Social media on anxiety, relationships, and well-being

How much does twitter or facebook effect you? You will probably say not a whole lot. But, it does. The difference is, what you see as normal everyday occurrences and speaking with your friends about it is trivial. At this point in technology it is. But at a psychological level. People crave the 'likes' and people crave the 'rts' 'favs' or Trophies on twitter. Tumblr means you want more hits and visitors. I write this blog, this is a form of social media, I do care about views. Because I write this to help other people.

However, the darkness that can come about from Social Media is paramount. Search any racial slur on twitter or google with tumblr added. You will see your everyday average person spewing venom towards everyone that is not their race. Why? Because anonymity makes it easy to do some. It makes it easy to ruin people's day by trolling them. It effects everyone individually. But, the larger picture is. People are just as racist as they were 20 years ago. Now they can spew it without regard for consequence. I personally have a problem with this. I have people who I thought were friends use these avenues to attack another race. It ruins friendships. Family members fight over little trivial spiteful vague posts and don't talk for years.

It can affect how a relationship is founded. I have 2500+ followers, very few of them I know even the littlest detail. But if you post something that strays too far, they can put you on blast. Make you feel like garbage.

Facebook ruins long distance relationships. Sure it is nice to be able to talk to a loved one, or a close friend who lives far away. But, assuming you have some friends close to you. You can connect on facebook, set up meetings. Rekindle friendships, old relationships and if it goes far enough, become intimate and emotionally attached. Facebook is a terrible terrible social media outlet for people who are married or engaged. Because it raises a lot of doubt. It brings about trust issues. People need to step back. People need to realize that 'innocent' conversation has the ability to become a tool to hurt. A tool to make someone depressed.

I don't know if anyone has done studies. But I have the slight feeling that infidelity has risen by a huge margin since Social Media has taken stride (AIM, AOL, MSN, MySpace)

Social media is a slippery slope, I keep it light. I find humor and learn from other people. It is what I look for. However, it is the perspective that really matters for people.

The question at hand is, what exactly do you get from Social Media? How much does it effect you? Positively or negatively?

Too many lives have been lost because social media has been used to harm or depress people, cyber bullying makes it too easy to prey on the 'weak'. 

Regards,
Devon

Crossing the Threshold

Heavy breathing
sudden flush of senses
heart drops
Muscle aches
stomach pain
tears.... For 30 minutes

I cried, like a little bitch.

When? about 30 minutes ago. I think I broke the threshold from having my anxiety under control to a level of depression.

Who am I?
I'm human, I'm caring... somedays. I crave people worrying about me because it makes me feel some sort of self worth. My life has been a constant reminder that you can battle through it. That's what I want people to take from my life. It is not sunshine on either side. Every day is struggle.

Do I know where I went wrong? Do I know where I end up?
No... The thrill of it is entertaining/frightening. More so frightening.
Surgery in October was a God send. I had an excuse. To stop putting pressure on myself. To stop the constant berating of my feelings. I could focus on comedy, having a shitty job just to yuk it up and take a court side seat and just watch life. Sometimes you don't want to be in the drivers seat. I wanted that sending, I craved it. It was the only silver lining. It was how I was going to break the mold my brother had made. I was going to use 2 years of experience and gain to turn myself into something presentable, and something fitting to the rest of my life.... Unorthodox. I've never been one to do things in the order they are presented. Being different, being weird.

 I told people around me it sucked that I was out a year... It didn't. I don't care anymore. My surgery got moved to April, so... You know, I can go to school in September.
I don't want to do it, I didn't after the first semester of this year. My body is toast, I've now sacrificed my body for what... The off chance at a future? somewhere? where does someone like me fit in?
 I've promised myself for too long, that I wouldn't sacrifice personal health or family relationships for school/work. I broke that promise to myself. That hurts the most. I couldn't even admit to myself that I was making a mockery on any ideals I have.

That's bad. I've reached the breaking point with school. Somewhere something/someone was looking over me with the October date. I was going to be able to rest, I want to do stand-up. Lord knows it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm 21 years old, I would give anything to tell 15 year old me that life is going to suck. But, occasionally you will get those moments that show you why, "Life is Beautiful."

Those moments are overshadowed by my constant need to feel anxious. My constant need to not feel depression. These words write themselves

I grew up faster than anyone should. It is not healthy how quickly some kids grow up today. Age is the number, experience of life's events is the true person. I'm 21. I feel 45-55. I don't even fucking know what my name is anymore. I don't want to wear the name 'Hunt'. I do not associate with that side. My name is Devon. Like, Seal or Cher or some shit now. Until I officially change my name.
It is generational, It is not experienced by only me. I fear what is to come for the next generation.

I won't sleep tonight, I'm fine with it. Depression brings many sleepless nights. Daryl Strawberry describes depression as "The Want to Hide, so nobody can see you." That's the truth. Here I am friends, family and twitter. I'm not hiding. I'm not healthy, dimensions of health is what I learned this year. There is 7 of them. Emotional relationships with friends and family is an aspect of social domains. It is the only semblance of 'good'.  I'm not at a scary place. I'm not at the point of self harm or harming others. Don't worry about that. But, the threshold. The threshold has been crossed, 13 kilometers ago.

Thanks for reading.

Devon Hunt.

 Those people around me, who make me happy. I appreciate everyday with you. That's the beauty in life. How fragile everything or everyone you touch, really is. I love you Mom, Fiancee, friends, family, strangers on twitter. You are keeping the train moving.

At this moment of writing. I love you, Devon. For being able to write this, instead of crawling into the deep dark hole like you've done so many times in the past.

I'm in limbo, not quite depressed.

I'm sitting here at 1 am, with no motivation. Sitting on twitter and finding something to laugh at. Can't find anything worth mustering up the will to laugh at. I got up this morning with the intention of going to class. Didn't have to urge to go. I can't. It makes me manic. Makes me panic. Makes me anxious as balls. I took the news hard today that any momentum I have had for post-secondary and setting up a career will be broken up 1 to 2 years. I had the most confidence in myself to come into next year mashing everything. It is earth shattering to me. It is not the first time it has broken up school for me.

I missed the first year of high school because of surgery. I paid the price in more ways than one. A botched surgery, long recovery, catheter, made fun of endlessly for being a year behind. Called dumb, and too stupid to make it onto the next grade. Goblin, Frodo, any other interesting insults they can throw  at me and the way I look.

Alas, I am not ready to call it depression, I'm not ready to call it anything. It has affected my mood and my desire to be active. Procrastination is at an all time high. Not sure what to call it. It isn't a healthy or pleasant feeling. I will break the funk, I have the tools now.

This is not a post for sympathy, this is me telling myself I am not going to slip into depression. I know what it is like. Now is not the time to go there. I'm gonna bounce back.

All my work this year, with the best grades I've had will be for nothing or if not won't mean anything for a year.

If I do fall into depression I will tell you about it, because I cannot keep it away this time. It is too painful for me to go through again alone.

It has taken the wind out of my sails. It has made me second guess most of my decisions thus far. It is a surgery that must be done. I'm showing old habits of blaming people for things who have nothing to do with it or it is out of their/my control.

I am walking around faceless, not literally. But, no emotion. Nothing to show for it. Nothing to smile to, just apathy. Apathy is the gateway to depression.

My anxiety is at an all-time high, but that I can deal with through communication with those who care.

Thanks for reading,

Regards,
Devon

"Retarded" Please stop saying this

I've cut it out of my vocabulary, completely. Why can't others? It is (in my opinion) the most disgusting word in the English language. Why does it exist? for people with little vocabulary to use it on a day to day basis to explain the most trivial of things?

It bothers me to no end that it is said daily, without care. Without reasons for saying it. Regardless of how you meant it, it should really be stopped.

I recently watched an E:60 on Inspirational people. They did a story on Heath Miller, he is a person who runs marathons. What makes him different? He runs marathons pushing his little girl in a stroller/cart in front of him. Running it together, for the world to see. It isn't about what place he finishes, it is to bring positive experiences and to make his daughter happy. His daughter was born with Down Syndrome. He raises money for this, he raises money for families who deal with having a child who requires needs beyond what other children needs.

He ran his last marathon with her somewhat recently, in his final interview he was asked what he wanted to know, what he worries about. He responded with (paraphrasing) I wish my daughter all the happiness in the world, she is a happy girl. She is important. She is intelligent. I am worried that one day someone is going to called her "retarded" and I'm going to have to sit her down and explain it. Going to have to explain why some people think it is okay to call people this. I hope that day never comes cause it will crush her spirit.

That's true, self-esteem is hard to come by. Hurling that word at anybody is enough to put a burden on them. They will carry it with them. It is a heavy word, it is a mean word. It is an ugly word.

Please stop saying retard or retarded)

Regards,

Devon

Essay on how my life has changed since starting my blog, enjoy.

            I have always had problems with mental health, whatever the age. It is something I have struggled with most of my life, being born with Bilateral Cleft Lip and Palate and looking ‘different’ from other children really kicked their spokes into gear. I was raised in a very nurturing household, I was given almost anything I asked for and was brought up to never judge anyone. I was never given the same respect. I missed my first year of high school for my seventeenth surgery and was put behind all of my friends. This is when I first experienced some form of serious anxiety. The sweaty palms, paranoia, uneasy feeling, and it got to the point where I developed a peptic ulcer. I bottled it for 3 years, until eventually it consumed me. February twelfth of last year marked the first time I wanted any sort of mental health, and for that matter had even opened up about it. On “Bell Let’s Talk day” I started my blog; I became human at that moment. Vulnerability is something I did not like, but the blog left me vulnerable. I wrote about anything, I wrote about the little nuances in life and how I can deal with them. I wrote about current events and tried to tie them into my own life. It was refreshing and made me feel alive. I felt like a contributing member of society. It does not seem like much, but I got out there. Not being hidden by the veil of internet anonymity made me feel that much more empowered.

            I chose to start my blog for the simple reason that I could not figure out a way to deal with the ebbs and flows of mental health. I never wanted to get professional health. I knew if I found a channel that I could get my information out, I would feel better. More importantly, I could help those around me suffering from bad mental health or loved ones with bad mental health. I was raised to help those around me. I wanted this, badly. Not to have it be told to me, just to know someone has read it and reflected it on their own life. Once mental health can be grasped at a minimal level, the rest of the dimensions can be put into realistic terms.

            The greatest difference I had noticed in my abilities since I started the blog is that other dimensions of health naturally fell into place. I began to rationalize every moment of my life, and learned from those moments. Even the darkest moments shed some sort of brightness in my everyday life. It directly affected my social health. I began to accept my life, and focus more on the relationship with my girlfriend. I no longer am misanthropic; I became a productive member of society and talked to everyone with the simple respect they deserved. Which is what I deviated from as I grew older, I enjoyed being able to relate again. It reinforced my values. I do not drink, do not smoke, and those remained high on my values. This changed how I felt emotionally, I was happy for the first time in years. I was happy with the person I had become. I was happy when I looked in the mirror. I gained self-respect and self-esteem from writing out my feelings. Something so small and innocent like a blog can completely change the mindset of a human being is completely mind-boggling. I learned to communicate clearly and concise with the people around me. My ‘never trust anyone’ ways had slowly gone the way of the Passenger Pigeon. There is a certain level of pessimism and cynicism that spawns from depression and anxiety. I am still working on these. Spiritual health may be the hardest one to change for a human being. My back against the wall for nineteen years of life greatly affected how my life was lived. I had thought the world was against me from day one. I had finally begun to make headway when I realized I cannot control some aspects of my life. Because of that, life is fragile and hard to understand. “This too shall pass” this is in my mind every day of my life now. Living with positivity is something that comes later, in most people it is not a switch you can flip.

            If I reflected on my decision today, it becomes priceless. You don’t really know how close you are to death until you reach that moment. You make a conscious choice to get help; one way or the other, sadly. I realize this wellness assignment was to do something in the month of January and write about that. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of getting help, of living a healthier lifestyle. I could not see a better way to celebrate that than with an academic paper. It is priceless because it taught me so much about my life. It has had a positive effect on school life, family life, and my social health.

            In conclusion, I made myself a better human being through writing out what I am thinking. I affected the rest of my life positively, including school. I am learning more than just the curriculum of a course in school now. I am learning from every individual experience I have with peers and professors. It is no longer just education to get a job. It is the understanding of intricacies at play when attending a post-secondary institution. It has taught me a lot of how my mind works. It has motivated me to exercise regularly and stop blaming my problems on other people. There is no challenge too small now. I have motivation to enter my faculty of choice instead of trying to find the easiest route. I am still affected by anxiety, but I no longer run from it. I am learning how to harness the benefits of some anxiety in life. It is almost surreal how much I have learned about myself.

            The activity I have chosen to do my wellness assignment on, is writing a blog. It has changed my life. It opened my eyes to a whole different world. It allowed me dig into my philanthropic side. The ability to help those without knowing is something I crave. If you choose to tell me that is great. Anyone can write a blog, anyone can put words into a screen. I have suggested numerous people start one. I read other blogs; I learn from others experiences as well. The internet has not always been the friendliest, but it is how any one person can get a point across. Have their opinion read, and is changing the face of psychosocial habits and behaviors.

I hope it will change how we think, and how we view society and technology as a whole. Thank you for reading this blog post.

References

Rikidus.blogspot.ca.  “Wacky Waving Anger Boner Posts”.   Retrieved January 27 2013

Bell Media. “Bell Let’s Talk” Bell.ca.  Retrieved January 27 2013

Tomorrow is Bell Let's talk day

Tomorrow is Bell Let's Talk, so lets talk. Shall we?

It is so much more than donating the 5 cents to mental health for every text. It is a message that should be carried year round. If someone is down, bring them back up with you. Don't let them sit in their funk. Eventually the anxiety and depression will consume them.

It is not worth the trouble to deal with anxiety alone. I don't know one person who has dealt with it completely isolated, without conversation. Without help.

I've been in the darkest days, I've been to the decision you have to make. I chose life. I chose to help myself last year. I will be posting a paper I wrote a couple weeks ago about my blog.

Those days suck, I needed someone to talk to. It didn't even have to be about my anxiety/depression. It didn't have to be about my poor mental health. It just needed to talk, sports, Tv, Media. Just to have someone listen is something you cannot put a price on it.

Life is fragile, the human brain is fickle. We are a social species. Don't ignore the people around you. No matter how awkward you are. Talk to me, talk to your parents, talk to your friends. Talk. You don't know how they are feeling from day to day. The power of a simple stop and chat is incredible. Talk about the weather. Sure I'm gonna mock you afterwards, but at least I had conversation and some connection.

So, Tomorrow is Bell Let's Talk.
So, Let's talk
Lets change lives, change the lives of the people around you. By using your mouth.
Contact me on twitter at @rikidus with the hashtag #bellletstalk or contact me via text. You can even point out every flaw I have and batter me with words. I don't care, conversate.

Best Regards,

Devon

Overtired mind racing extravagonzo

"The Ravens win the Super Bowl"

Hands clammy, brain frozen, sinking into place, my shell is open. My mind reaches for worst possible outcomes, what happens/where/when/why. I start sweating, I am having a panic attack on the inside

No, it isn't me wondering if Ray Lewis has killed somebody else. It is me, in my own brain. Playing my own damn tricks and making me lose my mind. I've desensitized the world around me. I don't know how to act for today

Big week with 2 exams, 1 assignment and an essay (I have no clue what the format or length is yet) and I am taking it all in stride... Kinda. My body is feeling the affects of the weather of my mind and the weather outside. Sunny outside today, cloudy with dense fog inside. I am rationalizing everything I do, almost done all my study materials and finished the assignment. I have not an ounce of a brain cell firing on the synapse. I am not tired. The cortisol pumping through my veins is putting me on a rush. I do not want this rush, I want to sleep. For once, a nice sleep. School is a very nice sleep deterrent. Doesn't matter how tired you are, if you are being eaten alive by something you aren't sleeping.

This is the face of adversity. I feel like I am down 28-6 with a mountain to climb. Coming off statistically my worst outing. 

This is an average day for a student in post-secondary, and in fact; some are very much so worse off than I am. This is draconian and ridiculous at this point. The anxiety young adults are subjected to is worse than imaginable.

There are those people out there with 8 am class like me. Hoping to get 2 hours of sleep

For those about to sleep, I sal....zzzzzzzzz
Regards,

Devon