About Today... The Lull During Excitement

I'm excited to be going on a trip.

I'm in more pain than I have ever been. Been rejected  more than Christopher Mintz-Plasse in high school. I can barely walk. I'm constantly in tensors. I have had 4 straight mornings with a migraine.

The trip is a touristy trip to Seattle. It is exciting. It is a place I've always wanted to visit.

Now: what I have I noticed since the trip has inched closer. I've become more empty. I've become more numb to what's going on. I'm alone for the day. Then have my wife for 3 hours and then alone for the night for my demons to feast on me.

I am not strong enough to fight these demons right now.

I'm not strong enough to be ... me

Whoever that is.

Unfortunately, if I bring this up, the first thing I'm gonna hear is. "You're married, strong, been through a lot, going on a trip. Everything seems nice for you."

Nothing seems nice for me inside of the dark clouds.

The ironic thing about depression is this; it will humble you whenever you feel the need to be excited. It will humble you when you think you see an end to the darkness. It will humble you when you least want or expect it to.

This is the beast that is depression. Is it a positive thing to feel depression.

Yes, I'm a proponent that nearly all of society should feel depression at some point. In a very Socratic mindset I think that if a person does not experience bad days, they will not know what a good day is.

But, I do not want to open up. I've been putting off this blog for weeks. I've only told a couple people the depths of who I am. Video games are keeping me afloat. Which becomes sad in its own right. That video games need to level me.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow and the next day are all different but so far; it is only different in the emptiness and self-loathing I feel. I want to tell my family that their bullshit hurt me. I want to tell my friends that sometimes I snap when I don't intend to. I'm internalizing. The last time I did that it became a darkness I've never seen before.

I'll be fine. I'm putting words on screen to help me.

Best Regards,

Devon M T Hunt