Paranoia and anxiety.... What was that?

The feeling of paranoia is one of the most frightening things that comes with mental illness. You can't really do much to stop it, apart from drowning it in booze, drugs, or prescriptions. It is very hard to break the cycle because that is the nature of what paranoia is. The constant worry about something that may or may not be real can ruin your day. Often times it does. It is part of the stigma. Perception of what paranoia is, is much different than what a person who suffers from it might see. Others view paranoia at an extreme. Ex, that girl or guy is scare to do anything because someone might be following them. OR they might be bordering on schizophrenia/bipolar/depression. It is much more simple than that. Paranoia is the worry of something that is yet to happen. Paranoia is the worry of an idea that can hurt you.

I get paranoid. I get afraid. I'm aware most of my paranoia is absolutely unfounded and ridiculous. I'm paranoid that I won't pass my courses this year because they aren't anything I truly find interesting. I'm paranoid that someone right now is suffering and I can't help. I am paranoid I may not live to see 25, or my mother/grandmother/aunt/uncle/brothers. won't live to see me get married or have a child. My paranoia may stem from dependence or just the psychological effects of anxiety.

You see, my anxiety started around November of 2008. The reasons for this, I was heading into a surgery that was 50/50 to make my legs better or they could leave me in worse shape. I rolled the dice. One of the truest risks I've taken in life. It never paid dividends. There are some nights I can't sleep now because my legs are sore and tight. My anxiety had stemmed from what happens when it doesn't go my way.

It didn't, It is also when my perception of the world completely changed. The world is frightening, beautiful, eery and at times completely unbearable. It made me really hate people around me who talked about how their biggest worry was some shitty high school course, or they didn't get the phone they wanted. It is when I became misanthropic. It is when I knew that no one could understand what I went through. In that year,  I felt alone, selfish and ultimately it was one of the worst points in my life.

Since that surgery, I am still the same. I still dislike people, I still think a majority of people's problems are solvable and I still think my story is one of a kind. I was given no hand outs. I was put at a disadvantage from life's beginnings.

I met a beautiful girl whom saved me in many ways, she is the person I can try to tell how I feel.

She showed me the world is not as dark as what it seems.

However; recent paranoia, anxiety and depressive feelings are beginning to bring me back down to Earth (or what I perceive it).

Paranoia is something that is its own beast, it is hard to explain.

Paranoia and Anxiety are closely related. I cannot tell you which one causes which, or if correlating the two would be a fallacy.

I can tell you this topic was a suggestion I got from twitter. I had never really thought about how paranoia effects my day to day thinking. In fact, it has helped me learn a lot about the things I feel and why.

Regards,
Devon

Always looking for more topics, can be about anything from politics, sports, movies, music or more about mental health.

Thanks for reading.

Rehtaeh Parsons and its backlash

This girl has hit me hard, deep in my heart. In my plums.

She was a guilty of innocence. She had one slip up. And was made out to be a cartoonish version of Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan wouldn't have even got it as bad as she did.

It circulated child pornography pictures that she inadvertently took part in.

Showing her lack of caring and other possible instabilities. Which every girl in her teens would probably have. She showed her breasts and they circulated around school, her town, Canada and the world.

Which is scary how much power the internet holds. In fact, it should terrify you that anyone could release your address and phone number on a public forum at any given time. Lives are ruined on the internet. Whether it is divorce, families, or just crippling depression. The internet will not help you much, even this blog can only do so much for a human. The internet enforces malice rather than proper and responsible help. Negativity and pessimism instead of Positivity and optimism. It doesn't take a whole lot to notice. Your world is dictated by a screen at my age. How many followers, how you can hit glory, or in this case what "shock value" thing you can do to be noticed? I've made terrible jokes, I've trolled, I've probably even cyber bullied to a degree. In most cases cyber-bullying is coincidental.

This case was of facetious. These 2 teenagers (of whom should have their name posted as they have publicly shamed someone else) did damage that they could not have even imagined what it could've caused. I'm sure they didn't expect it to go that far; however, it did and their remorse is probably the highest you can get. They should see jail time and be charged as an adult. But, foolishness and ignorance will probably prevail. "Boys will be boys" is likely going to be the defense. As they didn't kill Rehtaeh they forced her hand. The laws introduced are not enough, people are cyber-bullied daily. People suffer anxiety and depression. People can't talk about it without being judged or marred.

I am vulnerable, I write this down as stress relief and hope it reaches people who need it most.

Mental Health affects every aspect of life. Rehtaeh had it taken from her. She didn't have the chance to defend or talk. She was judged, made fun of and mentally crippled by teenagers and adults who had no idea who this girl was.

Not to compare myself to Rehtaeh as I don't have one Iota of what she endured. But, my vulnerability was put on the line by choice. She had no chance to become vulnerable.

Her anxiety was unique as the sense that it was so public for being underage. Her depression is probably deeper than I will ever imagine because she had her own bed made for her.

She couldn't talk because no one would listen, or believe her story.

She is not the only person who will end her life because of crippling anxiety and depression. For that, I am truly saddened. Anxiety is not a weakness. It is rather a part of life, and always has been. There has never been a better time than now to talk about.

Sorry. RP. You will inspire people to fight mental illness. People like me.

Regards,

Devon

Today's thoughts

Or are you? Today I feel as if the mood of your mind is set day by day. It always is. It is the severity.

Logistically, everyone starts Tabula Rasa (Blank Slate) when they are born. They are just waiting to be programmed. I would argue otherwise in terms of inheritance of behavioral traits.

You should be given everything to be able to remain a healthy and happy individual. In an idealistic world, that is true; However, what is seen at the surface is not always the case. It is all how you choose to look at the stigma that is anxiety.

For much of the last year, I viewed anxiety as a positive driving force. For the last 3 months. Any progress I have made with my mental health have been washed away. I am unable to look at life the same.

I miss those who are not here, and those who are here but not near me.

Mental health is fickle, often it is dictated by random occurrences in your life. How you react to a bad mark on a test, somebody being sick, somebody passing or just general day to day feelings.

I personally do not believe my issue lies in talking about my anxiety, I know where I stand. I know how to deal with it. Taking a year of psychology was both a blessing and a curse. I know more about the feeling of it and know too much of why it may be caused.

It is something that should be dealt with on my terms. This time of year is particularly bad, because I am not sure where to turn. What to do most of the time.

I got some of what is building up on paper/text. I will write a little more detailed blog about that 3 month journey, later tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, if you have any mental health related topics to throw towards me. You know where to find me

Thanks,
Regards,
Devon 

I saw somebody the other day

He perched across from me. Looking longingly into an empty voice. He lightly curled his lip to give himself something to smile about. The lights weren't on, he looked different. I couldn't figure out what was wrong

I couldn't figure out how to help this person that I have a connection with. I've forgotten what the connection is. He looks malcontent, he looks blankly at me. I look at him. I think about how he was probably happy in his younger days. He looked as if he has seen a ghost.

"Hello? Are you alright?" I whisper

I do not get a single response, not a facial expression. Not a sigh. Just a blank stare. I repeated

"Hello, are you alright?"

I look at him differently, he looks like he has experienced something he shouldn't have. He looks like he might be grieving but cannot let it our.

"Father, son, Holy Spirit." He repeats. Kissing the beads he pulls out of his pocket and points the rosary beads to the sky.

I cannot talk to him. It is like he cannot see me. He is human, I am human? We should be able to connect. He has no idea how to handle himself in any situation now. Socially he is angry, emotionally he is void. Psychologically he has nothing to think about but sadness

I wish I knew what bugged him, who he was, where he has been. If he will ever be 'normal again.'

The face of a man who looks depressed beyond comprehension, unable to move. Unable to speak to anyone..

I do not know this man, I miss who he used to be. I want to see this guy laughing, see this guy smiling. He looks like he has been crying himself to sleep for 4 nights. How many people does he miss? Will he get those people back.

This guy, I've never met. I want to make him happy again. That's all I want

He's too young to face these challenges, to take these constant barrage of life problems.

I want this guy to enjoy his life.

You learn a lot about a person by looking at them for a few minutes.

Regards

Closure doesn't exist

In any form. You never get closure from a job well done. There is always something else to do. Can't get closure on a bad week because you know another week is around the corner. Most of all you can never really get closure from anxiety disorder. Or depression. It is something that hangs around.

No matter the medication, who you talk to, if you get money, something life changing happens. It doesn't matter. Anxiety is a stigma. You never get away from it sadly. Nor are you ever really comfortable admitting your mental health problems.

Closure is a word thrown around fair too much. Over the past 2 weeks, I've heard you get closure from finally burying a human being. You don't. In fact, it opens it more. It opens those feelings more. A persons life never ends. It has touched lives and will continue to touch lives well after they are gone. I still don't know how to grieve. I don't have an outlet. I still hear my grandpa's voice. Everyday. The burial was a closure period. It didn't bring closure.

Because of the lack of closure on grieving, I can't sleep, don't want to eat and have been very grouchy. Yet, I'm supposed to feel like it was a closed chapter.

Anxiety is never open and shut. You tell someone you have anxiety and suffer depression and they have to take your word for it. It is how they react that really affects how you react from then on.

I'm concerned for my personal health, because I can't sleep. I don't laugh, don't listen to much music. I'm frozen in the moment. Unable to move around. No one really knows what goes on in a persons head.

No one ever knows why a person feels anxiety. It culminates and manifests so quickly you are overcome by it.

I've never found closure. I'm more scared now than ever. The ones you love never last forever and that is truly the single most unfair thing about life. I will do a more detailed blogpost on my current mental state. It would be beneficial to my readers to understand my perspective.

Hug the ones you love and hug them tightly.

Regards,

Devon

Twitter: new direction and easing my mind.

What can you say about it? It is vile, aggravating, annoying, vicious and ridiculous much of the time. Others, you may meet a person who genuinely cares about the networking site and become a very important member and confidant.

You crave followers, constantly thinking of originality and always wanting validation. The tweets you make have been done in some form. Sharks waiting for you to slip up. People creating drama for boredom and more trolls you can handle.

Alas, I hit 10k and found out that I did not have quality followers. I had quantity. Which is never what I wanted. I wanted people who shared jokes and stories and supported each other. Have so many random people who make rape and roofie jokes. Foul jokes about 9/11. People who know very little about politics stating they are a strong libertarian and constantly make tweets about other ideologies. People saing they are atheist and immediately picking on people who have found some semblance of hope in this dark world. Some semblance of a handle to grasp on life. People who tweet motivational stuff and tell people who are in a rut that it is easy.

You do twitter your own way. You are entitled to that. I wasn't doing twitter my way. I will be weeding followers out over the next month. Those who read this are probably going to stay. People who interact with me are great or people who favorite anything in the past while will be saved.

I am changing my twitter outlook not to be an elite, rather a person who wants to enjoy twitter for what it should be.

It had been putting pressure on me to create jokes, to go favorite and interact with people who had no interest in it. Trophying tweets had become a chore that I have to do everyday. Alas, friends this is the end of the craving followers era and into the taking twitter easy and maybe actually enjoying the comedy. If I do unfollow you and you want a follow back, all you have to do is ask. And honestly, if you read this please do.

I am not doing this to be a dick, a cunt or an asshole. I am cleaning it and making it fun to scroll through my timeline. Do not hesitate to talk to me. Learn more about me. I am an open book and willing to learn more about you and life itself. Lord knows it could help my anxiety issues.

This is not a move of arrogance but a move of easing my mind of stressors and anxiety revolving around social networking. I am finally doing twitter my way.

Thanks for taking the time to read it, much love and respect all.

Talk to you soon, hopefully.

Thanks,
Best regards,

Devon

Missing something to chew on

I had surgery on April 19th. Surgery that required 8 weeks of liquid diet afterwards. I was told I would lose about 20-25 pounds. I've lost almost double and it has weighed on my mind more than just hunger.

Food is a habit, for some it is a habit practiced too much, for others they choose not to eat. Those people are interesting. That is a mental disorder. The constant need to feel skinny by anxiety forced onto them by the media. Anxiety and paranoia are interestingly related to food and eating disorders. Right down to if someone is watching you eat or not. How you eat, what you eat and how much of what you eat. People go through drives thrus and sit in vehicles because they don't want any constant scrutiny that they super sized a meal. People don't eat much because they think skinnier is healthier.

Me? I know much about diet now. What I learned is a liquid fast is better than nothing, but can have long term effects. It is almost like a state of being bipolar. I've never experienced mood swings.

Drastic weight loss and stress have resulted in my anxiety being skyrocketed. Don't feel like doing much, can't exercise because I will lose more weight.

The miss of the crunch of chips, even the shitty feeling of eating a burger. I've missed it all. And when eating is one of your vices. It is hard to make up for it. My grandfather dying was a great stressor that I couldn't handle. Didn't know how to handle it without some habitual behaviour. Was hungry, but couldn't eat. Since anxiety carries a lot of rhythm to it. I knew something was wrong, I could not fix it.

Now 7 weeks in, I'm frustrated, I'm anxious, I'm no longer hungry. It is a constant state of insatiability now. It is making me aware how important food is to the mind. Quite literally.

Society shows that people should be skinny or else they are made fun of. I am at the skinniest I have been. I have never felt less healthy in my life. I needed that actual feeling of eating to release endorphins. That nasty yet rewarding feeling of crushing a burger.

The anxiety is eating me alive until next Friday

 Food is necessary for human survival and healthy living.

Being a creature of habit, triggers are no longer possible to avoid.

The feeling of not being able to eat does not leave much meaning to what you are doing.

Regards,
Devon