back from all the terrible things in your life that will allow you to truly enjoy the great aspects of life. The beauty of clouds, the jokes, the laughter, enjoy those whilst you can. The Company, conversation, even a head nod. cherish the idea that people acknowledge and love you. In a way, they could know what you are going through. They could possibly have experience to what you are going through. Know that you are not alone in anything.

I've spent 2 days now convincing myself of this. That everything happens for a reason. An optimistic view for someone who has viewed life as "Shit wall to wall" (Louis CK) It is a dumb way to view everything around you. When you are at your lowest, you will find anything to cling to, anything to stand on.

Remember: the word delusion has a bad connotation in most cases.
Delusion can also be good, delusion can be very necessary in day to day life if you suffer from poor mental health.

Best Regards,

Devon

Paranoia and anxiety.... What was that?

The feeling of paranoia is one of the most frightening things that comes with mental illness. You can't really do much to stop it, apart from drowning it in booze, drugs, or prescriptions. It is very hard to break the cycle because that is the nature of what paranoia is. The constant worry about something that may or may not be real can ruin your day. Often times it does. It is part of the stigma. Perception of what paranoia is, is much different than what a person who suffers from it might see. Others view paranoia at an extreme. Ex, that girl or guy is scare to do anything because someone might be following them. OR they might be bordering on schizophrenia/bipolar/depression. It is much more simple than that. Paranoia is the worry of something that is yet to happen. Paranoia is the worry of an idea that can hurt you.

I get paranoid. I get afraid. I'm aware most of my paranoia is absolutely unfounded and ridiculous. I'm paranoid that I won't pass my courses this year because they aren't anything I truly find interesting. I'm paranoid that someone right now is suffering and I can't help. I am paranoid I may not live to see 25, or my mother/grandmother/aunt/uncle/brothers. won't live to see me get married or have a child. My paranoia may stem from dependence or just the psychological effects of anxiety.

You see, my anxiety started around November of 2008. The reasons for this, I was heading into a surgery that was 50/50 to make my legs better or they could leave me in worse shape. I rolled the dice. One of the truest risks I've taken in life. It never paid dividends. There are some nights I can't sleep now because my legs are sore and tight. My anxiety had stemmed from what happens when it doesn't go my way.

It didn't, It is also when my perception of the world completely changed. The world is frightening, beautiful, eery and at times completely unbearable. It made me really hate people around me who talked about how their biggest worry was some shitty high school course, or they didn't get the phone they wanted. It is when I became misanthropic. It is when I knew that no one could understand what I went through. In that year,  I felt alone, selfish and ultimately it was one of the worst points in my life.

Since that surgery, I am still the same. I still dislike people, I still think a majority of people's problems are solvable and I still think my story is one of a kind. I was given no hand outs. I was put at a disadvantage from life's beginnings.

I met a beautiful girl whom saved me in many ways, she is the person I can try to tell how I feel.

She showed me the world is not as dark as what it seems.

However; recent paranoia, anxiety and depressive feelings are beginning to bring me back down to Earth (or what I perceive it).

Paranoia is something that is its own beast, it is hard to explain.

Paranoia and Anxiety are closely related. I cannot tell you which one causes which, or if correlating the two would be a fallacy.

I can tell you this topic was a suggestion I got from twitter. I had never really thought about how paranoia effects my day to day thinking. In fact, it has helped me learn a lot about the things I feel and why.

Regards,
Devon

Always looking for more topics, can be about anything from politics, sports, movies, music or more about mental health.

Thanks for reading.

Rehtaeh Parsons and its backlash

This girl has hit me hard, deep in my heart. In my plums.

She was a guilty of innocence. She had one slip up. And was made out to be a cartoonish version of Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan wouldn't have even got it as bad as she did.

It circulated child pornography pictures that she inadvertently took part in.

Showing her lack of caring and other possible instabilities. Which every girl in her teens would probably have. She showed her breasts and they circulated around school, her town, Canada and the world.

Which is scary how much power the internet holds. In fact, it should terrify you that anyone could release your address and phone number on a public forum at any given time. Lives are ruined on the internet. Whether it is divorce, families, or just crippling depression. The internet will not help you much, even this blog can only do so much for a human. The internet enforces malice rather than proper and responsible help. Negativity and pessimism instead of Positivity and optimism. It doesn't take a whole lot to notice. Your world is dictated by a screen at my age. How many followers, how you can hit glory, or in this case what "shock value" thing you can do to be noticed? I've made terrible jokes, I've trolled, I've probably even cyber bullied to a degree. In most cases cyber-bullying is coincidental.

This case was of facetious. These 2 teenagers (of whom should have their name posted as they have publicly shamed someone else) did damage that they could not have even imagined what it could've caused. I'm sure they didn't expect it to go that far; however, it did and their remorse is probably the highest you can get. They should see jail time and be charged as an adult. But, foolishness and ignorance will probably prevail. "Boys will be boys" is likely going to be the defense. As they didn't kill Rehtaeh they forced her hand. The laws introduced are not enough, people are cyber-bullied daily. People suffer anxiety and depression. People can't talk about it without being judged or marred.

I am vulnerable, I write this down as stress relief and hope it reaches people who need it most.

Mental Health affects every aspect of life. Rehtaeh had it taken from her. She didn't have the chance to defend or talk. She was judged, made fun of and mentally crippled by teenagers and adults who had no idea who this girl was.

Not to compare myself to Rehtaeh as I don't have one Iota of what she endured. But, my vulnerability was put on the line by choice. She had no chance to become vulnerable.

Her anxiety was unique as the sense that it was so public for being underage. Her depression is probably deeper than I will ever imagine because she had her own bed made for her.

She couldn't talk because no one would listen, or believe her story.

She is not the only person who will end her life because of crippling anxiety and depression. For that, I am truly saddened. Anxiety is not a weakness. It is rather a part of life, and always has been. There has never been a better time than now to talk about.

Sorry. RP. You will inspire people to fight mental illness. People like me.

Regards,

Devon