"A Manly Man" and other shortcomings.

I'm never going to be a manly man. I'll fix things. I can make things. Cannot grow a beard.

As an introspective person, I've looked at my life pretty objectively. The most I can do is change a tire and work a lathe.

It goes much deeper than that. I am a thinker, I am (somewhat) intelligent. I favor those over being a gritty, gravelly bro.

The more I have thought about this, the more depressed I have become.

I have not accomplished even the most menial of tasks. I struggle with who I am. There will never be a time that I will not. I want to be so much better. I'm at fault.

I waste away playing video games and watching sports. Waiting for something to fall in my lap.

That's how I have chosen to live the last year of my life. I blame myself for that. I am not perfect. I want to be. I'm not nice, I want to be.

I want so much more out of myself. I'll never get that.

Fear of rejection, judgment and failure is magnified in my eyes. Fear of being someone else.

Maybe I would be more manly. Build a god damn boat or something. Space ship. Build a robot panda.

I will not be that man until I change my mindframe.

Comfortable is bad. Comfortable does not produce change. Comfortable does not produce robotic pandas. Comfortable produces crippling anxiety and depression.

I want a robotic panda.

Best regards,

Devon