"Retarded" Please stop saying this

I've cut it out of my vocabulary, completely. Why can't others? It is (in my opinion) the most disgusting word in the English language. Why does it exist? for people with little vocabulary to use it on a day to day basis to explain the most trivial of things?

It bothers me to no end that it is said daily, without care. Without reasons for saying it. Regardless of how you meant it, it should really be stopped.

I recently watched an E:60 on Inspirational people. They did a story on Heath Miller, he is a person who runs marathons. What makes him different? He runs marathons pushing his little girl in a stroller/cart in front of him. Running it together, for the world to see. It isn't about what place he finishes, it is to bring positive experiences and to make his daughter happy. His daughter was born with Down Syndrome. He raises money for this, he raises money for families who deal with having a child who requires needs beyond what other children needs.

He ran his last marathon with her somewhat recently, in his final interview he was asked what he wanted to know, what he worries about. He responded with (paraphrasing) I wish my daughter all the happiness in the world, she is a happy girl. She is important. She is intelligent. I am worried that one day someone is going to called her "retarded" and I'm going to have to sit her down and explain it. Going to have to explain why some people think it is okay to call people this. I hope that day never comes cause it will crush her spirit.

That's true, self-esteem is hard to come by. Hurling that word at anybody is enough to put a burden on them. They will carry it with them. It is a heavy word, it is a mean word. It is an ugly word.

Please stop saying retard or retarded)

Regards,

Devon

Essay on how my life has changed since starting my blog, enjoy.

            I have always had problems with mental health, whatever the age. It is something I have struggled with most of my life, being born with Bilateral Cleft Lip and Palate and looking ‘different’ from other children really kicked their spokes into gear. I was raised in a very nurturing household, I was given almost anything I asked for and was brought up to never judge anyone. I was never given the same respect. I missed my first year of high school for my seventeenth surgery and was put behind all of my friends. This is when I first experienced some form of serious anxiety. The sweaty palms, paranoia, uneasy feeling, and it got to the point where I developed a peptic ulcer. I bottled it for 3 years, until eventually it consumed me. February twelfth of last year marked the first time I wanted any sort of mental health, and for that matter had even opened up about it. On “Bell Let’s Talk day” I started my blog; I became human at that moment. Vulnerability is something I did not like, but the blog left me vulnerable. I wrote about anything, I wrote about the little nuances in life and how I can deal with them. I wrote about current events and tried to tie them into my own life. It was refreshing and made me feel alive. I felt like a contributing member of society. It does not seem like much, but I got out there. Not being hidden by the veil of internet anonymity made me feel that much more empowered.

            I chose to start my blog for the simple reason that I could not figure out a way to deal with the ebbs and flows of mental health. I never wanted to get professional health. I knew if I found a channel that I could get my information out, I would feel better. More importantly, I could help those around me suffering from bad mental health or loved ones with bad mental health. I was raised to help those around me. I wanted this, badly. Not to have it be told to me, just to know someone has read it and reflected it on their own life. Once mental health can be grasped at a minimal level, the rest of the dimensions can be put into realistic terms.

            The greatest difference I had noticed in my abilities since I started the blog is that other dimensions of health naturally fell into place. I began to rationalize every moment of my life, and learned from those moments. Even the darkest moments shed some sort of brightness in my everyday life. It directly affected my social health. I began to accept my life, and focus more on the relationship with my girlfriend. I no longer am misanthropic; I became a productive member of society and talked to everyone with the simple respect they deserved. Which is what I deviated from as I grew older, I enjoyed being able to relate again. It reinforced my values. I do not drink, do not smoke, and those remained high on my values. This changed how I felt emotionally, I was happy for the first time in years. I was happy with the person I had become. I was happy when I looked in the mirror. I gained self-respect and self-esteem from writing out my feelings. Something so small and innocent like a blog can completely change the mindset of a human being is completely mind-boggling. I learned to communicate clearly and concise with the people around me. My ‘never trust anyone’ ways had slowly gone the way of the Passenger Pigeon. There is a certain level of pessimism and cynicism that spawns from depression and anxiety. I am still working on these. Spiritual health may be the hardest one to change for a human being. My back against the wall for nineteen years of life greatly affected how my life was lived. I had thought the world was against me from day one. I had finally begun to make headway when I realized I cannot control some aspects of my life. Because of that, life is fragile and hard to understand. “This too shall pass” this is in my mind every day of my life now. Living with positivity is something that comes later, in most people it is not a switch you can flip.

            If I reflected on my decision today, it becomes priceless. You don’t really know how close you are to death until you reach that moment. You make a conscious choice to get help; one way or the other, sadly. I realize this wellness assignment was to do something in the month of January and write about that. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of getting help, of living a healthier lifestyle. I could not see a better way to celebrate that than with an academic paper. It is priceless because it taught me so much about my life. It has had a positive effect on school life, family life, and my social health.

            In conclusion, I made myself a better human being through writing out what I am thinking. I affected the rest of my life positively, including school. I am learning more than just the curriculum of a course in school now. I am learning from every individual experience I have with peers and professors. It is no longer just education to get a job. It is the understanding of intricacies at play when attending a post-secondary institution. It has taught me a lot of how my mind works. It has motivated me to exercise regularly and stop blaming my problems on other people. There is no challenge too small now. I have motivation to enter my faculty of choice instead of trying to find the easiest route. I am still affected by anxiety, but I no longer run from it. I am learning how to harness the benefits of some anxiety in life. It is almost surreal how much I have learned about myself.

            The activity I have chosen to do my wellness assignment on, is writing a blog. It has changed my life. It opened my eyes to a whole different world. It allowed me dig into my philanthropic side. The ability to help those without knowing is something I crave. If you choose to tell me that is great. Anyone can write a blog, anyone can put words into a screen. I have suggested numerous people start one. I read other blogs; I learn from others experiences as well. The internet has not always been the friendliest, but it is how any one person can get a point across. Have their opinion read, and is changing the face of psychosocial habits and behaviors.

I hope it will change how we think, and how we view society and technology as a whole. Thank you for reading this blog post.

References

Rikidus.blogspot.ca.  “Wacky Waving Anger Boner Posts”.   Retrieved January 27 2013

Bell Media. “Bell Let’s Talk” Bell.ca.  Retrieved January 27 2013

Tomorrow is Bell Let's talk day

Tomorrow is Bell Let's Talk, so lets talk. Shall we?

It is so much more than donating the 5 cents to mental health for every text. It is a message that should be carried year round. If someone is down, bring them back up with you. Don't let them sit in their funk. Eventually the anxiety and depression will consume them.

It is not worth the trouble to deal with anxiety alone. I don't know one person who has dealt with it completely isolated, without conversation. Without help.

I've been in the darkest days, I've been to the decision you have to make. I chose life. I chose to help myself last year. I will be posting a paper I wrote a couple weeks ago about my blog.

Those days suck, I needed someone to talk to. It didn't even have to be about my anxiety/depression. It didn't have to be about my poor mental health. It just needed to talk, sports, Tv, Media. Just to have someone listen is something you cannot put a price on it.

Life is fragile, the human brain is fickle. We are a social species. Don't ignore the people around you. No matter how awkward you are. Talk to me, talk to your parents, talk to your friends. Talk. You don't know how they are feeling from day to day. The power of a simple stop and chat is incredible. Talk about the weather. Sure I'm gonna mock you afterwards, but at least I had conversation and some connection.

So, Tomorrow is Bell Let's Talk.
So, Let's talk
Lets change lives, change the lives of the people around you. By using your mouth.
Contact me on twitter at @rikidus with the hashtag #bellletstalk or contact me via text. You can even point out every flaw I have and batter me with words. I don't care, conversate.

Best Regards,

Devon

Overtired mind racing extravagonzo

"The Ravens win the Super Bowl"

Hands clammy, brain frozen, sinking into place, my shell is open. My mind reaches for worst possible outcomes, what happens/where/when/why. I start sweating, I am having a panic attack on the inside

No, it isn't me wondering if Ray Lewis has killed somebody else. It is me, in my own brain. Playing my own damn tricks and making me lose my mind. I've desensitized the world around me. I don't know how to act for today

Big week with 2 exams, 1 assignment and an essay (I have no clue what the format or length is yet) and I am taking it all in stride... Kinda. My body is feeling the affects of the weather of my mind and the weather outside. Sunny outside today, cloudy with dense fog inside. I am rationalizing everything I do, almost done all my study materials and finished the assignment. I have not an ounce of a brain cell firing on the synapse. I am not tired. The cortisol pumping through my veins is putting me on a rush. I do not want this rush, I want to sleep. For once, a nice sleep. School is a very nice sleep deterrent. Doesn't matter how tired you are, if you are being eaten alive by something you aren't sleeping.

This is the face of adversity. I feel like I am down 28-6 with a mountain to climb. Coming off statistically my worst outing. 

This is an average day for a student in post-secondary, and in fact; some are very much so worse off than I am. This is draconian and ridiculous at this point. The anxiety young adults are subjected to is worse than imaginable.

There are those people out there with 8 am class like me. Hoping to get 2 hours of sleep

For those about to sleep, I sal....zzzzzzzzz
Regards,

Devon

Finding motivation and update of my life.

First semester of this year was masher, did the best in school than I ever had before.
I had motivation, I fought to try to get into nursing. I want it still, I want it real good. I don't quite know where to find the motivation knowing I am going to have to probably sacrifice a year for surgeries that need to be done. It is a momentum breaker (a derailer if you will). I am finding faith in life, and that eventually I will get where I want to. That is something I have never experienced.

Realistically I could do the 3 surgeries and other procedures during the year. I choose not to endure that whilst trying to balance school. My focus is off kilter already, what happens if I try during that time period. Could possibly ruin my future (or some sociological feigned idea of a future.)

It can only affect me negatively, and probably worsen my already steadily increasing anxiety. My mind is foggy, I am eating poorly and don't care much for anything right now. I am at the preface of my mental health hitting the shitter. I am digging my way out of it slowly. Everyone around me has their problems, no matter how big or how small they get through it.

I find motivation from my family, my significant other and some friends.

The surgeries they will do include; taking multiple pieces (or frames) of my jaw out and resetting and aligning them. They say a 5-7 week recovery. 5-7 weeks of me not talking (might be beneficial for everyone who talks to me.) Fun fact: the anesthetic has begun to change a bit, and what that change is. It is an adverse reaction which the body inhibits the Vasopressin hormone, or the Antidiuretic hormone. This hormone is crucial for absorption, which is a very very important part of the urinary system. So, it inhibits the ability to urinate right out of surgery. The body typically likes to do that. They now put the catheter in before the surgery in most cases. Catheter is the worst pain I have ever experienced (through 17-20 surgeries).

Second surgery is one I have had done before, bone grafting.They will take whatever bone I have left in either hip and put more bone into the roof of my mouth so boogers, and stuff will stop flowing freely through my nasal canal and nasopharynx. Eliminated any problems I might have with it. Which is about a 4 week healing period for my hip. and 8 weeks for my mouth. Which means I have a steady diet of Boost.

The removal of most of my hip bone at this age will likely mean a hip replacement sooner rather than later for me. That is nothing I feel particularly awesome about.

These surgeries are major, they can change my life. They will literally change how I feel day to day. The jaw surgery also has the potential to change my voice. How about that.

I want to feel healthy before I worry about my future. Pressures will always remain on schooling and education at my age. That is the sad truth. For that reason, my mental health has been affected greatly.

I'll write another blogpost for February 12th. Any Bell carriers should text whomever the hell you want. Mental health is a crisis and is never looked at seriously.

Thanks,

Best Regards,
Devon.

Anxiety: a battle of inches

In more ways than one, anxiety is a battle. It can be a little battle, it can eat you alive. You have to learn a simple key (if the big picture is what is giving you anxiety): Take everything one step at a time.

I learned this, only this year. To remain calm when thinking about school. Only thinking about the assignment ahead of me. Only thinking of the conversation ahead of me. Make anxiety small by thinking small. Have and essay and 2 exams due in a week? do the essay, and then do the exams. Don't think of it all at once.

You think of anxiety big picture it will smother you. It will make you weep.

Easiest way to explain it in relevant terms is: If you have a room that is cluttered or dirty or a house that is dirty. Pick one room, or one corner. Clean/declutter it. Take a 5 minute break then take another room or corner. Slowly work your way around the room and rationalize it all. Don't look at it as one room, or you have to clean the whole house. That sparks cortisol flow and starts the stress reaction in your body.

Life is a series of steps, and battling anxiety should be a series of steps as well. Long series of steps but eventually you will get there.

You are human, you will feel stress, you will feel anxiety. But take it one step at a time, one minute at a time. Anxiety should begin to leave you. Also: remember to breathe deeply if you feel anxiety. Oxygen will help the body's natural reaction to get blood flow pumping and calm down the nerves. It will also clear your mind.

Regards,

Devon

Triggers

This post is about triggers, working on your psychosocial mind set and having some spirituality.

I learned over the past year the best thing you can do is learn your triggers for anxiety. Try to avoid them at all costs. I'm not saying don't chase your dreams just because they make you anxious. But if something affects you enough to change your mindset negatively for a long period of time, you need to find a way to mend it. This is what ate me alive during my darkest days of depression. I thought of all the things that made me anxious and basically manifested all of those feelings at the same time.

Currently my triggers are thinking about death, thinking about deadlines, the changing of my external environment, and if my gastrointestinal system will ever improve. I play video games to avoid the thoughts of these triggers, and medicate when I do stumble upon it. I have a few others, my biggest one is dwelling on the past, I am chronic for this. In the worst ways as well. I think of things I know didn't happen but somehow try to rationalize it in my fucked up mind.

Anxiety itself is a battle, and the most unique battle one can have. It is a battle against yourself. A battle against if you can keep the peace in your own brain. Controlling thought is difficult, damn near impossible. I'm trying to wrangle these feelings and use them for good. I've been maintaining it for a little while.

Spirituality is huge for this as well. IF you remain positive in your mind, even for the littlest of things you can avoid triggers a lot easier.

Remain happy if you can, look at the brighter side of life.

Enjoy the little things, including adversity.

Regards,
Devon