Paranoia and anxiety.... What was that?

The feeling of paranoia is one of the most frightening things that comes with mental illness. You can't really do much to stop it, apart from drowning it in booze, drugs, or prescriptions. It is very hard to break the cycle because that is the nature of what paranoia is. The constant worry about something that may or may not be real can ruin your day. Often times it does. It is part of the stigma. Perception of what paranoia is, is much different than what a person who suffers from it might see. Others view paranoia at an extreme. Ex, that girl or guy is scare to do anything because someone might be following them. OR they might be bordering on schizophrenia/bipolar/depression. It is much more simple than that. Paranoia is the worry of something that is yet to happen. Paranoia is the worry of an idea that can hurt you.

I get paranoid. I get afraid. I'm aware most of my paranoia is absolutely unfounded and ridiculous. I'm paranoid that I won't pass my courses this year because they aren't anything I truly find interesting. I'm paranoid that someone right now is suffering and I can't help. I am paranoid I may not live to see 25, or my mother/grandmother/aunt/uncle/brothers. won't live to see me get married or have a child. My paranoia may stem from dependence or just the psychological effects of anxiety.

You see, my anxiety started around November of 2008. The reasons for this, I was heading into a surgery that was 50/50 to make my legs better or they could leave me in worse shape. I rolled the dice. One of the truest risks I've taken in life. It never paid dividends. There are some nights I can't sleep now because my legs are sore and tight. My anxiety had stemmed from what happens when it doesn't go my way.

It didn't, It is also when my perception of the world completely changed. The world is frightening, beautiful, eery and at times completely unbearable. It made me really hate people around me who talked about how their biggest worry was some shitty high school course, or they didn't get the phone they wanted. It is when I became misanthropic. It is when I knew that no one could understand what I went through. In that year,  I felt alone, selfish and ultimately it was one of the worst points in my life.

Since that surgery, I am still the same. I still dislike people, I still think a majority of people's problems are solvable and I still think my story is one of a kind. I was given no hand outs. I was put at a disadvantage from life's beginnings.

I met a beautiful girl whom saved me in many ways, she is the person I can try to tell how I feel.

She showed me the world is not as dark as what it seems.

However; recent paranoia, anxiety and depressive feelings are beginning to bring me back down to Earth (or what I perceive it).

Paranoia is something that is its own beast, it is hard to explain.

Paranoia and Anxiety are closely related. I cannot tell you which one causes which, or if correlating the two would be a fallacy.

I can tell you this topic was a suggestion I got from twitter. I had never really thought about how paranoia effects my day to day thinking. In fact, it has helped me learn a lot about the things I feel and why.

Regards,
Devon

Always looking for more topics, can be about anything from politics, sports, movies, music or more about mental health.

Thanks for reading.

Rehtaeh Parsons and its backlash

This girl has hit me hard, deep in my heart. In my plums.

She was a guilty of innocence. She had one slip up. And was made out to be a cartoonish version of Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan wouldn't have even got it as bad as she did.

It circulated child pornography pictures that she inadvertently took part in.

Showing her lack of caring and other possible instabilities. Which every girl in her teens would probably have. She showed her breasts and they circulated around school, her town, Canada and the world.

Which is scary how much power the internet holds. In fact, it should terrify you that anyone could release your address and phone number on a public forum at any given time. Lives are ruined on the internet. Whether it is divorce, families, or just crippling depression. The internet will not help you much, even this blog can only do so much for a human. The internet enforces malice rather than proper and responsible help. Negativity and pessimism instead of Positivity and optimism. It doesn't take a whole lot to notice. Your world is dictated by a screen at my age. How many followers, how you can hit glory, or in this case what "shock value" thing you can do to be noticed? I've made terrible jokes, I've trolled, I've probably even cyber bullied to a degree. In most cases cyber-bullying is coincidental.

This case was of facetious. These 2 teenagers (of whom should have their name posted as they have publicly shamed someone else) did damage that they could not have even imagined what it could've caused. I'm sure they didn't expect it to go that far; however, it did and their remorse is probably the highest you can get. They should see jail time and be charged as an adult. But, foolishness and ignorance will probably prevail. "Boys will be boys" is likely going to be the defense. As they didn't kill Rehtaeh they forced her hand. The laws introduced are not enough, people are cyber-bullied daily. People suffer anxiety and depression. People can't talk about it without being judged or marred.

I am vulnerable, I write this down as stress relief and hope it reaches people who need it most.

Mental Health affects every aspect of life. Rehtaeh had it taken from her. She didn't have the chance to defend or talk. She was judged, made fun of and mentally crippled by teenagers and adults who had no idea who this girl was.

Not to compare myself to Rehtaeh as I don't have one Iota of what she endured. But, my vulnerability was put on the line by choice. She had no chance to become vulnerable.

Her anxiety was unique as the sense that it was so public for being underage. Her depression is probably deeper than I will ever imagine because she had her own bed made for her.

She couldn't talk because no one would listen, or believe her story.

She is not the only person who will end her life because of crippling anxiety and depression. For that, I am truly saddened. Anxiety is not a weakness. It is rather a part of life, and always has been. There has never been a better time than now to talk about.

Sorry. RP. You will inspire people to fight mental illness. People like me.

Regards,

Devon