30 (part 1: wedding)

 I turn 30 in less than a week. I have some time to reflect, and over the past month I have some thoughts to get out on paper. 

I may not remember much of my time on opiates. I know that listening to someone who does not have your back is a gigantic time waste and black hole of resources. I could be so much further along than where I am at the age of 30. I could be in my own place with my wife. I would not have wasted 15 thousand over 4 years in my early 20's for someone who did not deserve it. I would not have sacrificed so many relationships over those years either. I was raised by my uncle; unfortunately, I still have so many traits of my mother. I have slowly worked on working them out. Slowly worked on the "woe is me" attitude. Slowly worked on "the art of manipulation" attitude. I have really worked hard on the boundaries that people have. Early in life I watched a lot of prodding and intruding in people's lives and relationships. 

As I aged I had begun to do the same things. Friends, family, and coworkers were just part of the gambit of information and trolling. I did not understand the real world consequence of being a Nosey Norman for years. I destroyed my relationships with more people than I would even realize. From my best friend growing up, Jaden and his family. To my relationships with my in-laws. My relationships with bosses and colleagues. I never understood boundaries or where my feet are. Because I watched my mother growing up continuously absolutely slash and burn every major relationship. With the only flame left would be the hate and grudges held. Maybe that's not just emblematic of my mother, but maybe a lot of my family. 

I am slowly working on my life. I think I am making good adjustments, but self-doubt will creep in all the time. I am more quiet, I am more likely not to talk unless spoken to. 

Among the things of the last decade I might change is the guest list for the wedding. My own mother showed up late, held up the ceremony for a half hour. Because the world revolved around her time. (Maybe that's why I'm so paranoid about being late) My cousins of whom I asked if they would celebrate this day with me... Did not show up. I was not allowed to invite my Dad because it became a day of infighting with my mother if I did that. I didn't get to invite people like my Auntie Barbie, Patty or June because it was not worth fighting with my mother over. I invited people I thought were my brothers only to have them fight with me the night before. I would change a lot about our wedding day. except for the moment I got to look in my wife's eyes and she made me want to be a better person. 

There were a lot of incredible guests at my wedding as well

People like my late cousin Jeanine had all the reasons not to attend my wedding with the death of her best friend, and she showed up. She was ever present and was genuinely happy for me. Jeanine's mother, my Auntie Edie, of whom was an absolute rock star at our wedding. She was so busy I have barely any photos of her at the wedding except for her working in the background. 

My friend Matt who flew out from St Louis after knowing me for 4 months and got hammered on sangria. My uncle Lonnie who could not be happier to watch me have that moment (of whom I got to watch have his moment a few years later). He was the only uncle who showed up, not even my Godfather showed up. None of my aunts. It helped me learn the effect of the people I put my time in effort to and the effect they had on my personal relationships with my family. 

I know I have a lot of people in my corner. I know I have done a lot of damage to those I admire and hold close to my heart. Maybe it's the self doubt. But, I have earned forgiveness, and I have worked on who I want to be. That is just generally a good person who wants the best for those around me. I have a lot more love in my heart. It took 3 decades to learn that love is more useful than hate and that hate in your life will forever destroy your well-being.  

for a lasting thought, in regards to the self-doubt. I wish I felt the self-worth I should. If I could feel the way about myself that people who love me feel about me. 

Regards,

Devon

Night

 Maybe I should not be afraid of change. But, that is not me. Living paycheque to paycheque, asking for money, finding ways to get food. I would've thought watching those around me figure out how to navigate life with obstacles, children, and emotions mixed in would have helped me navigate change. It has not.

 I have become a creature of habit to deal with my depression. I would go to bed at the same time everyday, I would eat around the same time, I would allow myself to snack. I would smoke at the same times everyday. I learned that my brain does not do well when I am up past 10 pm. I trained my body (with the help of sleep aids) to go to bed so I would not have to feel the anxiety and depression that comes with being up at night. A lot of my feelings towards being up alone have been passed onto me by my familial upbringings. My mom did not like being up alone and for whatever reason I understand why. 

 With a change in work I have now found myself in the deepest of fears of my mind. Being up past 11. I get home at 12:20. In that 5 minutes after I get home I will find out what Devon will be battling it out. I feel a very heightened sense of depression being up alone. It is truly emblematic of what depression is. No one to talk with. Just me and my brain.

 I'll be fine... For however long this lasts. I will not be living a very happy life during this stretch that I am on evening shift. I'll be living a life of necessity to make it through the dark hours. Over the past 4 years I have sincerely worked on my mental health. I guess I will find out if I can put together some of those preparations to keep my severe depression from coming back. 

 In these 2 years since I have been gainfully employed I have not suffered from as severe of depression as it used to be. I haven't had a suicidal thought in about 20 months. It has been unlike any feeling I can have before. But, even as I type this, I can tell you that anxiety and depression do not move on a continuous timeline. They just mess up your day... whenever the want. I need to stay above myself. Nipping any possible negative thoughts from festering and manifesting. Maybe this is all in bad taste. Because all in all, I'm happily married, employed, have strong relationships and friends I KNOW care about me and my success. I have remained relatively healthy, saw beautiful things, have meaningful conversations. I have not had to live uncomfortably in 4 years, I have been fortunate to work on my marriage in a way I never thought possible and I have cut a lot of toxicity from my life. I do not have it as bad as most people.

 But for me, at 12:25am for the next month+ I only see the negative and dwell on my own insecurities and misunderstandings.

Regards,

Devon

Most Days

 I thought as I got older I would learn to appreciate the idea of the unknown. Whether at a conversational level or at an ethereal level. I've become infatuated with this notion that it gets easier to deal with the longer I fight through life. I am finding I am more apathetic to what the unknown is. But, never understanding why people enjoy the "unknown". Every moment of speech in my life is usually followed by 4 or 5 thought chains of what the consequence of that conversation might be. I am truly shackled to my brain and he can be an asshole. I am conscious of nothing in life can truly be planned for you. Everyday is a sequence of events, where you are, who you are with and what you are doing. 

I can appreciate a sunset

I can appreciate a heartfelt conversation

I can appreciate my own reflection

I can appreciate an awkward silence

... most days. 

I am frustrated that the questions I have posed to the older people who have lived life with anxiety and depression never yields the answer I want. It kinda seems like you life with your anxiety and depression but it never goes away. You just fill life with vices, conversation, laughter so you don't have to deal with your own crippling depression. I understand there will never be a cure all, and now that science is catching up with mental health; I hope that gets better.

On the other side of the coin, unknown is what leads to the most important things in your life. People you meet, people you laugh with, people who care. It can lead to those moments where you stop in your tracks and think, "maybe everything does happen for a reason". Though, in your head you know that that's really a placebic reaction that makes the bad consequences easier to deal with. It beats thinking that some deity just really has it in for you

If not for the people close to me I'm not sure I could fight through everyday. Getting scared of how each interaction is becoming a little commonplace. Which, is fine as an introvert. But... There is a fine line. I'm getting better at recognizing when I am slipping. I think that is what the people who have talked to me about anxiety and depression is easier to deal with; is that the notion that you get better at recognizing when the fear of the unknown puts you into a hole with your demons. It's better to not jump in the hole than to jump in to give your demons the satisfaction.

Adulthood with depression is so much harder than I thought it would be. As a kid, depression is really just an overwhelming sadness when you do not know why you are sad. Depression in adulthood is replaying those sad memories and try to find some attachment and rationalize them, for better or worse. Every memory of yelling, and pain, and frustration, and tears have a place. It is to make you appreciate the feeling of a positive memory. For me, positive memories are behind a wall of bad memories. Aging is just chipping away at the wall so you can see the light of the good memories.

I can appreciate my depression

I can appreciate why not everyday is going to be great

I can appreciate my own insecurities

I can appreciate why death exists

... Most Days.

Regards,

Devon

Adulthood

 The past 5 years have been a rather interesting journey. 

Through the first 15 years of my life I would say I grew up faster than anyone else my age. I noticed things, I had to grow up quickly because of the constant medical procedures and appointments. From 15-23 I would say there was very little growth as a human being. I never made a complete realization of what transitioning into adulthood looked like. Constantly shielded by my mother to how an adult should act and behave. It created a toxic feeling of needing my mother instead of allowing me to grow. 

over the past 5 years I would say I have learned a lot and tried to grow into the man that is honest, hardworking, selfless and empathetic. I have learned what makes my depression does to me. I have learned that I am not defined by my anxiety and depression and it is okay to tell people that I ain't feeling it sometimes. I have learned to process my emotions and thoughts on a deeper scale. Learned what makes my psychology kick. I fell in love with myself, for the first time in my life. I learned to love the body I am. Learned that maybe I didn't need as many surgeries as I had after the age of 15. I learned to take care of myself because the constant apathetic attitude of "oh well, I will die eventually" isn't the way to live life. I learned the dichotomy of good vs evil in the world is truly beautiful. I have learned to not ingest every little bit of news as it is not healthy for me. 

I have discovered that my wife is truly my rock. She shows me the world. She drags me out to see the world because there is beauty in every corner. 

Heading into 29 next week is kind of terrifying and sobering. I am on the cusp of 30 and what I would consider the next part of life. I'm not sure what my health looks like over the next decade. 

I hope I continue to grow to love myself. I hope I can tell me wife everyday that I love her. I hope that my friends realize that I am not a dick for not texting to check up. I am constantly working on me, constantly working on my introversion and constantly working to be empathetic and selfless. I am not good at small talk, I'm not good at carrying a conversation. I am not perfect, but I am working towards what I think is perfect for me. I do not want to lose friends. I do not want to lose the people who help shape my identity everyday. I am sorry I am not a great friend in the times of a pandemic, I do not know how to navigate my anxiety when it comes to these. Growing up a person who had my anxiety played with to be afraid of somethings makes me a little paranoid of things. Of saying the wrong things, of upsetting people with trivial things. I may not have the life experience of most people my age but I am humble. Know that I over-analyze every interaction I have. I over-analyze what my hands are. I still think of the shitty things I said to my family, my friends, and most heartbreaking; I remember all the shit I put my wife through. Being an angry, suicidal, opiate addicted young adult ruined some relationships I would've rather kept. Being constantly told I don't need anyone but my mother put me in a arrogant, self-serving mindset. I remember every thing I broke, everything I said. I remember every spiteful action I made just to get a piece of someone weighs on me. I taunt myself with these thoughts.

I wish I knew now what those actions were going to do. That at the age of 28 and 356 days (or however it works out). I would be terrified of asking a question because I am haunted by past memories of my asshole self. That it would cause me to be introspective to the point that I am scared to be confident. 

I am growing everyday. I am truly devastated by myself. I am hoping I keep true to myself and not just use this post as a way to clear my guilty conscience. I want to be a guide, a leader and most importantly, a friend.

I love y'all

Regards,

Devon Hunt

Figuring it out / Mom

Maybe trying to figure out life should take a whole lifetime. There are little things I worry about as I get older. My life with cleft lip and palate is an ongoing battle I worry will turn as I get older. With a hole in the roof of my mouth I run risk of infection, collapse and other little things. Not imminently, but the threat of it causes anxiety. As I have worked on myself in the last year I have learned a lot about what causes my anxiety, it’s usually triggered by a half thought out of nowhere and my brain picks it up and runs with it. Social media, specifically seeing people happy causes me a lot of depression. I was always taught that people have it worse off than me. But, at the same time I would like think that more people are happier than I could be. Things like holidays trigger my anxiety and depression. Growing up Christmas was always the home run. My mom went all out at Christmas. Still yelled and got temperamental. But there is few Christmas’ in my life I don’t cherish every memory of.

Which leads me to this. I love my family, I love my mother. I forgive a lot, I have forgotten a lot. I am truly not ready to talk to my mother. There is years of stress, depression and memories I have to try to work through. You only get one mother. My mother was a champion for sticking up for me, for looking after my health, for being what I needed as I got older. Along with that is the fights, the arguments, the swearing, and ultimately the depression I would learn that I have. I encountered depression for the first time at 6. As a kid, it was called being sad. But, I remember the feeling and it is similar to my everyday life now. As I got older I wished my mom told me what depression is, but when it is undiagnosed through most of my family, and not dealt with. It manifests, you become numb to what depression does to your everyday actions. There was a lot of love. There was arguably more vitriol and anger that filled the house. Up until the way the relationship with my mother that was put on hold. Which all of what was said to me has been forgiven and forgotten. Attacking my uncle who raised, cooked and cleaned for us is something I have a hard time getting over. The ugly, sad, and hateful language that you would lobby at your brother and his wife is what crushes me when I think about calling my mom again.

I think when I get older, maybe the anxieties and neuroses I have about talking to my mother again will ease. Christmas time  is usually my time for reflection. It was always when I was happiest and when I felt like our house of yelling and name calling was happy.

This is a blogpost I have had written for 3 years. Maybe it is my fear of disappointing my mother one last time. As I have nearly disappointed my family/mother  at every turn in my life. I am ultimately my mother’s child, with the same mental health problems, the same grudge-holding ability and the same regret when I get mad.

Love you, mom. I will be ready to talk, someday.

Much love,
Regards

Devon

Disappointment

It's getting a little tough right now. There are always brighter days, but the darker days are here. When I suffered my first bout of depression at the age of 10, I thought that hopefully this does not last throughout my life. 17 years of cyclical depression is frustrating, upsetting and... well depressing. I always have hope that eventually I will reach an age where my depression is like, "Nah, I'm done". Whenever that happens I will have finally reached my own heaven.

I am becoming increasingly more aware how depression systematically fucks with your career, school and relationships. One thing that always is a depression trigger for me is disappointing people. I am a people pleaser (still an asshole some days). However, no amount of kudos or general gratitude outweighs one instance of disappointing someone. It's never myself, either. I've been disappointing myself since I was 7. From the first time I forgot how to spell "who" in 3rd grade. I guess when being introspective, I was able to rationalize most of my own disappointments, compartmentalize and repress and move on. I guess that's not healthy, but I don't know what healthy is.

I'm worried I am disappointing everyone. I feel I am disappointing my wife. I fear I am disappointing my Mother in law. I'm worried I am disappointing my uncle and my aunt. I'm worried I am disappointing my friends, by not visiting. I'm worried I am disappointing my best friends. I'm worried that I will disappoint people enough that I am alone. This is not a cry for people to say you do not disappoint me. I know I do not, but demons are stronger than my rational mind most days.

I am afraid to make jokes, some days. I am afraid to talk. I am afraid to move some days.

My biggest disappointment in life is how my demons have controlled a lot of my future, without me realizing it in the past. I have little self-respect. It wears and grinds at your aspirations. I did not try in a lot of ways. Most days my depression would dictate something like "You are probably going to fail. You are going to get fired. You are not doing enough. You are doing too much. You do not need to do that". As long as I did the bare minimum, I would have enough mental sustain to make it through another week. I did not enjoy school, for the reason that depression crushes you when you take exams. I failed relationships because the thought of "If someone else is depressed, you'll feel better." It is a dangerous way to live life with always wondering when someone will tune you up. You isolate, you forget. You forgive but the other person does not. That is when depression has won.

I am worried that no one wants to read the depressed thoughts of a 27 year old man.

I am worried I am disappointing everyone.

Regards,

Devon.

10 years

I don't have a picture of myself at age 17. That's probably a lie, but like fuck I'm going to try to unearth it.

If you had told me when I was 17 that I would still be here. I would call you a liar. The thoughts I had at 17 were depressing and self-deprecating. Unfortunately, that has not changed in 10 years.

If you had told me I would meet the love of my life, marry her and tell me that she would still put up with me after 9 years.

If you would have told me my thoughts on climate change would skew so far into the other direction... Well I would fucking hope so with the amount of information out there.

If you had told me that I would plan my life being over at 22, and live to 27 I would honestly have been a little disappointed.

If you would have told me that I would hold a job for graduate high school, go to university and hold a steady job for 6 years I would have been ecstatic.

If you would have told me I have made some of the raddest friends who live everywhere around the world that would have surprised me.

If you would have told me that 10 years on I would become on of the most selfless persons I know. I would be shocked.

If you told me I would stop trying to ruin people's day with trolling and vicious verbal attacks I would have probably lashed out at you.

If you would have told me that my depression is dealt with for the most part, it is still crippling and makes me afraid of the world I would have probably died when I had planned too.

If you would have told me that nearly my entire family including my brothers, mother and grandmother could give two shits about what happens to me, I would be heartbroken. That my family has outcasted and shunned me, I would have probably have wept. However, that is the harsh reality of growing up angry, bitter and depressed.

If you would have told me that I would be searching for a job for 4 months without a call back at the age of 27, I'd be a little disappointed in myself.

Trying to rebuild a person who was broken, angry and afraid over 10 years has been a frustrating endeavor. I always wonder if I have changed for the better.
Wonder if I made the right choice by living.
If life will be different in another 10 years. If I will still be pain, mentally and physically.
If I will still be outcast from my family.
If I am a better person. If I have a job I'm comfortable in.
If I am still married to the love of my life, or will she grow tired of me. Because, I've grown tired of myself.
If I will stop being as grating and aggressive.
If I would become the person I thought I could be when I was 7. If I could've changed the situation for the people who have passed. That I would hope I still stick up for the little guys. If the world would seem a little more stable and cohesive. If I would finally be happy in life.
In 10 years I hope I am still here, for better or worse.