A year later...Father? why bother?

A year ago. You left. The only person I could call a father. The only person I really wanted to call a father. You weren't a rock, you weren't anything special, all you really did was service a role. That role that every kid would want. A father.

I'm used to the absence of a father. I am not used to the sheer disrespect to the family who surrounded you.

I can fault you for many things, you supporting us is not one of them.

We were different. You liked cars, fishing, discovery channel and being bald.

I liked having hair, didn't care about cars, fishing or boats. Mythbusters was the bomb.

You left a hole in a piece of my heart. You hurt one of the only feelings. It was hard for me to call you a father. for 16 years I was unsure. The 4 years prior to you leaving us high and dry, I assumed you had earned it.

You constructed this view among me and my siblings. You supported us, you attempted to debate to show other sides, you even gave me twitter material. You supported a woman who was dealt a shitty hand. You supported her as much as she supported you. You are not a saint. Rather, you were the other half of a supportive/combative relationship. I used to say "Wow, he does a lot, he supports us. On his own." You supported us financially. You weren't there emotionally. You sure in the hell couldn't be there mentally. You paid bills. You're support was a facade. Money goes so far. To be a father, to be a husband, hell to be a son; you need more than money. My mother supported us kids for those 20 years. Financially, emotionally, mentally and in any other sense of motherly duties. She never threw in the towel.

...

You did.

You waste of space, you Mr. Clean looking piece of garbage. You left in the worst way at the worst time. You scapegoated two people and 2 dogs who I would value more than you on any given day. It was never their fault. Habituation of the smell of dog shit takes 2 days. You needed a reason. You built a hatred for 2 people for 3 years. Systematically and with rhythm.

You scapegoated them to throw in the towel. You said "why can't they pay all of it?" Those are the last words you said to me. Why can't someone else bail your dumbass out.

You left a woman unable to work, to live a day without pain, and who just lost her father. You left a son who endured a surgery, 40 pounds of weight loss and is approaching his most serious surgery he has had since he was a newborn. You left in 10 seconds. You left years of uphill battles for people who did not deserve it. You thrust a student in the role of supporting the family you could not admit you couldn't. You crushed the spirits of the person I love with my heart. You crushed my spirits. For a year I have said it didn't effect me. You leaving effected me quite a bit. The way you left everything with such disregard and disrespect was appalling. The threat of domestic violence if you stuck around any longer was stinging. Your reasoning for leaving was to raise two children you never knew. who were over the age of 25. Who were worth more than the 20 years you spent in my life.

I don't know what it was supposed to do for me. I'm less focused on school. I'm more family orientated. I'm more helpful to those around me. You leaving taught me humility in a way. You taught me to be even more cynical and more sarcastic.

You are the worst.

A year later, thousands of tears later. I'm unforgiving.

I am more of a father to me, than you ever could be, I'm supporting my family. I'm being the man. The roles you gave me involuntarily. If I died would you even care. If you died, would I even care?

You abandoned all you had. You became the definition of sad.

We are fine without you, one year later. The sting is still there. But, we will live without you.

So, fuck you, Ravid Dobb. Fuck you.

smile?

How long can you smile?
Why do you smile?
What does a smile signify?

A smile signifies happiness, humour, love, seduction, excitement and pleasantry.

Why do people smile?

To show that they have a nice smile, heard a funny joke, to generally make people happier.


I don't smile. I have a few reasons. Lack of teeth, lack of effort, no reason to and most importantly. Why lie to the people around me about my "Happiness"?

My cynicism and my pessimism rings throughout my body like a bill collector calling your house.

I cannot tell you the last time I have felt happy enough at the core to smile. My life is what it is. I've tried. I've won. I've lost. I have tried less than what I should've. I am not a person who feels successful. I don't feel I have achieved.

I get by, I fight for every inch. I never truly appreciate reasons to smile.
I never enjoy myself.
I am the loudest, I am the most annoying and most days I am frustrating. I try to make others smile. I try too hard. Make people uncomfortable.

I am feeling defeating and that is part of the process.

I wish I had something to smile about.

Rather, a frown will suffice.

for RW.

Thanks Robin Williams. Thanks to the thousands of other contributing members of society who have also passed. Before someone is a gigantic ass about this. I am not ignorant to the fact that Robin Williams lived well off, had a family and loving kids. I'm not ignorant to the fact that thousands of people have died in the past month that are also just as important to their family.

I am writing this for perspective. Whenever a heartbreaking story about suicide comes out, it hurts me deep. I don't know the person. But, I fight the same demons. It is a stark realization of what I fight everyday that I am alive. It may seem a little naive to say that Robin Williams dying has effected me immensely. But, it has. I am a amateur comedian, an ass and someone who tries his hardest to entertain. Night time is where my demons come to roost. I have no one to entertain, so my mind entertains me. It is not friendly nor is it hospitable to my well-being. However, that is what my life has been for 16 months. I don't sleep. I do not like sleeping. Yet, I will medicate my way to getting a few hours a night. I go for stretches where I eat once a day and drink water to binge eating. My weight is an atrocity. That is because my future is uncertain. As is yours. I have major surgeries and a career yet to plan.

I want to entertain, I want to help. I'd write columns for free. I'd put effort into writing this blog for a mass audience. Even moreso than now. I want it for the fame. I want it for the luxury. But, most of all I want it to do what I was born to do. Make others happy, make others think, make others love, make others enjoy life. At the expense of my enjoyment. I still plan to do stand up.

This is where this is my life hits a crux. Stand up comedians are some of the most depressed people you will ever meet. They are the epitome of a troubled case. Most comedians are self-deprecating and angry. Most of them medicate to sleep. Most of them self medicate to even get through a set.

RW battled addiction, depression and chronic anxiety.

in 1998 he was chosen to sing Blame Canada on behalf of the voice actress of Sheila Brovlovski of South Park. She committed suicide a few weeks before she was set to sing at the oscars.

He seemed to hit a crux. His stand up stalled, his movies were dark. His characters were maladjusted.
Perhaps mirroring his own mind and the cage that surrounds it.

RW gave his entire efforts into his acting, his voice acting, his singing, his entertaining, his philanthropy. RW gave everything he had until he had nothing left. No one was there to entertain, to talk or to listen to him when he needed it most. He never spoke up. His instagram activity would seem as if he is reminiscing. But, it is eerie the photos he has posted. I fear he had this plan for weeks.

Maybe great minds and comedic geniuses are meant to stay for a shorter time. Maybe they feel better if they decide how they go.

RW is one of millions of people who struggled with their depression.

RW was not weak, he was not a coward and he did not take the easy way out.

He was a father, entertainer, comedian, philanthropist, impressionist, good guy and an inspiration.

Thanks RW for the laughs and the inspiration. Without comedians like you, I would not want to entertain. I would not be the person I am.

Detached

What does it mean to be detached?

Completely and utterly apathetic to the world and actions of those around you. I feel this constantly. I detach myself in someway everyday of my life. It is almost like my conscious has moments of temporary blindness. I don't think, I don't speak. I just am.

It is peaceful.

However; it is often a trigger for me for something much larger. I become too detached. Too unaware. I begin to get frustrated. I do not sleep. I do not eat.

Detachment to others is dangerous. When I hit my lowest, I was detached from everything. You could not tell me right from wrong. You could not tell me wrong from wrong. I just autopiloted until I could see some end at any cost.

I will never know how to control attachment and detachment. Part of me may not want to. The more I understand the brain and its habits; the more it seems to feast on my adrenal glands. To the point where I get so anxious that I cannot go outside and talk to people.



The world is dynamic and fickle. This is where the beauty of detachment comes in. The times you can detach from life, screens, money and just sit. Think about weird japanese tentacle porn or whatever you think of. Not that I think about Japanese Tentacle Porn... all the time.



If you feel detached and depressed. Please reach out, no matter how hard it can be to overcome. People are around you. People will understand. This stigma of detachment means you are a social outcast, an asshole, or rude needs to end. Some people cannot function when they become attached. You never know how each person deals with their demons.

Complete detachment is the last step before a person makes a life or death decision. It was the one thing that stopped me. I could not completely break the chains with me and my family.

A globalizing and social world is making everyone more misanthropic and reclusive. The line between Attachment and Detachment is so thin and grey that you slide into each from second to second.

Be aware of your own detachment reasons and techniques and be cautious of how it will effect you temporarily or permanently.

Regards,

Devon

Lights, Nature, Phone Camera, Selfie

Turn the camera to front facing, make a stupid face. Snap a picture and post it to all the social media. Rinse and repeat day after day. Monotonous and redundant. Making the same face, occasionally change the lighting, or if you have a real life friend they will selfie with you.

As time progresses, our species will become dumber. The excess given to some people is too much.

I really hate camera phones.... Or do I?

The great thing about having an easily accessible camera is you begin to see new beauty in some situations. Some pictures can make an environment seem beautiful. Personify experience, grief and other emotions. To crave that orange notification on instagram. I take pictures of simple things I wouldn't ordinarily take pictures of.

Ironically, even that becomes annoying. I am a misanthrope. Some days I have extreme social anxiety, agitating and making me ever so aware of idiots with cameras. Most noticeably at concerts. Some people go to concerts and watch the concert. It is a rather novel and old fashioned idea. Sometimes bizarre to think that is a possibility. That has gone the way of the Dodo. or Dido. (Ha Ha Ha). People would rather enjoy the concert on a 5 inch screen for grainy terrible sounding videos that they can enjoy never. Almost as a way to rub it into the person who is wearing a Muse shirt. You can say, YEAH WELL I HEARD THEIR SONGS LIVE. EAT A DICK and then throw your phone at them.

Cell phones become the greatest one up in history. The followers you have, the likes, the favorites, the RT's, your pictures, the videos you can show someone of Eminem's Love the Way You Lie. Or the picture of your cat dressed up. The cameras have so much clarity now that you can actually see the cat contemplate hanging itself with your belt because you dressed it up.

These are here to stay, long past my life and yours. People will progressively filter their pictures. People will start naming their kid "LoFi, Hefe, and Kelvin"...

Cities may start naming themselves Nashville.

Regards,

Devon aka A.D.D.

Realization

How much do you give?

A shit
An effort
Your sweat
Your tears
Your Years.

I am notorious for half-assing much of what I do. It is one of the things that irks me about my own personality. Whether it was learned, or I genuinely am that non-chalant in my life. These blogs could be much more refined. I could proofread. Maybe polish up my words and the look of my paragraphs.

But, to be honest. I'm not here to be an english teacher. I've always enjoyed the personable experience and learning than the structured bullshit.

I was told I should write a blog weekly to help free my mind. It helps. That and my codependency for sleep aids (es?) are what get me through the day and night. When I write, I immerse myself. I try to turn the hamsters in my brain. Somedays it works better than others. This blog might not have any meaning or purpose to get me back to writing.

What you should take away from this? Vices are dangerous, depending on what vice, it might be beneficial. Sports and hobbies are the preferred. I chose writing.

Secondly, you will never truly understand how a person feels. From happy, to sad, to depressed. Pharrell Williams could've been the saddest human being of all time when he recorded happy. People are trained individuals of hiding their feelings. It is within the confines of school, that a person learns to hide how they feel. Strangely, people choose to ignore this. Their kids are being moulded by the fear of being outed as an emotional person. A person who cries who may be mocked with homophobic slurs for crying. A person is never really given a chance to talk about how they feel because they are shut up quickly. The sudden realization coming out of high school was that...

Hey? How do I feel? Who do I tell? How can I tell people? Will I face the same judgement.


I put it to you, How did you feel coming out of high school?

How did it effect you?

Sadly, some people never come to that realization. People become more lost as time goes on, because for 12 years+ they are restricted. Their individualism becomes tarnished. They become psychologically inept to their expression. They are bottled up, depressed and left behind. Society will never understand the depths of depression. You are educated to become apathetic and through conditioning apathy is reinforced. 

Regards.
Devon

What are we doing?

My peoples are proud, they are strong, they are shamed and they are broken.

Each aspect of my heritage is divided into hemispheres. One side: The proud, the strong, the willing warriors who battle everyday.
The other: the broken, the bullied, the afraid and beaten warrior.

I'm unsure of how we battle out of it. But, I was asked the other day to donate to a charity for a sports organization. I never do. Not because I am a gigantic asshole. But, I want a charity that helps the 3rd world conditions of the aboriginals around Canada. The water systems that pump to these lands are decrepit water stations rich in radioactive and insoluble materials. Materials that stay in water. Materials that when ingested slowly increase cells to procreate and mutate. Causing rare cancers, bone and muscle diseases. "Stores" around these areas carry extremely expensive goods. The money that people claim is "handed" to these people barely cover the cost of living and drinking clean bottled water if you are afforded that.

I am aboriginal. I look white, I wish I didn't. I am the warrior on the inside that is recognized with the Cree, The Sioux, and all the other tribes. I battle against discrimination because of the way I look and the race I identify with.

I said that to say this. These reserves are full of people who are angry and defensive. They have been pushed into inhabitable lands and told to live. They are told by media, news, and society that they are the people who bring down society. They are the ones who commit crimes. They are the ones who will not make it out and do something with their lives. Eventually, if you are told something enough. You will begin to believe it. My cousins, my brothers and sisters I've never met who do live on reserves battle something I may never have to. Something that is more than body, more than media, more than mind: Spirit.

Aboriginal spiritual life is the strongest thing they have. It is what I cling to at my lowest. It is what everyone should cling to at their lowest. The warrior comes from the spirit.

I've lost many relatives. Many brothers, sisters, and elders I have never gotten to meet. Some of that via the poisoning of the water that feeds the spirit. Some of that because their spirit was broken and they had nothing left. They decided life under duress was not worth living.

Someone close to the ones I loved had taken their life yesterday. Remembered by those closest, but nothing more than that small community. Sadly, that is what bothers me most. Stories of murder, stories of suicide. Media leads you to believe it is aboriginals. People watching it scoff, think everything is handed to them and they are still not happy. Never understanding what is exactly paid by aboriginals.

Aboriginals will never be equal to those around them. The world "Progresses" without them. Aboriginal youth is left to.... Well, do whatever they want. Limiting options of try to make it in the city or do work in rural areas to make end meet. No one tells them that they can go to school. They can be a doctor, a nurse, an EMS worker.

Broken spirits, broken land, broken minds and broken bodies. Aboriginals are proud and resilient. We will continue to fight for change. We do not want to be equal. We just want to be treated as human beings and have a fighting chance to do good.

Regards,

Devon